Lessons From Hiking the Grand Canyon Rim to Rim

I moved back to Utah at the end of August 2017 after living in D.C. for 2 years and NYC for 3.5 years, where I learned I am a city girl at heart. I was very intimidated by all the outdoorsy people in the West but I believe “Life begins at the end of your comfort zone” so I was ready to challenge myself and experience Utah to the fullest. 

Almost to the top

I asked my super outdoorsy friend to take me on a hike and she told me about this group called Adventures with Will that does an annual hike through the Grand Canyon from the North Rim to the South Rim in one day. That blew my mind but she’d done it the last 2 years and was preparing for the 3rd time in 3 weeks. She said anyone can join and I was in good enough shape from dancing and my regular Pilates/Yoga/Barre workouts to do it. I didn’t quite believe her but the more she talked convincingly about it, the more I thought this is the epic kind of challenge I like preparing for and accomplishing, like Ballroom Dance Camp just 3 months prior (see blog post). She said I just have to pay $85 to the organizer (for van rental & gas) and can borrow all the camping stuff from her. She added me to the Facebook event and a couple days later, I sent in my money!  

Planning out my food for the 3 day trip

I was a little daunted that I had only 3 weeks to prepare so I started asking friends to go on hikes with me. I managed to fit in 4 hikes that were about 6-7 miles long, which was only ¼ of the Rim to Rim hike. As the hike got closer, I did other things to prepare:

• Bought way too much nonperishable foods at Walmart
• Asked friends for pep talks, which I re-read several times
• Listened to episodes from my new favorite podcast The School of Greatness by Lewis Howes. I listened to one with Erik Weihenmayer, a blind hiker/kayaker/rock climber, and one with Olympian Apolo Ohno (who happens to be from my hometown near Seattle!)
• Started meditating again with the Calm app
• Ordered a backpack with a water pouch (I hate the word “bladder”) and portable charger for my phone for pics
• Did more yoga so I can be more flexible for dance pics
• Stayed home from 2 activities I wanted to go to the few days before so I could go to sleep earlier and train my body to wake up earlier for the 3am start time

The mini group I hiked with

As I told my friends, family, and coworkers about the big hike, they were enthusiastic and encouraging but I got more and more scared and anxious.

Supportive person - “Are you getting excited for the hike?!”
Me - “No, I’m dreading it and I just want it to be over.”

Early morning light

One coworker said, “If you’re dreading it so much, why don’t you just drop out?” I was horrified by that suggestion and replied, “I can’t quit! I’d lose all respect for myself!” So I actually started thinking about all the reasons I’m choosing to put myself thru this despite the fact that I hate hiking and am not good at endurance workouts at all. I came up with a lot of reasons!

• Because YOLO
• To get out of my comfort zone
• To prove to myself I can do hard things
• To see one of the 7 natural wonders of the world up close 
• For exercise and to challenge my body
• To be more outdoorsy, cuz I live in the West now and it’s what ppl do for fun here (weird)
• For the dance pics

Look at all the trees in the desert!!

Friday morning, I woke up at 5am to do yoga and pack before meeting up with the 21 other people for the 6 hr drive down. My nose started running like crazy and the more I blew it, the more stuffy it got. I was confused because I didn’t feel sick and I’d taken my allergy medicine.

Ribbon Falls detour

On the drive, people were excitedly talking and getting to know each other but I barely spoke cuz I could barely breathe! started to worry and I'm a devout Mormon so I asked one of the guys if he could give me a Priesthood Blessing the next morning if my nose was still runny. He said he’d been inactive and was just starting to come back to the Church. I thought that was great he was coming back and said no problem.

Abundant cacti

As we set up camp at the trailhead, I was feeling so congested, I asked another guy if he could give me a blessing before bed cuz I couldn’t imagine having to do a full day of intense hiking without being able to breathe. He said, “Ok, let me go talk to someone first.” I said ok and waited in my tent. I waited for what seemed like a long time and finally peeked out looking for him. He was talking to another guy reviewing the words to give a Priesthood Blessing. I was touched and happy that he was humble enough to ask for help and gets a chance to exercise his Priesthood. He came back and said he didn’t have any consecrated oil and I said I didn’t care haha. He gave me a BEAUTIFUL blessing that gave me much more than I’d asked for. Not only did the Lord bless me through that guy with “clear breathing”, He also blessed me with strength, health, vigor, and a positive attitude to finish the hike. That last part was what I lacked the most up until that point but if the Lord believed in me, I did too!

Cool rock overhangs

I shared a tent with my friend who invited me. Despite sleeping with 2 sleeping pads, 2 sleeping bags, leggings & sweatpants, long sleeve shirt & sweatshirt, socks and furry slippers, a hat, gloves, and hand & feet warmers…I woke up many times freezing. It got down to about 25 degrees Fahrenheit. We got 4-5 hours of sleep before starting the hike at 4:15am. The first 2-3 hours were steep going downhill in the dark and several things went wrong:

• My flashlight went out in the first 10 minutes, so I had to stay close to the person in front of me and whoever was behind me had to stay close too. 
• My water pouch tube didn’t work AT ALL. So whenever I needed to take a drink, I had to stop and drink from my big Gatorade bottle, which I will be forever grateful to my friend for making me buy. I don’t think I’d ever drank Gatorade. I just kept refilling that at all the water stations along the South Kaibab then Bright Angel trails. 
• I slipped and twisted my knee early on and it was sore for a while. 
• My portable charger never arrived so I just kept my phone on airplane mode, and I actually had 79% battery at the end of the hike!

Majestic rocks

BUT guess what?! I could breathe clearly the entire time! Didn’t even need to use my Kleenex and extra toilet paper til the end when it got chillier. The Lord didn’t let me down! Also, I later realized the problems with my portable charger and water pouch were a tender mercy cuz I returned it and got my $55 back haha. And I learned I always need to pack extra batteries.

Little stream we washed our feet in after lunch

As the sun came up, we were treated to gorgeous views. I marveled at all the desert fauna and flora (lots of deer), especially the odd-looking yucca plants. We were beside a bubbling stream nearly the whole time and I loved taking in all the greenery alongside the towering canyon walls. 14 miles in, we stopped at Phantom Ranch – a bigger camp ground with a few buildings, places for mules, bathrooms, and picnic tables. We rested for about an hour eating, dumping the red dirt from our shoes/socks, stretching, and washing our feet in the ice cold stream. I hate taking medicine unless I really need to but I took Ibuprofen to help with inflammation. That and Gatorade really made a difference; my muscles felt fatigued but not in pain.

The mighty Colorado

I actually led the way most of the time because [I learned that] when I’m focused on a time bound physical goal, I tend to minimize talking to conserve energy and just forge ahead to the finish (I learned this about myself on the hike). Or maybe it was because I was the 5th wheel with 2 couples haha.

The River that gauged this huge canyon over millenia

One of the hardest parts of the hike before the vertical climb at the end was the sandy part next to the Colorado River. We felt like we were on a beach trying to keep from sinking in! I’ve been studying Mindfulness this year and one of the most useful principles is – pain is mandatory [thru life] but suffering is optional. Suffering comes from resisting the pain. If we just accept the pain, it’ll come and pass. So I applied this on the hike by thinking “Ok, this is my life from now on and I’ll accept it” whenever things got harder – trail got steeper, legs got more tired, mounds of mule dung stunk up the trail, etc. Another useful mindset that I learned in my preparatory hikes is – enjoy the views and ignore the pain, basically redirecting my attention.

Beach sand at the bottom of a canyon!?

After our last stop for water and the restroom, it was a steep 4.5 miles straight up to the South Rim. That was when I mentally and physically kicked into another gear. I started focusing on getting to the top and refused to let my mind complain or dwell on how infinite the trail looked. I started praying a lot and talking to God like, “Ok Heavenly Father, you said I could do this. Please bless me with that strength, vigor, health and positive attitude you promised yesterday!”

View from the first set of switchbacks

I found a steady pace and stuck with it. In yoga, when things get really hard and painful, they tell you to focus on the breath and I got mine to be really regular – inhale for 4 counts, exhale for 4 counts. I found that if I gave my body enough oxygen, my muscles didn’t burn. I was in the zone! This was a really new foreign feeling to me because I avoid all endurance exercises/activities haha. I actually loved the log steps in the trail and the frequent switchbacks because it made me feel and see the rapid progress towards the top.

Pics don't do it justice at all

This is an unusual hike, opposite of hiking a mountain because the hardest part is at the end going uphill when you’re most exhausted! Lots of people gave the advice to eat and drink water regularly so I drank water in short intervals the whole time and ate my little bag of chocolate covered cherries slowly. I somehow started passing tons of people, but near the top when my pace slowed, tons of people passed me. I had to keep my pride in check and remind myself this is not a competition. Good thing I'm the least competitive person I know. We’re all on our own journey to endure to the end and it doesn’t matter how fast we go as long as we’re headed in the right direction and don’t quit. Yes, that is a directly applicable lesson for life.

The vertical wall up to the South Rim!

3 scriptures kept popping in my mind during the last arduous ascent:

• John 9:3 “Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him.” 
• Ether 12:27 “And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.” 
• Philippians 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.” 

Gotta make it up before sunset!

So here’s the thing - the coolest part of this whole trip experience was feeling the love and power of God work in me and learning that sometimes, God gives us a weakness so we’ll be humbled to come to Him for help, and He’ll bless us with more than we ever asked for.

How much dynamite did it take to blow this hole for the trail?

The estimated time and distance was 16 hours, 24 miles. It took me 13 hours 10 minutes, 26 miles. I never would’ve finished that hike on my own if it weren’t for that Priesthood Blessing. I never would’ve thought to ask for a Priesthood Blessing if I didn’t suddenly get a miserably runny/stuffy nose. God gave me that small temporary problem so I would come to Him and He could give me greater blessings. How cool is that?! I feel like God gives us these blessings so we can help bring others to Him because He loves us and loves to bless us. I feel like Alma from the Book of Mormon who proclaimed, “Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things; yea, behold, many mighty miracles we have wrought in this land, for which we will praise his name forever.” (Alma 26:12)

Good thing I'm not afraid of heights. Oh wait, I AM.

The power of the Priesthood is real. I am so grateful for men who keep themselves worthy to serve and bless others. God loves and supports us, even in trials and challenges we volunteer and pay for! He keeps His promises and He always delivers, often more that we expect or deserve. I love Him so much and I’m grateful He stayed close to me through this entire experience.

My friends who passed me near the end - champs!

We all had ourselves a feast at the cafeteria that night, then camped again. Camping is the worst. Seriously, I don’t understand why anyone does this for fun. See Jim Gaffigan’s camping skit – it’s true!

I honestly loved the log steps cuz they gave me leverage going up.

Sunday morning, we took a long scenic route to drive home, stopping at 3 lookout spots along the Grand Canyon and got a completely different view from the rim! I’m grateful I found yummy sufficient nonperishable foods to bring so I didn’t have to spend money on the Sabbath. We got back to Provo about 8pm and all rushed to get home. That hot shower and soft warm bed never felt so good! And we all survived to tell the tale at work the next day :) Hallelujah.

Quick pause minutes before reaching the end

Scroll to the bottom for the dance pics I came for and got :)

Golly gee whiz - I climbed through that!!

Never expected all these gorgeous green trees around the rim

View from the Watchtower

Cool little mountain in the middle

Had to get cute souvenirs cuz I'm probably never coming back haha

Many thanks to my friends who patiently helped me take these dance pics. See more on my Instagram @lindanceflor.

5 Bright Sides of Trump's Presidency

I'm definitely not as thrilled about your presidency as you are, Mr. Trump. Actually, it'd be impossible for anyone to be.

I don't know about you, but my mental and emotional health has been severely affected by Donald Trump's victorious election, inauguration, and the breakneck speed of policy changes and public reactions in the last 3 months. Obviously, I did not vote for him, but I didn't vote for Hillary Clinton either. I voted for Jill Stein of the Green Party, which I didn't completely agree with but more so than Trump or Clinton. I didn't expect her to win but I certainly didn't expect Trump to win either. The unthinkable happened, and unthinkable things have kept happening.

I've never felt so many surges of negative emotions while reading/watching social media posts and news sources - frustration, annoyance, indignation, shock, outrage, despondence, hopelessness, helplessness, disgust, etc...I seriously considered moving to another country for the first time in my life because I saw only negative consequences for America and the world. Dirtier air and water, inflamed and systematized discrimination of women & minorities, inexperienced and corrupt appointed leaders, conflicts of interest between his personal businesses & politics, obstruction of scientific research and facts, greater threat of nuclear war, a sullying of America's reputation in the world, and various other fears/worries. I cannot and do not want to go on living in a state of gloom and anger for the next 4 years!

So I've been trying to cope. Looking for the good in the world and in my life. Continuing to write in my daily gratitude journal. Venting to others. Praying a whole lot, especially for Trump and his cabinet members to be wise, honest, altruistic, and just. And I decided I wanted to write and share the positive consequences I can think of from Trump's presidency. Here's what I came up with:

1. I am more informed - I barely read the news or cared about politics before this. But ignorance is a luxury I cannot indulge in anymore.  I am more motivated to stay informed because Trump is instating drastic high-level policies that will affect us all no matter how we might try to hide our heads in the sand. I need to know what's coming and do something about it if I can. I am now more aware of what's going on in the world, though I wish the headlines would be more balanced with positive things, like the things in this video I had no idea about.
2. I have more compassion for others - It has been heartening to see how all the groups who feel threatened (which seems like everyone except heterosexual white American Christian men) are organizing, uniting, and peacefully protesting things that matter to them. It is also amazing to see how people who are not directly threatened stand up for others who are more vulnerable out of a genuine concern for common humanity. I feel more empathic and connected to others around me despite outward differences. 
3. I am more articulate about my own stance - A lot of the things Trump has done/caused that have offended me do so on a deep emotional level, from which I respond with quick accusatory posts. My friends who think differently and present opposing views have forced me to better develop my own opinions, do more research to look for objective facts, and consider new perspectives. We are talking about politics and current events more than ever as a society, and I think it is important to learn to do so respectfully, clearly, calmly, and honestly. 
4. I am learning and practicing mindfulness & Dialectical Behavior Therapy - These are proven skills and tools for managing our difficult emotions, thoughts, and behaviors more calmly so we become less likely to make rash decisions out of impulse. Mindfulness is about bringing attention to the present moment without judgment, which is helpful for me because I tend to worry about what might happen in the future. I'm reading books, attending workshops, doing more yoga, and using an app to meditate everyday (I highly recommend the free app Calm). My country, our world, and my life are likely only going to get more complicated and stress-inducing, so I'm dedicating this year to building a stronger emotional and mental foundation to better handle the challenges ahead. 
5. I am drawing closer to Christ - I'm so grateful to have my Mormon faith to turn to throughout my life, especially now. I've been looking for General Conference talks and Ensign articles that offer hope and comfort. Teachings of the Presidents of the Church we are studying in church right now is a great resource. President Gordon B. Hinckley was such an exuberantly optimistic and positive prophet, along with President Thomas S. Monson. I'm grateful for their encouragement and example. All of these sources point me to Jesus Christ, my Savior and Redeemer. As I read the scriptures, I am inspired by how past people of God endured much harder times of war and persecution with firm faith and hope in the future. I know Christ will come again and be a just and merciful king who will lead us to eternal life free from sin and suffering. Trump is president for 4 years (hopefully less) but Christ is our king forever (Revelations 19:15-16). Because Christ is always the answer. 

I'm hoping I can think of more positive things as time passes. Feel free to share yours in the comments below!

Farewell Letter to President Obama

Wow I never expected to be writing this but we live in extraordinary times. A man I didn't vote for in 2008 and 2012 is leaving the Presidency and I am so sad. And thankful. And anxious about his successor, who has already garnered way too much press and mostly for negative things. 

But I don't want to focus on the negative right now; there has been too much of that. This blog post is one of profound gratitude for the Obamas - for their leadership, example, faith, integrity, passion, and sacrifices. We don't always fully appreciate what (who) we have until we're about to lose it (them)! 

It was heartwarming to go back and read my "Prayer for the President" (see blog post) when he won the election in 2012. I respected him then, but I also greatly admire and love him now. I am touched and grateful to Heavenly Father for answering my prayer for the president over the last 4 years. President Obama has accomplished amazing things in the face of terrible odds and I, as an American, will forever be proud to have lived during his terms in office. Please see my letter below.

Dear President Obama, 

What an amazing honorable legacy you're leaving. You are such an admirable man in so many ways and makes us all want to be a better human and a better American. I just want to find a husband who adores and respects me like you adore and respect Michelle, who prioritizes fatherhood and family dinners when you could make so many excuses not to.

Thank you for your vision of inclusion of every person regardless of their beliefs, background, or lifestyle choices. Thank you for taking the threats of climate change seriously and being a fierce fighter to confront it. Thank you for your example of civility, dignity, and compassion during the many many trials and tragedies our country has faced in the last 8 years. Thank you for frequently and unapologetically calling upon God to bless us and bless this country, for being wise and humble enough to know we can't do this America thing without a higher power. You handle political pressures with calmness, creativity, courage, and exceptional optimism. Thank you for your puns and dad jokes, your shameless singing and joyful dancing, your playfulness with children and animals, and youthful enjoyment of life despite the burdens you carry.

I never voted for you but now I love and will miss you more than I ever imagined. I hope you get a much-needed and well-deserved vacation with your loved ones. I hope you find meaningful work after your presidency and will continue to inspire us with your talents in various capacities. May God bless you, Michelle, Sasha, and Malia with health, safety, peace, and joy for the rest of your lives.

With deep respect and admiration, 

Linda Flores

"Selma" - The Civil Rights Movement for Modern Audiences

***There is no spoiler alert because this was REAL HISTORY! Ha

Note: When I write Black(s), I'm referring to African American(s), not every group of the African Diaspora or modern African immigrants. 

It's so awesome to watch another movie that inspires me enough to want to, need to write about it. I would put it on the same level as other historic epics like Gandhi and Schindler's List that everyone needs to watch at least once in their lives to be more informed and empathetic about the scope and depth of human history, injustice, cruelty, mercy, hope, vision, violence, pride, greed, courage, and kindness. 

You should know by now (see previous posts) that I am obsessed with Black History & Culture. The peculiarity of the fact that I'm 100% Chinese and am not nearly as interested in Asian American History & Culture is not lost on me.

I have...

• read articles, historical books, and slave narratives;
• watched documentaries and biopics; 
• taken classes;
• written papers and blog posts;
• given presentations;
• listened to podcasts; 
• visited museums & monuments; and
• attended concerts and attend events

...to fuel my love of the subject, including this proud moment of marching with thousands in Washington, D.C. at the 50th anniversary of the March on Washington (see blog post) for jobs and freedom where Dr. King gave his "I Have a Dream" speech in 1963.

I love this stuff. Still, there is so much I don't know and would probably fail a test about the details. But it is extremely gratifying to see a mainstream movie backed by big name producers (thank you Brad Pitt & Oprah) and a big budget that is so well done. And I think the movie Selma was spot on in many ways in bringing more awareness to the Civil Rights Movement for modern audiences:

- It was impeccably well-timed - released 1 week before Martin Luther King Jr. Day, 1 month before Black History Month, and 50 years after the actual event. 

- It starts with an intimate scene between Dr. King and his wife. Then it suddenly switches to the utterly shocking, senseless, and cruel events of the Birmingham Church Bombing that killed 4 little black girls and murder of Jimmie Lee Jackson after the 1st attempted march at Selma. It is crucial to remember that these single shattering tragedies represent numerous untold stories of black suffering, many that are much worse and gruesome. Don't even get me started on lynchings...

- It portrays Dr. King as the articulate, courageous, visionary leader he was...but also a morally imperfect human being who had extramarital affairs and people within his group who criticized him. It shows him strong, charismatic, and vocal at the podium, but also exhausted, disheartened, and overwhelmed at night alone, as well as the constant threat of death and heavy guilt he carried. 

- It reminds us that there were many white sympathizers who believed strongly in the Movement and sacrificed much, including their lives at the hands of other whites who despised blacks, Dr. King, and the whole Movement. They broke the mindset of race solidarity that had been instilled in whites since the days of slavery to prevent sympathizing whites from supporting blacks. 

- It points out that there were many ways blacks wanted to obtain equality and there was dissension within the Movement, namely between SCLC (Southern Christian Leadership Conference, led by Dr. King) and SNCC (Student Nonviolent Coordinating Committee), and between Dr. King and Malcolm X.  

- It revealed the tense period of the controversial Vietnam War that many alive today remember well - and the hypocrisy Dr. King saw in the federal government spending millions of dollars to send Americans to fight for people in a faraway country while leaving its own people helpless in America. I admit I don't know much about the Vietnam War but his indignation is completely understandable. 

- It highlights the fact that without mass media (newspapers, radio, and especially TV), Dr. King's nonviolent tactics would not be nearly as effective, and most likely not even worth doing. The main reason he risked blacks getting injured, jailed, and killed was because he expected journalists and news broadcasters to expose the injustice and violence of white supremacy and police brutality in order to prevent more suffering.

I definitely shed tears during the film. It hurts my soul to see such injustice and cruelty heaped upon a whole race of people just because of their skin color. It infuriates me whenever I think that the descendants of slave masters continue to treat the descendants of slaves with contempt, discrimination, and barbarity.

Truly, the only way I can bear to learn about this harsh history and reality is by constantly remembering that Jesus Christ paid for every single person's sins (if they are willing to repent) and will make up for every unfair thing ever suffered in human history. Scriptures such as these are a spiritual balm to me:

"Let all the saints rejoice, therefore, and be exceedingly glad; for Israel’s God is their God, and he will mete out a just recompense of reward upon the heads of all their oppressors." (D&C 127:3) 

“ye need not suppose that the righteous are lost because they are slain; but behold, they do enter into the rest of the Lord their God.” (Alma 60:13)

As we know from the recent events surrounding Trayvon Martin, Eric Garner, and others (#blacklivesmatter), racism and police brutality are unfortunately still with us. Slavery left a long ugly legacy. The struggle is real and it continues.

Go watch Selma.

"Don't Play in the Sun" - My Own Ethnic Insecurities

Once upon a time, I wanted to be an African American Studies professor and wanted to write about colorism for my master's thesis. Long story short, I no longer want to be a professor, though I still want to work in higher education and am passionate about African American studies. So as an intro...

Colorism: a practice of discrimination by which those with lighter skin are treated more favorably than those with darker skin.

Not sure why, but I am absolutely fascinated by this topic. It might be because I am also fascinated by stories of the intertwining lives of people from different races/ethnicities/countries. Stories of love, colonialism, travel, and perhaps most of all, breaking family/cultural norms and expectations. 

Don't Play in the Sun is the short memoir by Marita Golden, a successful dark-skinned Black author/professor born in 1950 who pours out her insecurities and psychological scars from being raised in a society where she sees favoritism for light-skinned people (Blacks and Whites) and discrimination towards dark-skinned Blacks everywhere. I devoured this book in 2 days.

I have never experienced colorism as a Black person in America, but I have felt ugly, alienated, praised, and special because of my ethnic/racial features and background. After divorcing my Chinese father, my Chinese mother married a man from Guam (Pacific Islander) and changed our lives forever by moving us to America.

I admire the author's willingness to be vulnerable and her persistent advocacy to bring awareness and healing to those who are affected by colorism in America and globally. As stated in the book, colorism is not just about beauty, but also status, privilege, and influence - powerful stuff. More poignantly, she wrote of instances when she would catch herself perpetuating the same colorist mentalities she fell victim to. 

So mimicking Golden's style of loosely stringing together little stories based on topic, here is my own brutally honest, super-mini memoir on colorism.

Beauty Standards

• I became interested in makeup in junior high but the tips on applying eye makeup baffled me because I could never get my eyes to look like the pictures in the magazines.
• I highly desired and coveted narrow turned-up noses and facial profiles like white people's. I often pinched my nostrils in to try to make them narrower, frequently checking my profile in the mirror to see if my nose had grown higher to give me a more distinct profile.
• I was frustrated because I could not find the right shade of foundation for my yellow skin, or at least by a drugstore brand I could afford as a teenager without a job.
• I was distraught that my lashes were so short and straight and pointed down (this is before I learned how to use an eyelash curler and mascara) and not naturally long and curly like white people's. 
• My mom is relatively dark (she was born and raised on a rural tropical island) and she told me stories of how people would tell her she’s pretty because of her big eyes but her skin too dark, so they nicknamed her “Black Rose”.
• When I visited my Chinese father after years of not seeing each other, he kept looking at my facial profile and verbally admired that his daughter had a tall nose for a Chinese person. I was annoyed and wondered how he might comment if I had a flat nose. 
• Sometimes, I feel unattractive when I don't wear eye makeup because my eyes look smaller and I look more Chinese. 

Dating

• I’m Mormon and I want to marry a Mormon guy, but Utah (where I lived for 6 years during & after college) is super white and alot of the local guys grew up around white girls, so their mental image of their ideal girlfriend/wife is white (i.e. fair skin, blonde hair, blue eyes). I do not fit that at all and was always disappointed when my crushes (not necessarily white) dated or married white girls.
• I’m mostly attracted to white guys. I am not usually attracted to Asian guys, partly because I don’t want to marry an Asian guy and have Asian babies. I want my babies to be mixed because that’s how I feel - very multicultural and not exclusively, culturally Asian.
• Many people who grew up in white Utah have not had much experience interacting with Asians and initially didn’t know how to interact with me. I sensed that they weren’t sure I could speak English and were somewhat cautious talking to me, until they realized I am very American and don’t have an Asian accent.
• Many of the guys who were interested in dating me had served missions in Asian countries or with many Asians (Hong Kong, Taiwan, Australia, Mongolia, Japan) and became interested in me soon after returning from their missions. Some of them had “Yellow Fever” and I could never be sure whether they liked me for my personality/character or my Asianness (facial features, language, family ties).
• I still carry lingering insecurities that the guys I like will either never like me because of my Asian looks or only like me because of my Asian heritage. So sometime during college, I told my roommate that I have to develop a really great personality because no guy is gonna go for me based on my looks. 
• My Chinese grandparents asking why I was dating a guy who looks black (who was actually Afro-Caribbean) and having to defend my [ex]boyfriend’s good non-physical traits.

School

• I felt that I was expected to be really good at science and math, but I am not good at either. I may have been subconsciously not good at it to try to break the stereotype (I am just realizing this). 
• I have always naturally been interested in the humanities and social sciences, but I think I pursued it more passionately because that goes against the expectation that Asians will study fields that lead to lucrative jobs as doctors, lawyers, engineers, and accountants.

Social Situations

• When I’m one of a handful of Asians in a room, I generally don’t talk to them and talk to people of other ethnicities so I don’t fulfill the stereotype that Asians are insular and socially awkward with strangers.
• When a white person meets an international Chinese person (who grew up in China), they immediately think of the few Chinese people they know (including me) and introduce them to their friend. I always feel awkward because my Chinese language skills are not super good and I have a hard time carrying on a conversation with native Chinese people, not just because of my limited vocabulary but also because of limited overlapping interests. Thus, I’m colder towards these Chinese people than I normally would be with other new friends because I don’t want others to encourage them to use me as a language crutch to translate for them.

This is all pretty negative stuff; we all have our insecurities/weaknesses/faults. But I am generally a very hopeful, optimistic person. Through the years, I have significantly improved my confidence, self-acceptance, and positive self-image by working on many worthwhile endeavors: dance, piano, singing, school, work, church, friends, family, service, etc. I figured out how to use makeup to accentuate my Asian features. I've met and dated guys who thought I was beautiful AND loved my personality. I try to broaden my areas of knowledge. I try to find ways to relate more to native Chinese people. 

Since I joined The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints at age 18, I have found joy and hope in scriptures like these:

"The Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart." (1 Samuel 16:17)
 “The Lord...doeth that which is good among the children of men; and he doeth nothing save it be plain unto the children of men; and he inviteth them all to come unto him and partake of his goodness; and he denieth none that come unto him, black and white, bond and free, male and female; and he remembereth the heathen; and all are alike unto God, both Jew and Gentile.”  (2 Nephi 26:33) 

I am grateful that I live in a time and place where I do not usually experience decreased status, privilege, or influence due to my skin color, race or ethnicity. I have found many ways to feel beautiful, not all of them having to do with altering my looks. And God's love makes up for the rest.

Andy Grammer's album "Magazines or Novels" - a Musician and His Morals

Andy Grammer saved me in the summer of 2011 when I graduated from college and was desperately looking for a meaningful job with my B.A. in American Studies. I remember it as a desperate faith-trying time and his first single “Keep Your Head Up” had just come out. Every time I heard it on the radio, I felt a little more optimistic and less anxious. Look up the lyrics, you’ll see what I mean.

I started listening to his other songs and found that his positive hopeful lyrics, singable melodies, and catchy grooves really resonated with me. I was super excited to finally see him in concert at Irving Plaza in June 2014. I realized Andy Grammer is not just a talented singer/songwriter/keyboardist/guitarist and enthralling performer, he’s also an authentic person and devoted husband with a lot of integrity. In addition to all the favorites, he played many songs from his new album. I gained a tremendous respect for not only the way he upholds his personal morals but how he can share them in a nonjudgmental, non-preachy way through infectiously fun songs.

Thank goodness I only had to wait a month after the concert for his new album, Magazines or Novels, to come out. And I love it so much that I have to blog about it. But I want to focus on 2 songs that especially impressed me because they stand for morals that are so often abandoned and even mocked today. Plus both are super fun to sing along to :)

***Disclaimer: I try to avoid songs with profanity and crudeness but I believe the merits and messages of these songs are worth promoting.

Honey, I’m Good

Condensed lyrics (pardon some language):

It’s been a long night here, and a long night there

And these long long legs and da** they’re everywhere

You look good, I will not lie

But if you ask where I’m staying tonight

I gotta be like oh baby, no baby, you got me all wrong baby

My baby’s already got all of my love

[Chorus]

So nah nah Honey, I’m good

I could have another but I probably should not

I’ve got somebody at home, and if I stay I might not leave alone

No, honey, I’m good

I could have another but I probably should not

I’ve got to bid you adieu

To another I will stay true

Now better men, than me have failed

Drinking from that unholy grail

I’ve got her, and she got me

And you’ve got that a**, but I kindly gotta be like

Oh baby, no baby, you got me all wrong baby

My baby’s already got all of my love

[Bridge]

Oh, I’m sure ya, sure ya will make somebody’s night

But oh, I assure ya assure ya, it sure as hells not mine

It is from a unique perspective because he directs it to his gorgeous temptress. I think he exemplifies amazing values and principles in it.

Honesty: He admits that he is tempted and he knows he is weak. He doesn’t try to suppress his libido and he can appreciate an attractive female but he does avoid the temptation of staying for another drink. So many times, we fool ourselves into thinking that we can get super close to a temptation and be strong enough to resist, but our willpower is sometimes not able to overpower our hormones or appetites. He knows he’s not superhuman - better men than me have failed. As Jesus warned “Watch and pray, that ye enter not into temptation: the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.” (Matthew 26:31)

Self-Control: Peer pressure can make us do all kinds of things we regret (though, of course, there’s positive peer pressure that pushes us to be better). I’m sure he has some friends along with this temptress who are asking him to have another [drink] but he has his limits and sticks to I probably should not. Since I don’t drink alcohol, the equivalent of this to me and other Mormons might be the pressure to have another piece of cake/brownie/pie. It’s hard to say no! Especially when it’s an attractive person asking us to enjoy it with them. As Alma told his son, “I would that ye would be diligent and temperate in all things” (Alma 38:10). It doesn’t mean we can’t have some cake/brownie/pie, it just means we need to know when to stop.

Faithfulness: Andy Grammer married his wife in 2012. He wore his wedding ring and mentioned his beautiful wife Aijia several times during his concert. It’s obvious that she’s already got all of [his] love. I'm not sure what his Baha’i faith and his own values dictate for marriage but he takes his marriage vows seriously. The Bible teaches that “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24) I also love this scripture from D&C 42:22 “Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else.” I love that he is trying to do this.

Non-Judgment: My own religious and personal convictions do not condone one night stands and Andy’s doesn’t seem to either, but I admire his respect for anyone else who might choose differently than him. Multiple apostles have recently counseled us to be kind and courteous to those who think, act, or feel differently from us. Apostle Dallin H. Oaks said in his recent General Conference address, “Even as we seek to be meek and to avoid contention, we must not compromise or dilute our commitment to the truths we understand...Though we may disagree, we should not be disagreeable. Our stands and communications on controversial topics should not be contentious. ...we should be persons of goodwill toward all...as followers of Christ we should live peacefully with others who do not share our values.”

Holding Out

Condensed lyrics:

When I met you, love, I hadn't done the dirty yet,

Call me the unicorn, they said that I didn't exist,

Truth is my heart was torn, the v had a couple of rips

But I was still holding on to the edge with my finger tips

[Bridge]

With a little bit of prayer, little bit of porn, sorry,

Couple long nights of sleeping on my own

Waiting for the right one to come along

Waiting for the right one and now I know

[Chorus]

That I was holding out for you

Yeah, I've been holding out for you

And the neighbors, yeah, they're all haters 'cause they say that we go too loud

I've been holding out for you

And a couple times thought I might not make it

Laying on the bed, both of us half naked

Looking in her eyes something in my heart said save it

Here we go again, another awkward conversation

Cupid's secret is love starts before you meet it [3x]

***NOTE: Neither I nor The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints encourage, permit, or condone using pornography for any reason. (See “Pornography”, April 2005)

In this song, he’s talking to his current wife. This is a powerful song. And here are the reasons why it touches me every time I hear it:

Courage: How many pop songs express the sanctity of chastity and sex within marriage? I can’t think of one but I can think of dozens that condone and promote sex outside of marriage. It’s arguable whether Andy Grammer could have published this song successfully if he were just starting out as a professional music artist. But now that he has a respectable following and is touring widely, he has the influence to be bold about his values. Men like him, especially famous men, are rare. People called him a unicorn because outside of my Church, it does seem like they don’t exist. President Thomas S. Monson would have been proud to see him follow his counsel: “May we ever be courageous and prepared to stand for what we believe, and if we must stand alone in the process, may we do so courageously, strengthened by the knowledge that in reality we are never alone when we stand with our Father in Heaven.” (“Dare to Stand Alone”, October 2011)

Sanctity of Sex: Keeping the Law of Chastity is HARD, even for us Mormons who try to keep an eternal view as motivation to keep our covenants and save sex for our spouse only. In somewhat vague and obscured language (probably to shield children), Apostle Boyd K. Packer stated, “Participation in the mating process offers an experience like nothing else in life. When entered into worthily, it combines the most exquisite and exalted physical, emotional, and spiritual feelings associated with the word love. ...The only legitimate employment of the powers of procreation is between husband and wife who have been legally and lawfully married.” (“The Fountain of Life”). In other words, sex is not off limits outside of marriage because it’s bad. Sex is preserved for marriage because it is so good and special. I believe it was the Light of Christ that was the something in [his] heart that said save it.

Patience: Patience is not a passive thing. It takes alot of mental energy and self-discipline to hold out for something as Andy Grammer did. And I believe he did because he knew it would be worth it, that it would be so much more special because he worked and waited for it and now shares it exclusively with his wife. Apostle Jeffrey R. Holland said, “In matters of human intimacy, you must wait! You must wait until you can give everything, and you cannot give everything until you are legally and lawfully married.” (“Personal Purity”, October 1998).

I’m so grateful for good music. Enjoy the rest of his album :)

My Religion is a Benefit, Not a Barrier

If you're applying to NYU's master's program in Counseling for Mental Health and Wellness for 2014, you will need to write an essay in addition to your personal statement.

Describe a characteristic or issue of your own that could present a challenge in your work as a counselor. Explain how you address that challenge to become a more effective counselor. 

This was my response in full (2 pages, double spaced):