In Defense of Men

There's been a disturbing trend for some years now - Man Bashing. It was a controversial new bestseller, The End of Men, I saw in an airport bookstore a month ago that first got my mind on the subject. Then I learned that it's just one in a slew of recent books that describe the downward trends for men in modern society, i.e. Why There Are No Good Men Left, The Demise of Guys, The Decline of Men, Why Boys Fail, and Manning Up. The success, maturation, and happiness of men are being hindered in every direction - educationally, professionally, socially, emotionally...

A couple examples from The End of Men:

"For every two men who will receive a BA this year...three women will do the same. Of the fifteen job categories projected to grow the most in the United States over the next decade, twelve are occupied primarily by women."

The Demise of Guys describes a very real trend, even amongst LDS boys:

"An addiction to video games and online porn have created a generation of shy, socially awkward, emotionally removed, and risk-adverse young men who are unable (and unwilling) to navigate the complexities and risks inherent to real-life relationships, school, and employment."

An uncomfortable summary of the plight from Manning Up:

"Traditional roles of family man and provider have been turned upside down as...men...find themselves lost in a world where women make more money, are more educated, and are less likely to want to settle down and build a family."

Other gender gaps:

- Boys are falling farther and farther behind girls in school (see article)
- Women are out-earning men in graduate degrees (see article)
- Men are more susceptible to depression in our sagging economy (see article)

I consider myself a strong and independent woman; an ex-boyfriend even called me a feminist. But "feminist" in the dictionary is defined as "advocating social, political, legal, and economic rights for women equal to those of men", not exceedingly surpassing them. I'm grateful to live in a time and place where I can speak my mind, worship as I please, vote, run for office (no ambitions there), get an education, marry who I want, and work and live where I want...yep, women are doing pretty good right now. But men, as reports show, are not faring as well.

I'm not the only one who's troubled. Prophets and apostles are highly concerned about the declining respect and support of men and their roles:

"Men are portrayed as incompetent, immature, or self-absorbed. This cultural emasculation of males is having a damaging effect." ("Brethren, We Have Work To Do", D. Todd Christofferson)

There have been other recent Church addresses to buoy males up such as "Counsel to Young Men", "Be Your Best Self", "Let Us Be Men", "A Royal Priesthood", and practically every other talk during the Priesthood Session in General Conference.

Men and women are very different; both are imperfect and "come short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23). I rejoice in my womanhood and future motherhood, but I can't fulfill my potential without good and worthy men in my life. God made us to complement and be perfected together (1 Corinthians 11:11, D&C 131:1-4). We (women and society in general) not only want strong men, we NEED them to fulfill the most vital and essential roles in life:

HUSBANDS: We need good men to love and trust; to work and play with; to share all our hopes, triumphs, sorrows, and trials with. We need worthy men to attend the temple with. We need spouses we can serve with. In sickness and health, poverty or wealth...we need good men to progress with in this life and through eternity.

FATHERS: We need good men to help teach, train, love, and discipline our children. We need good male role models to show our children that they will be more happy and fulfilled if they are honest, good, and hardworking than if they give in to temptations and take the easy road. We need fathers who will provide, preside, and protect our homes and families (see "The Family: A Proclamation to the World").

PRIESTHOOD HOLDERS: We need good men of God to administer the saving ordinances of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. We need worthy men to stand for truth, preach the gospel, administer the sacrament, heal the sick, bless babies, pronounce patriarchal blessings, baptize and confer the gift of the Holy Ghost, and seal families in the temple.

We need to support and empower all boys and men to be strong, confident, kind, honest, capable, smart, and honorable. This is a difficult and multi-faceted challenge, but women can be especially helpful by doing what we do best:

Teach and Nurture our brothers, sons, nephews, and cousins to study hard, develop their gifts/talents and social skills, and find healthy recreation.

Influence and Encourage our husbands, friends, coworkers, and classmates by leading by example in kindness, compassion, honesty, fairness, forgiveness, and service.

Praise and Appreciate our fathers, uncles, grandfathers, sons, and boyfriends when they have academic or professional success, uphold integrity, sacrifice for others, magnify their Priesthood, and express their love.

Ultimately, we should embrace the Savior's counsel to have faith, hope, and charity in all things (Moroni 7:42-47). We are all children of God and should help each other achieve our glorious, divine, and infinite potential.

Breaking Up, not Breaking Down

After a week-long break, I ended a relationship with a boy. We came back together and found we had reached the same conclusion that our differences were bigger than our similarities, and it would not work. I feel at peace, which is the sign of a good decision. I don't regret any of the time I spent in any of my dating relationships even though none of them have turned out as I hoped (obviously - my left ring finger is still bare and my last name hasn't changed!), but I don't think any experience is wasted. I learned more about relationships and about myself, and improved in some ways...and I hope he could say the same. Heavenly Father allows us to have this earthly life to gain a body and experiences that we may progress. He's promised that -

"all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good" (D&C 122:7)

And I have witnessed numerous times that -

"all things work together for good to them that love God" (Romans 8:28 - my favorite scripture)

I love God and I know he does too. So I thank God for giving me the experience of dating this boy and share the MORALS OF THE STORY with you :)

Honesty is a virtue - Sometimes, it is easier to be honest with other people than with ourselves (aka blind spots). And I am ashamed - but mostly frustrated - to admit that if lying [to ourselves] is a sin, I was guilty. Interestingly, I noticed most of our major differences early on, some even before we started dating, but I pushed them aside to try to be open-minded and accepting because I wanted so much for it to work. And it did for a while and we were happy, but then I noticed a gnawing uneasiness that I now know comes from being disingenuous with myself - my standards, my principles, my goals. One of satan's tricks is to push us to extremes; that's why temperance is a [often underappreciated] value. In an effort to not be overly judgmental or picky, I had over-corrected and tolerated things that made me feel uneasy.

A friend reminded me that we are not told not to judge, but to judge righteously. We all have the light of Christ within us (aka our conscience, the angel/devil on our shoulders, our 6th sense, our gut feeling, our intuition, etc.) that warns us when something feels...off.

"For behold, the Spirit of Christ is given to every man...ye know the light by which ye may judge, which light is the light of Christ, see that ye do not judge wrongfully...search diligently in the light of Christ." (Moroni 7:16, 18-19)

So when I was finally open and honest with myself (isn't it crazy how satan can make us deceive even ourselves) and judged the situation, I knew this relationship could not progress. I realized that I needed to be true to my emotions and not suppress them. I needed to let the things that bother me bother me, and then honestly assess if they are deal breakers or not. And if they are deal breakers that are not likely to change, they will only escalate and cause misery ahead. Finally being true to myself and my emotions was like a breath of fresh air. Once I was able to be honest with myself, I was able to be open and honest with him.

The truth shall set you free.

Agency is a true eternal principle - You know when you ask God a question, and you think you get an answer, but then you're not sure if it's from Him or just your wishful thinking? Yea I've had my share of those. I think I may have misinterpreted my answers fatalistically. It's not that I didn't choose to be with him, but when things started going wrong, I felt like I was forced to make it work even though it was so hard and tiring. But then a friend reminded me that we should never feel forced in a [healthy] relationship. We should feel happiness above all else. And I remembered that agency (the freedom to choose) is a free gift from God, and He will never take it away from us (even when it pains Him to see His children use it unrighteously).

"Satan rebelled against me, and sought to destroy the agency of man, which I, the Lord God, had given him" (Moses 4:3)

Deciding who to marry is the most important decision of our entire lives; using agency is not only allowed but encouraged - so we can be accountable for and hopefully rejoice in our decision. This is not my opinion, this is prophetic counsel -

"This will be the most important decision of your life, the individual whom you marry...Choose a companion you can always honor, you can always respect, one who will complement you in your own life, one to whom you can give your entire heart, your entire love, your entire allegiance, your entire loyalty...make this most important decision, one guided by prayer as well as instinct." ("Life's Obligations" by Gordon B. Hinckley)

"Marriage is perhaps the most vital of all the decisions and has the most far reaching effects, for it has to do not only with immediate happiness, but also with eternal joy. It affects not only the two people involved, but also their families and particularly their children and their children’s children down through the many generations. In selecting a companion for life and for eternity, certainly the most careful planning, thinking, praying and fasting should be done to be sure that of all decisions, this one must not be wrong. In true marriage, there must be a union of minds as well as of emotions." ("Oneness in Marriage" by Spencer W. Kimball)

That can sound like a daunting decision, but for which I am excited. Surely, in such a monumental decision, the Lord would want us to exercise our gift of agency.

"Love is not finding someone to live with. It's finding someone you can't live without." ~Rafael Ortiz

"Love is friendship set on fire" ~Jeremy Taylor

I really like and believe in these quotes, and will keep them at the forefront of my mind as I continue searching for the person I can't live without. I have alot of good friends, but I'm excited to get sealed to the one with which that friendship is set ablaze.

I am especially grateful for my innate optimism during trials like these. The breakup was calm and full of mutual respect. I wish him the best and I hope we both find eternal companions who are more complementary for us. The future is as bright as our faith.