I Am Such a Cliché

There comes a time when we realize we are not unique - that we are actually quite typical.

Through talking to my young single adult peers and contemplating various blogs, articles, books, songs, movies, and TV shows, I have come to the realization that I am SUCH a product of my generation. There are many names – Generation Me, Generation Y, Millennials, etc. – for the group of us born in the 1980s. I am in my mid-20s. I am having a lot of fun and learning a lot. I also feel insecure and vulnerable at times. I realize that almost all my peers are going through the same reality whiplashes of this “defining decade”, our 20s. Allow me to use myself as a case study of The Quarter Life Crisis:

1) Drawn out college years – I stayed in my undergraduate degree for as long as I could (5.5 years) and picked up a minor along the way (though I have enough credits for 3 minors) because I loved the in-between growing stage between high school and adulthood. College is a unique cocoon-like time when we’re allowed to take risks, try new things, make mistakes, and actively find and create ourselves. We have relative independence and not as many responsibilities yet. We could still explore and not be expected to live up to “what we want to be when we grow up”, which can cause great pride or anxiety when posed as a question.

2) Moved across the country – 7 months after graduation, I tried but couldn’t achieve my career goals in my college town, so I moved from the West to a big East Coast city to “chase my dreams” (I had/have many). It has been a big adventure. Sometimes I still stop and think incredulously, “I work and study in the nation’s capital. How did this happen!?” The emotional and social transitions are taking a much longer time to play out than the physical transition.

3) Career crisis – I’ve tried a few options since college graduation and I thought I finally figured out a career path I could be passionate about. It took hard work, trials of faith and tenacity, and a few detours. But now that I’m on this path and confronted with the bleak reality of the job market [in academia], I am trying to figure out how to go back to a former option. Ironically, I want to go into career counseling, to help other people avoid the drawn out, roundabout path I’m currently taking! Though it might seem quaint, I admire those people who have known exactly what they wanted to be from a young age and followed the smooth and straight path to achieve it.

4) Blog(s) – I have 3 (see right sidebar) that serve different themes. We are the first generation to have almost entirely grown up with the internet, which offers an unprecedented forum for sharing our personal thoughts, feelings, travels, pictures, crafts, videos, music, art, etc. Private journals and physical photo albums have given way to shameless public declarations of the minute and monumental moments of our lives through tweets, Facebook statuses, instagram pictures, and blog posts like this one (guilty). We want to be known, we want to be heard, we want to be validated.

5) Compulsive multi-tasker – We feel like we all have ADD because we feel compelled to constantly check our devices and social media (email, texts, Facebook, Twitter, voicemail, etc.). Whether it’s because we’re bored or lonely, our need to always be “in touch” is feeding our FOMO (Fear of Missing Out), the ubiquitous plague of our generation. Because we are more accessible, others expect more of us. There is a vicious cycle in media: messages shortened to fit our diminishing attention spans, which then decreases our opportunities to practice reading longer (more detailed and developed) material. We have a hard time concentrating on one task for very long when it is required. How many distractions did I have had while writing this post?

6) Relationships...yea – Around our mid-20s, our friends and family start to [un]tactfully ask us when we'll get married and have children. The pressure mounts, magnified by social media, with more of our friends getting married. Almost every Mormon young single adult I’ve talked to has said in a tone denoting their simultaneous disbelief and disappointment, “I didn’t expect to still be single at this age”. As a whole, our generation is getting married later in life than any previous generation due to various economic, political, and cultural reasons. Whether that is a deliberate decision or not; we still all yearn for meaningful fulfilling relationships, but either we haven't found the right person yet or we're not ready to commit/settle down. Since the success of romantic relationships is out of our control, we try to focus on ways we can continue to progress and improve ourselves in order to prepare ourselves (not that progress and improvement stop at marriage; quite the opposite really) to attract a suitable [eternal] companion.

Yes, I am a product of my times, but not a victim to it. The cliches of our generation can be used to our advantage or disadvantage. Every generation has its unique challenges and opportunities. I am a dogged optimist so I am determined to thrive, not just survive my 20s. This, too, shall pass. I don’t want to just say I lived through it, I want to be able to say I lived fully IN it.

If I Were a Purse...

Ever since junior high, I've been engaged in learning about myself so I can have a better reference point from which to understand and interact with the world. I've taken countless personality tests, polled my friends, read numerous books & articles, and blogged & journaled as ways of self exploration and expression...but given that I'm only in my mid-20s and constantly changing/growing, I still have a lot to learn!

Recently, I discovered a new way of learning about myself - by the things I buy/own. I try to avoid materialism (Colossians 3:2, Alma 39:14, D&C 6:7) so I don't mean "I am what I buy". I like aesthetically pleasing and good quality things like most people, but I try to use, enjoy, and take care of them without becoming attached to them. What I discovered is: My possessions don't define me, but sometimes they describe me.

Case in point: this purse

I bought it at a Labor Day sale with my $75 Macy's gift card from my boss last Christmas (took 9 months to decide how to spend it wisely). I hate purse shopping because I refuse to spend above $40 and it's hard to find a good quality purse I like with that price limit. So I put it off for as long as I can until my current one wears out, which usually takes 1-2 years, then I buy a new one and toss the old.

I spent about an hour in Macy's trying on dozens of purses, comparing color, price, size, material, etc. I walked out with the most expensive purse I've ever owned (with $1.84 left on my gift card!) and was really unsure whether I would keep it because it is SO different from all my previous purses. Over the next 10 days, it really grew on me! I realized this purse is basically me in accessory form. It describes me perfectly, or at least what I'm striving to be.

Here are the 10 ways:

1) Colorful: I love bright rich (vs. neon or pastel) colors. I feel like my life has exploded in color since I moved to DC (see my DC to the Fullest blog). Life is more vibrant and colorful here than I've experienced in China, Guam, Seattle, or Utah. My closet and bedroom reflect this - bright blocks of color against stabilizing neutrals. I'm very multicultural so 3 colors represent me better than 1.

Also, the inside lining is awesome because it represents the many cultures I am influenced by and want to explore; I feel like I carry them inside me.

2) Nice Lines: Not to say I have nice lines haha, but I always try to create nice lines when I dance and pose for pics. I think my dancer's aesthetic causes me to be drawn to simple graceful lines, angles, and arches. My last purse was more of a blob and the one before that had too many lines; this one has a good balance of clean straight and curved lines.

3) Minimal: I don't like fluff or excessive adornment. I hate clutter. This purse doesn't have anything I don't need. I love glamour and accessories but I only wear 1 or 2 at a time so they stand out and complement instead of distract or overwhelm. I like the idea of being "neat and comely" (Alma 1:27).

4) Genuine: Don't know if you can tell from the pictures but the purse is genuine leather. I didn't know until I checked the tag yesterday so I was pleasantly surprised :) I think this represents me well because I am super straightforward and honest (sometimes to a fault). What you see is what you get. I try to be my real self to everyone because it's exhausting trying to keep up a false image, and people can always tell if you're faking it anyway (like faux leather).

5) On-the-Go: I'm active and I value functionality. I got tired of holding my purse (clutch purses are the worse) and always having to pull up the straps, especially when I'm carrying groceries or taking pictures. With this purse, I can say "Look, Ma! No hands!" Loving it :)

6) Compact: Prioritization is a big theme in my life right now. There are so many things I want to do but time and money seem so scarce. Once again, I'm trying to streamline my life, invest in what really matters (see "Prioritizing 'Things That Matter Most'" post) and fulfills me (2 Nephi 9:51), and cut out the excess (see "The Big Rocks of Life" by Stephen Covey). This is easier said than done but getting a smaller purse lightens the burden on my back, literally ;)

7) Unique: I've seen alot of purses and I've never seen one quite like this one. I've also never met another Linda who is Mormon and biologically Chinese but Latin dances and loves African American culture, among other things. I used to resent being unique, but now I embrace it.

8) Adaptable with Preferences: There are 3 rings on the purse and the strap can hook on 4 different ways, with varying lengths and levels of comfort. I mostly keep the strap at the longest length so I can wear it across my body. This is like me socially. I can adapt to various group sizes and situations for varying lengths of time and levels of comfort, but I mostly prefer meaningful 1-on-1 conversations.

9) Efficient/Creative: See the outside zipped pocket? That's a wallet! How brilliant is that?! So convenient in so many ways. I like to shorten and simplify processes to find the fastest and most effective way to do things. Efficiency often requires creativity and I enjoy those opportunities to be creative. I think this attached wallet is very creative.

10) Structured but Flexible: It's not a loose drawstring bag or a stiff briefcase. I like that this purse looks structured but can be stretched a bit to hold different shapes if needed. I need structure and some routine to my life to be productive but I also try to leave room for a little spontaneity or when something important comes up.

Well that was fun! Looking forward to keep learning about myself, others, and the world around me :)
***
Update: November 27, 2013

Alas, I had to get a new purse because this one was just too small for me. On occasions that I needed my camera, glasses case, or a book to read on the metro, I couldn't fit them in without my purse bulging out or my contents almost falling out. Not safe. So I upgraded to this lovely piece -

Almost the same except
- It has more room
- It's one color (easier to match), which I LOVE
- It doesn't have a built-in wallet so I had to dig my old one out
- It has tiny bit of bling, classy not trashy :)

The Art of Friendship

I’ve learned a lot about God and Jesus Christ’s characters lately. As I have been trying to emulate the Savior like we are commanded to do (Matthew 5:48), I realized that many of His characteristics are the traits of a great friend. I feel my capacity to be a good friend increasing as I strive to become more like Him:

1) He pays attention to each ONE. He blessed the little children one by one (3 Nephi 17:21). He always addresses people individually by their first name (i.e. Exodus 31:2). He makes each person He talks to feel known, valued, and special.

2) He is never in a rush (3 Nephi 17:5). He never makes you feel like you’re taking up too much of His time and He would rather be doing something else.

3) He is a good listener. He empathizes and sympathizes with others. He weeps for those he loves (John 11:35) and compliments or praises them openly when He is proud of them.

4) He serves others. He observes their needs and fulfills them. (i.e. Luke 9:11-17 and John 13:14-16)

5) He believes in each person’s potential and encourages us to reach it (Ether 12:27). He accepts people for their flaws and weaknesses but always tries to help us become better. (John 8:2-11)

6) He forgives (i.e. Luke 7:47).

7) He is no respecter of persons (D&C 38:16). He treats everyone with respect (i.e. Exodus 33:11).

Whenever anyone displays these characteristics towards me, it feels amazing. Whenever I practice these characteristics toward others, I feel God's love for them flow through me more abundantly (1 John 4:7). I've also learned other things about being a good friend by noticing how I would want to be treated by my friends:

8) Keep up with people’s lives and send thoughtful notes of encouragement/comfort when needed. Share my own experiences that relate to theirs. Share good advice I’ve learned.

9) Make an effort to be at their special events and send sincere well wishes if I can’t be there.

10) Introduce them to my other friends I think they would enjoy.

11) Celebrate their accomplishments enthusiastically with them (vs. be jealous or resentful).

12) Always respond to invitations/questions clearly, sincerely, and in a timely manner.

13) Avoid distractions and using electronic gadgets when I’m talking to someone.

14) Never underestimating the power of praying for someone else, and knowing someone else is praying for you (D&C 25:12)

DISCLAIMER: I am far from mastering all these traits of a great friend, but I'm trying, and won't be perfect at it until after this life. In the meantime, here are a couple of dilemmas I’m realizing about friendship:

A. I’m an extremely loyal person and I used to think that if I make a friend, I have a friend for life. But I’ve learned the hard way that most people aren’t like that. There are all levels of friendship and they can all be enjoyed if we appreciate them for what they are. For example: friendly hallway acquaintances; situational friends; instant-click friends; admirable but incompatible friends; longtime casual friends; attractive friends you’ll date; and friends you’ll stay close with no matter how far apart or how long it’s been since you’ve seen each other. And then, of course, there is one eternal friend you will fall in love with and marry and raise a family with and hold closer to your heart than any other friend. The trick is figuring out what kind of friend each person I meet will become.

B. The better of a friend I am and the older I get, the more friends I'll make and keep, and the less time I will have to be the kind of friend I want to be to each friend. Since graduating from college, it has been sad for me to see my friends be more scattered across the country. I'm so thankful for technology that makes it easier to keep in touch with some of them but distance and diverging lives become huge barriers. Basically, it's the same problem we have in every other area of life - finite time and abilities.

Bottom line: I have been more grateful than ever for my friends this year. They are the angels God sends to answer almost every prayer. They nurse me through my heartaches, laugh at my corny jokes, give me good advice, let me vent, bring smiles, create laughter, cheer me on, give me hugs, and warm my heart. Friends, I love you and hope to always be worthy of your friendship as I strive to become more like Jesus Christ, our best and perfect friend.

A Dancer's Dilemma

***I realize the tone/style of this post can seem over-dramatic at times, but that is not my intent. This was a powerful and humbling spiritual experience and I am trying to express it in the most honest way possible :) ***

Tuesday
If I had a holiday, it would be National Dance Day (NDD). I'd been looking forward to it since last year and was eager to learn the hip hop routine (each year, the founders put out 2 dance routines for people all over the country to learn) and dance it at the Kennedy Center festivities on Saturday. I invited some friends to learn it with me at the Church before Institute. When we got there, the sister missionaries were meeting with Lisa (a Chinese grad student at George Washington University who came to our Church on her own a few months ago) to prepare her for her baptism on the upcoming Saturday. One Sister asked me excitedly if I would like to come, to which I made a very uncomfortable hesistant face because it would conflict with the 1-10pm festivities of NDD! Upon seeing my face, she sweetly said "Nevermind, it's ok if you can't". Guilt. Then my friend Ben said I should go talk to Lisa because I speak Chinese. I said I don't know that many gospel terms and he said I knew more than the sister missionaries. More guilt. I said I still feel uncomfortable talking to Chinese investigators because it's awkward for me, and I was also in a rush to get my friends upstairs to learn the routine. So we went upstairs, had a lot of fun learning the routine, and then went to various classes for Institute.

In my class, we discussed Elder Quentin L. Cook's talk "Can You Feel So Now" in which one phrase stuck out to me. It dissuaded giving "first-class devotion to lesser causes". I've been overbooking myself lately and have been trying to figure out how to prioritize activities better. As a class, we identified first class priorities as eternal things, and lesser things as that which have no significance beyond this life. I couldn't stop thinking about the baptism and trying to rationalize my way out of attending it. I certainly wasn't obliged to and I had already made plans! Plus I'd be all the way in DC and didn't have a ride! And I knew the baptism would probably be ill-attended because it was during a Saturday night and at the stake center (somewhat far away).

Yet I knew that this was a test of faith, obedience, and submitting my will to God. I am the only Chinese member in the ward, also a convert, and also attend George Washington University. Out of everyone in the ward, I probably had the most in common with Lisa and she could probably use the support. Dance is a good thing, but was I putting it above spiritual things? I knew as soon as I did that, I would lose a multitude of blessings - ones I enjoy now and other ones the Lord has yet to give me. And I certainly did not want to be in that position, knowing that this was one step away from Christ and one step toward the world. Satan is sneaky and can tempt us away in small degrees (1 Peter 5:8), just as Lehonti was subtly lured off the mountain and killed by degrees of poison (Alma 47:8-19).

So I prayed that night, asking for faith and humility to accept the Lord's will as I asked Him whether He wanted me to go to the baptism. I got a "yes", and that He would also provide a way for me to get there. Besides, I could still catch the last 3 hours of NDD after the baptism. I'm not proud to say that after this prayer, I was still not absolutely sure I would go.

Wednesday
I got a mass email from Rachel (music co-chair) asking for a volunteer to play a musical number at the baptism. Guilt AGAIN. I had resolved several years ago that if there was ever a musical need (specifically piano playing) in the church, I would volunteer my talents because I know they are a gift from God to serve and uplift His children (D&C 82:18) and if I hide my light under a bushel, I would surely lose it (Matthew 25:14-30). Still, I tried to push her email out of my mind, hoping someone else would volunteer. But by the next day and after thinking about it more, I realized it would be outright rebellion to ignore a clear answer I got to my prayer. I've done that before and it was a miserable wrenching repentance process; I would be a fool to put myself through that again, not to mention disappoint the Lord and dampen my capacity to receive future revelation.

Thursday
I responded to Rachel's email asking if she had found somebody. She responded "maybe" and asked if I could play something. I offered to play "Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring", a piece I had played years ago. It was simple and beautiful, and wouldn't need a lot of re-polishing. Rachel responded that it would be fine and told the two other people who had offered that they were off the hook. Well, that was that. I'd cemented my attendance at the baptism and I can't back out now! That night, I posted a request for a ride on the ward listserv.

Friday
No one replied by the afternoon, I thought maybe I was off the hook too! Maybe someone else would jump in with an even better musical number? Maybe the Lord was testing my willingness to serve and sacrifice, and let me loose the last minute like He did with Abraham when he was about to kill his son Isaac for a sacrifice (Genesis 22:1-18)? But it was not to be, because my friend Britt's beach plans fell through and she offered to go to the baptism with me (she has a car). At least now I have a good friend to go with. I stayed on campus an hour after work on Friday to practice in one of the piano rooms. The muscle memory kicked in and I got the piece to performance level after a few play-throughs.

Saturday
I excitedly got ready to go to the Kennedy Center for NDD. I re-read the schedule carefully when I got there and literally mourned that I would have to leave just as the hip hop routine would start in order to catch the metro home and walk to Britt's house to get to the baptism early (in case the musical number was scheduled at the beginning). I'd watched and practiced the hip hop routine dozens of times in preparation for this day. I felt like I wanted to cry, knowing that I'd have to wait a whole year for this holiday to come again. I wondered if there was any way I could leave just 30 minutes later, but I imagined the panic at the baptism when I wouldn't arrive in time to play. I love this Church and this gospel and I remember my baptism day 7 years ago very vividly; there was no way I was going to ruin Lisa's special day. But I felt like the Lord was hitting me where it hurt, so to speak. Then I thought of the early pioneers (it was Pioneer Day 3 days prior) and the much greater sacrifices they were asked to make, and I felt selfish and prideful. Drama Queen moment over. I silently prayed for a miracle to allow me to be able to somehow still see/participate in the hip hop routine. Either way, I was determined to enjoy the time I did have at the Kennedy Center.

Various groups performed and taught mini classes on the outdoor stage, then it was my turn to join Doug and his other students onstage to teach the Broadway Jazz class. (see my Dancing Through DC blog for more pics/details)

It was an amazing experience to be dancing on a stage at my favorite monument in DC, where I'd seen so many other dance/music/theater performances, in front of hundreds of dance lovers. I felt humbled and extremely grateful for the privilege and honor to do so. After we got off stage, I heard that we were ahead of schedule! By about 20 minutes! Maybe there's a chance, I thought...

Then I met up with my friends and we enjoyed a few more dance performances.

I mentioned my disappointment about missing the hip hop routine and one of them offered to give me a ride in his car so I could stay longer - about 25 minutes longer! I got really excited, but also didn't want to get my hopes up. But the time came for the hip hop routine and we got to stay for the whole thing!!! I was in utter disbelief. This was the miracle I had prayed for! We danced along to the routine and it was a ton of fun to see others who had practiced the routine at home also. As soon as it ended, we hurried to the car...just as the clouds dumped a ton of rain on the whole place. As we drove back in the downpour, I was almost speechless with gratitude that the Lord had given me that tender mercy. It might seem small and petty to anyone else. But to me - His dance-loving and sometimes selfish daughter - He knew it was a BFD (big freakin' deal).

My friends Jesse and Jeremy dropped me off at Britt's house and I immediately gushed to her about my little miracle. We got to the baptism early but there were already too many people around to practice my musical number. Yet I felt a sweet peace knowing that despite all my resistance, I was where I should be at that time. I prayed that I would be able to play smoothly with no major mistakes, that the music would be uplifting and help everyone there feel the Spirit even stronger. The time came to play my piece and I made 3 mistakes, but Britt said she didn't hear it so hopefully others didn't either. I felt honored to be a part of Lisa's special day and celebrate the beginning of her beautiful new life in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. The event was very well-attended - she was surrounded by loving friends, missionaries, and church leaders.

I mentally relived my baptism, during which everything was so lovingly prepared and I felt the welcoming embrace of so many I knew and didn't know who came to celebrate my special day. I had to wait 14 months to get baptized from the time I first discovered the Church. I remembered the thing I looked forward to the most was receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost because everybody talked about the sweet peace and comfort of always having the Spirit to be with you. I already had those good feelings through the power of the Holy Ghost after I found the Church and could not imagine an even greater increase of them after receiving the permanent gift of the Holy Ghost, as long as I remained worthy to have it.

I'll end this post with a series of gratitudes:

- I'm grateful for my talents of dance and piano, and all the opportunities I've had to improve upon them and use them to serve/uplift others.

- I'm grateful for the Lord's infinite patience with me, and the Spirit's constant reminder of what my top priorities should be.

- I'm grateful for Jesse and Jeremy who decided last minute to drive even though it was more expensive and burdensome to them.

- I'm grateful Britt decided to come to the baptism with me even though she could have been doing any number of fun things.

- I'm grateful for the Lord's desire and ability to bless me in so many different ways even though my heart was hard and I did not want to serve. (1 Corinthians 2:9)

- I'm grateful for every person who knowingly and unknowingly influenced me to make the right decision.

- I'm grateful for everyone who made Lisa's special day possible and for all the non-members who came to witness such a sacred event.

- I'm grateful Lisa took the initiative to investigate the Church and the faith she exercised to join it. Only God knows how many lives Lisa's testimony will touch.

- I'm grateful that through many tender mercies, I was able to find and join this Church, through which literally every blessing of my life flows.

How Are We Even Friends?!

***This post is dedicated to all my friends who seemingly have nothing in common with me but love me anyway.***

Sometimes I'm slow in realizing things everybody else figured out years ago, but the realization ends up changing my life so I feel pretty smart anyway.

Last week, I made the incredible discovery that most of my closest friends have [almost] no common interests with me. Most of them cannot be described as a passionate "dancer, pianist, foodie, singer, American history nerd, old movie buff, and jazz lover" (see sidebar). And I am really bad at, terrified of, or not interested in kayaking, Shakespeare, wakeboarding, canyoneering, skiing, etc. We have different groups of friends. Some of them live far away and I haven't seen them in years! Sometimes we don't talk for months but when I need someone to talk to, they're right there. So what keeps us together??? I've boiled it down to these 2 things:

1) Our love of the Gospel - We view life and the world through Gospel lenses. We turn to the Gospel to solve problems. We share our insights and hard-earned lessons. We share useful scriptures/talks/quotes with each other. We pray for each other. We love the Lord and our Savior and remind each other that They love us too. We are determined to be faithful til the end and help each other to do so. I'm so grateful for friends who are spiritually as well as emotionally and socially strengthening.

2) They care - It really comes down to this. I've met so many people that I think I would get along well with due to common interests, but it feels strained or awkward because they don't really care to get to know me. The ones who become close friends simply CARE about how I'm doing and love me for who I am. They ask how I'm doing and listen intently. Even if they don't understand what I'm going through, they try and they empathize. The give me tough love and throw my own advice back in my face when I need it. They are patient with my weaknesses and insecurities. They believe in me and value our friendship.

Compatible senses of humor help too. I can't completely relax around someone unless we've shared some laughs together.

Case in point, Britt and I met just over a year ago and hit it off. She became my first real friend in DC. We bonded over being "3rd culture kids", our "permanent tourist" zest for life, and our tendency to photographically document everything we do. We were excited to have found someone to go exploring with but quickly started realizing how dramatically different we are with our tastes in music, TV shows, movies, clothes, books, politics, and more. But we got over our little crises and kept hanging out. We learned which topics to avoid haha (i.e. we didn't vote for the same person in the last presidential election). The miracle is...our friendship keeps growing! We had so much fun riding bikes on the Mount Vernon Trail and eating Thai food when we first hit it off that we did the exact same thing to commemorate our "1 Year Friend Anniversary"!

Sometimes I wonder how the heck we're even friends...and then I become flooded with gratitude that we are.

Vulnerability and Defiance

This has been a hard week. I am socially burned out. For months, I've been trying to organize social outings and inviting as many people as I can because I want to be inclusive. Most of the outings have been successful. But I'm exhausted; I need a break. As grateful as I am for the plethora of social opportunities around me, I am also overwhelmed by all the social options, pressures, and demands - and the accompanying frustrations and disappointments.

My heart is weary from guys who break girls' hearts (mine and my friends').

I just want to shut down and retreat to my room and focus on my studies, exercise, books, music and movies. I want to delete my Facebook account so my heart can stop aching from seeing all my friends get engaged/married, have babies, get their dream job, travel the world, compete in and win ballroom competitions, go to awesome concerts, etc. - things I currently cannot do. I try to remind myself to be happy for and inspired by them, instead of being jealous and feeling sorry for myself. The Lord blesses us all in different ways according to His timeline and what He knows we need to progress and be happy (1 Corinthians 2:9).

So I know I can't give in or give up. It is a constant act of will to push on and be positive, optimistic, and hopeful - almost literally pressing forward with faith (2 Nephi 31:20). I can't become a social hermit because my life purpose - To Inspire and Assist Others in Reaching Their Goals and Fulfilling Their Potential - requires social interaction! I am a people-lover at heart. I can't delete my Facebook account because it is nearly vital to my personal calling of sharing the gospel thru social media; also, it can be a wonderful tool of inspiration (to me and from me) and keeping in touch with people I care about.

The Relief Society lesson was perfect for me today. Jarilyn, 1st counselor in our Relief Society, gave a lesson based on the General Conference talk by Elder Walter Gonzalez called "Learning with Our Hearts". The discussion revolved around vulnerability and having a soft, open heart rather than a jaded, calloused one. It was exactly what I needed at the right time. Someone said being open and vulnerable does not signal weakness, but indicates strength because we intentionally expose ourselves to the risk of more pain. I even commented that I know it's a temptation to close off our hearts, but when we close ourselves off to pain, frustration, anger, disappointment, etc., we also close ourselves off to love, joy, and peace.

I don't want to stunt my own ability to love others (romantically and otherwise) for the fear of getting hurt. I don't want to live half a life just to be safe. I want to live my life to the fullest and that means feeling every feeling deeply and wholly - the bad with the good. There is opposition in all things (2 Nephi 2:27)! If I want the most delirious joy, I know I have to let myself feel the almost unbearable pain (1 Corinthians 10:13).

Today was Fast Sunday and I felt like the things I really needed to fast for are the most basic but also the most important: faith, hope, and charity (Moroni 7). All these are not only means to an end of Salvation, but also a means to PEACE (John 14:27) in our lives. Achieving peace of heart and peace of mind in my life has been an ongoing theme this year. Satan attacks us when we're weak, and we'll become weaker if we succumb to the temptation to give in. I refuse! I've worked way too hard and way too long to get here.

I know who I am (a daughter of God), my purpose in life, God's promises to me (thru my Patriarchal Blessing and personal revelation), and how much my Heavenly Father loves me and wants me to succeed (2 Timothy 1:7).

I will fight the good fight (1 Timothy 6:12). I will not let my heart fail me (D&C 88:91). I will be a good soldier (2 Timothy 2:3). I am determined to pass this trial of my faith, just like I've passed all my other ones. I am scarred and broken, but the Savior's atonement heals it all.

Get thee hence, satan (Moses 1:7). You will not keep me down.

"42" - Morals from Jackie Robinson's Biopic

If you haven't seen 42 yet, GO SEE IT.

You don't have to be a sports fan to enjoy it (I don't even know all the rules of baseball). I think it's a very poignant and entertaining movie that fans of any genre would enjoy, even more so because it is based on a true story of heroism and triumph - the story of how Jackie Robinson became the first African American major league baseball player since the 1880s (42 is his uniform number, not the year he joined). The acting and directing are superb.

42 plunges you into the uncomfortable and dark corners of American history, close enough to be within our grandparents' lifetimes. It subtly and powerfully portrays how legalized racial segregation (aka "Jim Crow" laws) permeated every aspect of every American's life, regardless of race. The whole country was swept up in a mob mentality and socialized to believe and enforce the centuries-old false truth that white is superior and black is inferior.

I'm going to try a new approach to analyzing the moral(s) of a movie. Instead of picking one major one to expound on, I'm going to give snippets of thoughts on multiple ones. There are SO many good moments and lessons worth mentioning. These are just the ones that were most touching to me:

Have the Inner Strength NOT to Fight Back

When executive Branch Rickey calls Robinson into his office to offer him a chance to play for his team(s), he squarely lays out all the persecution he will have to face as the only black man. Robinson retorts, "You mean, you want someone who doesn't have the guts to fight back?" Rickey returns with, "No! I want someone who has the guts not to fight back." The distinction is subtle but significant. The natural [weaker] man will react on impulse and likely lash out at his offenders; the [stronger] self-controlled man will not be so easily provoked but think before he acts, and therefore avoid reacting rashly. Rickey even used explicit biblical quotations, namely "turn the other cheek" (Matthew 5:39).

"He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city." (Proverbs 16:32)

I also like this quote by Elizabeth Kenny: "He who angers you conquers you."

Racism is Socialized, Not Instinctive

Bessie Delaney said, "Only little children and old folks tell the truth." In one scene, a colorblind white boy goes to a game with his father, excited to see the new star play. His eyes light up as soon as Robinson steps onto the field, but every [white] person around him heckles the player. The boy looks sad/scared/confused at first but then joins in the derision. It is a heartbreaking moment during which we see how quickly the ugliness of racism is indoctrinated into a person's mind through sheer social force. I love how this movie uses children to show that racism is a completely unnatural creation of humans; it was not given to us at birth as a divine heritage. In fact, it goes against our natural moral compass of right and wrong. As repeated throughout scripture, "God is no respecter of persons" (Acts 10:34), which means He does not favor one above another but loves us all equally as His children.

Those Who Speak the Loudest Are Not Always Right

I loved the moments in the movie when a white man, a stranger or a teammate, would quietly express his support for or publicly defend Robinson. I'm touched by the moviemakers' sensitivity to the complexity of the times. Not all whites were racists; racism was defended by those who were the most outspoken and violent about it - the low-minded mobs, the prideful policemen, the belligerent baseball fans. One of Shakespeare's acute aphorisms applies here: "The empty vessel makes the loudest sound." Many whites kept quiet because they would otherwise be persecuted as a "n***** lover" and risk their safety, as well as their family's. It's easy to ridicule them for being cowardly and passive, but what would we have done if we lived in those circumstances?? It's hard to say, but I do believe that one of the reasons legalized racism lasted so long in this country is because "all it takes for evil to succeed is for a few good men to do nothing" (Edmund Burke).

A Strong Marriage Will Get You Through Anything

One of the first things God did for Adam was give him a wife, for -

"the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him." (Genesis 2:18)

Unlike many marriages of famous men, Robinson's marriage to his wife Rachel was faithful, loyal, and true. And I couldn't find any accounts of the contrary in their real lives. She supported him through his baseball career and all the mistreatment it came with, and I'm sure he supported her as she pursued her nursing career and later taught at Yale. They had 3 children together and stayed married until his death. That's the kind of love and devotion I want in a marriage.

Hatred Only Hurts the Haters

The movie shows that the hatred that drives racisim is a poison that seeps through all areas of life. A good quote by Coretta Scott King (who confronted hatred strong enough to kill her husband, Martin Luther King, Jr.) is, "Hate is too great a burden to bear. It injures the hater more than it injures the hated." Some of the biggest persecutors of Robinson shown in the movie (played by Ryan Merriman and Alan Tudyk) saw their careers decline later on, while Robinson - the hatED - went on to great success. I think people like them put so much energy into hating others that they don't have enough to improve their own lives. Wendell Berry wrote an insightful book called The Hidden Wound (1989) to awaken white people to how much they were hurting themselves and society while persecuting and discriminating against blacks.

Change the World without Changing Yourself

This may sound completely divergent from the famous quote by Gandhi: "You must be the change you wish to see in the world." The way I interpret that is, if you want to see change happen in the world, it has to start with you. I totally agree with that, and I think this quote from 42 just takes it further. The moral here is as we gain fame (and maybe wealth and power) from the impact we have on the world, we should not let it corrupt us or taint our character. After Robinson retired from baseball in 1957, he continued to advocate for racial integration and served with the NAACP (National Association for the Advancement of Colored People). There are so many people who become narcissistic and arrogant with success, but Robinson remained the same honorable man after being a pioneer and record breaker in race relations and baseball.