I Am Such a Cliché

There comes a time when we realize we are not unique - that we are actually quite typical.

Through talking to my young single adult peers and contemplating various blogs, articles, books, songs, movies, and TV shows, I have come to the realization that I am SUCH a product of my generation. There are many names – Generation Me, Generation Y, Millennials, etc. – for the group of us born in the 1980s. I am in my mid-20s. I am having a lot of fun and learning a lot. I also feel insecure and vulnerable at times. I realize that almost all my peers are going through the same reality whiplashes of this “defining decade”, our 20s. Allow me to use myself as a case study of The Quarter Life Crisis:

1) Drawn out college years – I stayed in my undergraduate degree for as long as I could (5.5 years) and picked up a minor along the way (though I have enough credits for 3 minors) because I loved the in-between growing stage between high school and adulthood. College is a unique cocoon-like time when we’re allowed to take risks, try new things, make mistakes, and actively find and create ourselves. We have relative independence and not as many responsibilities yet. We could still explore and not be expected to live up to “what we want to be when we grow up”, which can cause great pride or anxiety when posed as a question.

2) Moved across the country – 7 months after graduation, I tried but couldn’t achieve my career goals in my college town, so I moved from the West to a big East Coast city to “chase my dreams” (I had/have many). It has been a big adventure. Sometimes I still stop and think incredulously, “I work and study in the nation’s capital. How did this happen!?” The emotional and social transitions are taking a much longer time to play out than the physical transition.

3) Career crisis – I’ve tried a few options since college graduation and I thought I finally figured out a career path I could be passionate about. It took hard work, trials of faith and tenacity, and a few detours. But now that I’m on this path and confronted with the bleak reality of the job market [in academia], I am trying to figure out how to go back to a former option. Ironically, I want to go into career counseling, to help other people avoid the drawn out, roundabout path I’m currently taking! Though it might seem quaint, I admire those people who have known exactly what they wanted to be from a young age and followed the smooth and straight path to achieve it.

4) Blog(s) – I have 3 (see right sidebar) that serve different themes. We are the first generation to have almost entirely grown up with the internet, which offers an unprecedented forum for sharing our personal thoughts, feelings, travels, pictures, crafts, videos, music, art, etc. Private journals and physical photo albums have given way to shameless public declarations of the minute and monumental moments of our lives through tweets, Facebook statuses, instagram pictures, and blog posts like this one (guilty). We want to be known, we want to be heard, we want to be validated.

5) Compulsive multi-tasker – We feel like we all have ADD because we feel compelled to constantly check our devices and social media (email, texts, Facebook, Twitter, voicemail, etc.). Whether it’s because we’re bored or lonely, our need to always be “in touch” is feeding our FOMO (Fear of Missing Out), the ubiquitous plague of our generation. Because we are more accessible, others expect more of us. There is a vicious cycle in media: messages shortened to fit our diminishing attention spans, which then decreases our opportunities to practice reading longer (more detailed and developed) material. We have a hard time concentrating on one task for very long when it is required. How many distractions did I have had while writing this post?

6) Relationships...yea – Around our mid-20s, our friends and family start to [un]tactfully ask us when we'll get married and have children. The pressure mounts, magnified by social media, with more of our friends getting married. Almost every Mormon young single adult I’ve talked to has said in a tone denoting their simultaneous disbelief and disappointment, “I didn’t expect to still be single at this age”. As a whole, our generation is getting married later in life than any previous generation due to various economic, political, and cultural reasons. Whether that is a deliberate decision or not; we still all yearn for meaningful fulfilling relationships, but either we haven't found the right person yet or we're not ready to commit/settle down. Since the success of romantic relationships is out of our control, we try to focus on ways we can continue to progress and improve ourselves in order to prepare ourselves (not that progress and improvement stop at marriage; quite the opposite really) to attract a suitable [eternal] companion.

Yes, I am a product of my times, but not a victim to it. The cliches of our generation can be used to our advantage or disadvantage. Every generation has its unique challenges and opportunities. I am a dogged optimist so I am determined to thrive, not just survive my 20s. This, too, shall pass. I don’t want to just say I lived through it, I want to be able to say I lived fully IN it.

If I Were a Purse...

Ever since junior high, I've been engaged in learning about myself so I can have a better reference point from which to understand and interact with the world. I've taken countless personality tests, polled my friends, read numerous books & articles, and blogged & journaled as ways of self exploration and expression...but given that I'm only in my mid-20s and constantly changing/growing, I still have a lot to learn!

Recently, I discovered a new way of learning about myself - by the things I buy/own. I try to avoid materialism (Colossians 3:2, Alma 39:14, D&C 6:7) so I don't mean "I am what I buy". I like aesthetically pleasing and good quality things like most people, but I try to use, enjoy, and take care of them without becoming attached to them. What I discovered is: My possessions don't define me, but sometimes they describe me.

Case in point: this purse

I bought it at a Labor Day sale with my $75 Macy's gift card from my boss last Christmas (took 9 months to decide how to spend it wisely). I hate purse shopping because I refuse to spend above $40 and it's hard to find a good quality purse I like with that price limit. So I put it off for as long as I can until my current one wears out, which usually takes 1-2 years, then I buy a new one and toss the old.

I spent about an hour in Macy's trying on dozens of purses, comparing color, price, size, material, etc. I walked out with the most expensive purse I've ever owned (with $1.84 left on my gift card!) and was really unsure whether I would keep it because it is SO different from all my previous purses. Over the next 10 days, it really grew on me! I realized this purse is basically me in accessory form. It describes me perfectly, or at least what I'm striving to be.

Here are the 10 ways:

1) Colorful: I love bright rich (vs. neon or pastel) colors. I feel like my life has exploded in color since I moved to DC (see my DC to the Fullest blog). Life is more vibrant and colorful here than I've experienced in China, Guam, Seattle, or Utah. My closet and bedroom reflect this - bright blocks of color against stabilizing neutrals. I'm very multicultural so 3 colors represent me better than 1.

Also, the inside lining is awesome because it represents the many cultures I am influenced by and want to explore; I feel like I carry them inside me.

2) Nice Lines: Not to say I have nice lines haha, but I always try to create nice lines when I dance and pose for pics. I think my dancer's aesthetic causes me to be drawn to simple graceful lines, angles, and arches. My last purse was more of a blob and the one before that had too many lines; this one has a good balance of clean straight and curved lines.

3) Minimal: I don't like fluff or excessive adornment. I hate clutter. This purse doesn't have anything I don't need. I love glamour and accessories but I only wear 1 or 2 at a time so they stand out and complement instead of distract or overwhelm. I like the idea of being "neat and comely" (Alma 1:27).

4) Genuine: Don't know if you can tell from the pictures but the purse is genuine leather. I didn't know until I checked the tag yesterday so I was pleasantly surprised :) I think this represents me well because I am super straightforward and honest (sometimes to a fault). What you see is what you get. I try to be my real self to everyone because it's exhausting trying to keep up a false image, and people can always tell if you're faking it anyway (like faux leather).

5) On-the-Go: I'm active and I value functionality. I got tired of holding my purse (clutch purses are the worse) and always having to pull up the straps, especially when I'm carrying groceries or taking pictures. With this purse, I can say "Look, Ma! No hands!" Loving it :)

6) Compact: Prioritization is a big theme in my life right now. There are so many things I want to do but time and money seem so scarce. Once again, I'm trying to streamline my life, invest in what really matters (see "Prioritizing 'Things That Matter Most'" post) and fulfills me (2 Nephi 9:51), and cut out the excess (see "The Big Rocks of Life" by Stephen Covey). This is easier said than done but getting a smaller purse lightens the burden on my back, literally ;)

7) Unique: I've seen alot of purses and I've never seen one quite like this one. I've also never met another Linda who is Mormon and biologically Chinese but Latin dances and loves African American culture, among other things. I used to resent being unique, but now I embrace it.

8) Adaptable with Preferences: There are 3 rings on the purse and the strap can hook on 4 different ways, with varying lengths and levels of comfort. I mostly keep the strap at the longest length so I can wear it across my body. This is like me socially. I can adapt to various group sizes and situations for varying lengths of time and levels of comfort, but I mostly prefer meaningful 1-on-1 conversations.

9) Efficient/Creative: See the outside zipped pocket? That's a wallet! How brilliant is that?! So convenient in so many ways. I like to shorten and simplify processes to find the fastest and most effective way to do things. Efficiency often requires creativity and I enjoy those opportunities to be creative. I think this attached wallet is very creative.

10) Structured but Flexible: It's not a loose drawstring bag or a stiff briefcase. I like that this purse looks structured but can be stretched a bit to hold different shapes if needed. I need structure and some routine to my life to be productive but I also try to leave room for a little spontaneity or when something important comes up.

Well that was fun! Looking forward to keep learning about myself, others, and the world around me :)
***
Update: November 27, 2013

Alas, I had to get a new purse because this one was just too small for me. On occasions that I needed my camera, glasses case, or a book to read on the metro, I couldn't fit them in without my purse bulging out or my contents almost falling out. Not safe. So I upgraded to this lovely piece -

Almost the same except
- It has more room
- It's one color (easier to match), which I LOVE
- It doesn't have a built-in wallet so I had to dig my old one out
- It has tiny bit of bling, classy not trashy :)

The Art of Friendship

I’ve learned a lot about God and Jesus Christ’s characters lately. As I have been trying to emulate the Savior like we are commanded to do (Matthew 5:48), I realized that many of His characteristics are the traits of a great friend. I feel my capacity to be a good friend increasing as I strive to become more like Him:

1) He pays attention to each ONE. He blessed the little children one by one (3 Nephi 17:21). He always addresses people individually by their first name (i.e. Exodus 31:2). He makes each person He talks to feel known, valued, and special.

2) He is never in a rush (3 Nephi 17:5). He never makes you feel like you’re taking up too much of His time and He would rather be doing something else.

3) He is a good listener. He empathizes and sympathizes with others. He weeps for those he loves (John 11:35) and compliments or praises them openly when He is proud of them.

4) He serves others. He observes their needs and fulfills them. (i.e. Luke 9:11-17 and John 13:14-16)

5) He believes in each person’s potential and encourages us to reach it (Ether 12:27). He accepts people for their flaws and weaknesses but always tries to help us become better. (John 8:2-11)

6) He forgives (i.e. Luke 7:47).

7) He is no respecter of persons (D&C 38:16). He treats everyone with respect (i.e. Exodus 33:11).

Whenever anyone displays these characteristics towards me, it feels amazing. Whenever I practice these characteristics toward others, I feel God's love for them flow through me more abundantly (1 John 4:7). I've also learned other things about being a good friend by noticing how I would want to be treated by my friends:

8) Keep up with people’s lives and send thoughtful notes of encouragement/comfort when needed. Share my own experiences that relate to theirs. Share good advice I’ve learned.

9) Make an effort to be at their special events and send sincere well wishes if I can’t be there.

10) Introduce them to my other friends I think they would enjoy.

11) Celebrate their accomplishments enthusiastically with them (vs. be jealous or resentful).

12) Always respond to invitations/questions clearly, sincerely, and in a timely manner.

13) Avoid distractions and using electronic gadgets when I’m talking to someone.

14) Never underestimating the power of praying for someone else, and knowing someone else is praying for you (D&C 25:12)

DISCLAIMER: I am far from mastering all these traits of a great friend, but I'm trying, and won't be perfect at it until after this life. In the meantime, here are a couple of dilemmas I’m realizing about friendship:

A. I’m an extremely loyal person and I used to think that if I make a friend, I have a friend for life. But I’ve learned the hard way that most people aren’t like that. There are all levels of friendship and they can all be enjoyed if we appreciate them for what they are. For example: friendly hallway acquaintances; situational friends; instant-click friends; admirable but incompatible friends; longtime casual friends; attractive friends you’ll date; and friends you’ll stay close with no matter how far apart or how long it’s been since you’ve seen each other. And then, of course, there is one eternal friend you will fall in love with and marry and raise a family with and hold closer to your heart than any other friend. The trick is figuring out what kind of friend each person I meet will become.

B. The better of a friend I am and the older I get, the more friends I'll make and keep, and the less time I will have to be the kind of friend I want to be to each friend. Since graduating from college, it has been sad for me to see my friends be more scattered across the country. I'm so thankful for technology that makes it easier to keep in touch with some of them but distance and diverging lives become huge barriers. Basically, it's the same problem we have in every other area of life - finite time and abilities.

Bottom line: I have been more grateful than ever for my friends this year. They are the angels God sends to answer almost every prayer. They nurse me through my heartaches, laugh at my corny jokes, give me good advice, let me vent, bring smiles, create laughter, cheer me on, give me hugs, and warm my heart. Friends, I love you and hope to always be worthy of your friendship as I strive to become more like Jesus Christ, our best and perfect friend.

A Dancer's Dilemma

***I realize the tone/style of this post can seem over-dramatic at times, but that is not my intent. This was a powerful and humbling spiritual experience and I am trying to express it in the most honest way possible :) ***

Tuesday
If I had a holiday, it would be National Dance Day (NDD). I'd been looking forward to it since last year and was eager to learn the hip hop routine (each year, the founders put out 2 dance routines for people all over the country to learn) and dance it at the Kennedy Center festivities on Saturday. I invited some friends to learn it with me at the Church before Institute. When we got there, the sister missionaries were meeting with Lisa (a Chinese grad student at George Washington University who came to our Church on her own a few months ago) to prepare her for her baptism on the upcoming Saturday. One Sister asked me excitedly if I would like to come, to which I made a very uncomfortable hesistant face because it would conflict with the 1-10pm festivities of NDD! Upon seeing my face, she sweetly said "Nevermind, it's ok if you can't". Guilt. Then my friend Ben said I should go talk to Lisa because I speak Chinese. I said I don't know that many gospel terms and he said I knew more than the sister missionaries. More guilt. I said I still feel uncomfortable talking to Chinese investigators because it's awkward for me, and I was also in a rush to get my friends upstairs to learn the routine. So we went upstairs, had a lot of fun learning the routine, and then went to various classes for Institute.

In my class, we discussed Elder Quentin L. Cook's talk "Can You Feel So Now" in which one phrase stuck out to me. It dissuaded giving "first-class devotion to lesser causes". I've been overbooking myself lately and have been trying to figure out how to prioritize activities better. As a class, we identified first class priorities as eternal things, and lesser things as that which have no significance beyond this life. I couldn't stop thinking about the baptism and trying to rationalize my way out of attending it. I certainly wasn't obliged to and I had already made plans! Plus I'd be all the way in DC and didn't have a ride! And I knew the baptism would probably be ill-attended because it was during a Saturday night and at the stake center (somewhat far away).

Yet I knew that this was a test of faith, obedience, and submitting my will to God. I am the only Chinese member in the ward, also a convert, and also attend George Washington University. Out of everyone in the ward, I probably had the most in common with Lisa and she could probably use the support. Dance is a good thing, but was I putting it above spiritual things? I knew as soon as I did that, I would lose a multitude of blessings - ones I enjoy now and other ones the Lord has yet to give me. And I certainly did not want to be in that position, knowing that this was one step away from Christ and one step toward the world. Satan is sneaky and can tempt us away in small degrees (1 Peter 5:8), just as Lehonti was subtly lured off the mountain and killed by degrees of poison (Alma 47:8-19).

So I prayed that night, asking for faith and humility to accept the Lord's will as I asked Him whether He wanted me to go to the baptism. I got a "yes", and that He would also provide a way for me to get there. Besides, I could still catch the last 3 hours of NDD after the baptism. I'm not proud to say that after this prayer, I was still not absolutely sure I would go.

Wednesday
I got a mass email from Rachel (music co-chair) asking for a volunteer to play a musical number at the baptism. Guilt AGAIN. I had resolved several years ago that if there was ever a musical need (specifically piano playing) in the church, I would volunteer my talents because I know they are a gift from God to serve and uplift His children (D&C 82:18) and if I hide my light under a bushel, I would surely lose it (Matthew 25:14-30). Still, I tried to push her email out of my mind, hoping someone else would volunteer. But by the next day and after thinking about it more, I realized it would be outright rebellion to ignore a clear answer I got to my prayer. I've done that before and it was a miserable wrenching repentance process; I would be a fool to put myself through that again, not to mention disappoint the Lord and dampen my capacity to receive future revelation.

Thursday
I responded to Rachel's email asking if she had found somebody. She responded "maybe" and asked if I could play something. I offered to play "Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring", a piece I had played years ago. It was simple and beautiful, and wouldn't need a lot of re-polishing. Rachel responded that it would be fine and told the two other people who had offered that they were off the hook. Well, that was that. I'd cemented my attendance at the baptism and I can't back out now! That night, I posted a request for a ride on the ward listserv.

Friday
No one replied by the afternoon, I thought maybe I was off the hook too! Maybe someone else would jump in with an even better musical number? Maybe the Lord was testing my willingness to serve and sacrifice, and let me loose the last minute like He did with Abraham when he was about to kill his son Isaac for a sacrifice (Genesis 22:1-18)? But it was not to be, because my friend Britt's beach plans fell through and she offered to go to the baptism with me (she has a car). At least now I have a good friend to go with. I stayed on campus an hour after work on Friday to practice in one of the piano rooms. The muscle memory kicked in and I got the piece to performance level after a few play-throughs.

Saturday
I excitedly got ready to go to the Kennedy Center for NDD. I re-read the schedule carefully when I got there and literally mourned that I would have to leave just as the hip hop routine would start in order to catch the metro home and walk to Britt's house to get to the baptism early (in case the musical number was scheduled at the beginning). I'd watched and practiced the hip hop routine dozens of times in preparation for this day. I felt like I wanted to cry, knowing that I'd have to wait a whole year for this holiday to come again. I wondered if there was any way I could leave just 30 minutes later, but I imagined the panic at the baptism when I wouldn't arrive in time to play. I love this Church and this gospel and I remember my baptism day 7 years ago very vividly; there was no way I was going to ruin Lisa's special day. But I felt like the Lord was hitting me where it hurt, so to speak. Then I thought of the early pioneers (it was Pioneer Day 3 days prior) and the much greater sacrifices they were asked to make, and I felt selfish and prideful. Drama Queen moment over. I silently prayed for a miracle to allow me to be able to somehow still see/participate in the hip hop routine. Either way, I was determined to enjoy the time I did have at the Kennedy Center.

Various groups performed and taught mini classes on the outdoor stage, then it was my turn to join Doug and his other students onstage to teach the Broadway Jazz class. (see my Dancing Through DC blog for more pics/details)

It was an amazing experience to be dancing on a stage at my favorite monument in DC, where I'd seen so many other dance/music/theater performances, in front of hundreds of dance lovers. I felt humbled and extremely grateful for the privilege and honor to do so. After we got off stage, I heard that we were ahead of schedule! By about 20 minutes! Maybe there's a chance, I thought...

Then I met up with my friends and we enjoyed a few more dance performances.

I mentioned my disappointment about missing the hip hop routine and one of them offered to give me a ride in his car so I could stay longer - about 25 minutes longer! I got really excited, but also didn't want to get my hopes up. But the time came for the hip hop routine and we got to stay for the whole thing!!! I was in utter disbelief. This was the miracle I had prayed for! We danced along to the routine and it was a ton of fun to see others who had practiced the routine at home also. As soon as it ended, we hurried to the car...just as the clouds dumped a ton of rain on the whole place. As we drove back in the downpour, I was almost speechless with gratitude that the Lord had given me that tender mercy. It might seem small and petty to anyone else. But to me - His dance-loving and sometimes selfish daughter - He knew it was a BFD (big freakin' deal).

My friends Jesse and Jeremy dropped me off at Britt's house and I immediately gushed to her about my little miracle. We got to the baptism early but there were already too many people around to practice my musical number. Yet I felt a sweet peace knowing that despite all my resistance, I was where I should be at that time. I prayed that I would be able to play smoothly with no major mistakes, that the music would be uplifting and help everyone there feel the Spirit even stronger. The time came to play my piece and I made 3 mistakes, but Britt said she didn't hear it so hopefully others didn't either. I felt honored to be a part of Lisa's special day and celebrate the beginning of her beautiful new life in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. The event was very well-attended - she was surrounded by loving friends, missionaries, and church leaders.

I mentally relived my baptism, during which everything was so lovingly prepared and I felt the welcoming embrace of so many I knew and didn't know who came to celebrate my special day. I had to wait 14 months to get baptized from the time I first discovered the Church. I remembered the thing I looked forward to the most was receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost because everybody talked about the sweet peace and comfort of always having the Spirit to be with you. I already had those good feelings through the power of the Holy Ghost after I found the Church and could not imagine an even greater increase of them after receiving the permanent gift of the Holy Ghost, as long as I remained worthy to have it.

I'll end this post with a series of gratitudes:

- I'm grateful for my talents of dance and piano, and all the opportunities I've had to improve upon them and use them to serve/uplift others.

- I'm grateful for the Lord's infinite patience with me, and the Spirit's constant reminder of what my top priorities should be.

- I'm grateful for Jesse and Jeremy who decided last minute to drive even though it was more expensive and burdensome to them.

- I'm grateful Britt decided to come to the baptism with me even though she could have been doing any number of fun things.

- I'm grateful for the Lord's desire and ability to bless me in so many different ways even though my heart was hard and I did not want to serve. (1 Corinthians 2:9)

- I'm grateful for every person who knowingly and unknowingly influenced me to make the right decision.

- I'm grateful for everyone who made Lisa's special day possible and for all the non-members who came to witness such a sacred event.

- I'm grateful Lisa took the initiative to investigate the Church and the faith she exercised to join it. Only God knows how many lives Lisa's testimony will touch.

- I'm grateful that through many tender mercies, I was able to find and join this Church, through which literally every blessing of my life flows.

How Are We Even Friends?!

***This post is dedicated to all my friends who seemingly have nothing in common with me but love me anyway.***

Sometimes I'm slow in realizing things everybody else figured out years ago, but the realization ends up changing my life so I feel pretty smart anyway.

Last week, I made the incredible discovery that most of my closest friends have [almost] no common interests with me. Most of them cannot be described as a passionate "dancer, pianist, foodie, singer, American history nerd, old movie buff, and jazz lover" (see sidebar). And I am really bad at, terrified of, or not interested in kayaking, Shakespeare, wakeboarding, canyoneering, skiing, etc. We have different groups of friends. Some of them live far away and I haven't seen them in years! Sometimes we don't talk for months but when I need someone to talk to, they're right there. So what keeps us together??? I've boiled it down to these 2 things:

1) Our love of the Gospel - We view life and the world through Gospel lenses. We turn to the Gospel to solve problems. We share our insights and hard-earned lessons. We share useful scriptures/talks/quotes with each other. We pray for each other. We love the Lord and our Savior and remind each other that They love us too. We are determined to be faithful til the end and help each other to do so. I'm so grateful for friends who are spiritually as well as emotionally and socially strengthening.

2) They care - It really comes down to this. I've met so many people that I think I would get along well with due to common interests, but it feels strained or awkward because they don't really care to get to know me. The ones who become close friends simply CARE about how I'm doing and love me for who I am. They ask how I'm doing and listen intently. Even if they don't understand what I'm going through, they try and they empathize. The give me tough love and throw my own advice back in my face when I need it. They are patient with my weaknesses and insecurities. They believe in me and value our friendship.

Compatible senses of humor help too. I can't completely relax around someone unless we've shared some laughs together.

Case in point, Britt and I met just over a year ago and hit it off. She became my first real friend in DC. We bonded over being "3rd culture kids", our "permanent tourist" zest for life, and our tendency to photographically document everything we do. We were excited to have found someone to go exploring with but quickly started realizing how dramatically different we are with our tastes in music, TV shows, movies, clothes, books, politics, and more. But we got over our little crises and kept hanging out. We learned which topics to avoid haha (i.e. we didn't vote for the same person in the last presidential election). The miracle is...our friendship keeps growing! We had so much fun riding bikes on the Mount Vernon Trail and eating Thai food when we first hit it off that we did the exact same thing to commemorate our "1 Year Friend Anniversary"!

Sometimes I wonder how the heck we're even friends...and then I become flooded with gratitude that we are.

Vulnerability and Defiance

This has been a hard week. I am socially burned out. For months, I've been trying to organize social outings and inviting as many people as I can because I want to be inclusive. Most of the outings have been successful. But I'm exhausted; I need a break. As grateful as I am for the plethora of social opportunities around me, I am also overwhelmed by all the social options, pressures, and demands - and the accompanying frustrations and disappointments.

My heart is weary from guys who break girls' hearts (mine and my friends').

I just want to shut down and retreat to my room and focus on my studies, exercise, books, music and movies. I want to delete my Facebook account so my heart can stop aching from seeing all my friends get engaged/married, have babies, get their dream job, travel the world, compete in and win ballroom competitions, go to awesome concerts, etc. - things I currently cannot do. I try to remind myself to be happy for and inspired by them, instead of being jealous and feeling sorry for myself. The Lord blesses us all in different ways according to His timeline and what He knows we need to progress and be happy (1 Corinthians 2:9).

So I know I can't give in or give up. It is a constant act of will to push on and be positive, optimistic, and hopeful - almost literally pressing forward with faith (2 Nephi 31:20). I can't become a social hermit because my life purpose - To Inspire and Assist Others in Reaching Their Goals and Fulfilling Their Potential - requires social interaction! I am a people-lover at heart. I can't delete my Facebook account because it is nearly vital to my personal calling of sharing the gospel thru social media; also, it can be a wonderful tool of inspiration (to me and from me) and keeping in touch with people I care about.

The Relief Society lesson was perfect for me today. Jarilyn, 1st counselor in our Relief Society, gave a lesson based on the General Conference talk by Elder Walter Gonzalez called "Learning with Our Hearts". The discussion revolved around vulnerability and having a soft, open heart rather than a jaded, calloused one. It was exactly what I needed at the right time. Someone said being open and vulnerable does not signal weakness, but indicates strength because we intentionally expose ourselves to the risk of more pain. I even commented that I know it's a temptation to close off our hearts, but when we close ourselves off to pain, frustration, anger, disappointment, etc., we also close ourselves off to love, joy, and peace.

I don't want to stunt my own ability to love others (romantically and otherwise) for the fear of getting hurt. I don't want to live half a life just to be safe. I want to live my life to the fullest and that means feeling every feeling deeply and wholly - the bad with the good. There is opposition in all things (2 Nephi 2:27)! If I want the most delirious joy, I know I have to let myself feel the almost unbearable pain (1 Corinthians 10:13).

Today was Fast Sunday and I felt like the things I really needed to fast for are the most basic but also the most important: faith, hope, and charity (Moroni 7). All these are not only means to an end of Salvation, but also a means to PEACE (John 14:27) in our lives. Achieving peace of heart and peace of mind in my life has been an ongoing theme this year. Satan attacks us when we're weak, and we'll become weaker if we succumb to the temptation to give in. I refuse! I've worked way too hard and way too long to get here.

I know who I am (a daughter of God), my purpose in life, God's promises to me (thru my Patriarchal Blessing and personal revelation), and how much my Heavenly Father loves me and wants me to succeed (2 Timothy 1:7).

I will fight the good fight (1 Timothy 6:12). I will not let my heart fail me (D&C 88:91). I will be a good soldier (2 Timothy 2:3). I am determined to pass this trial of my faith, just like I've passed all my other ones. I am scarred and broken, but the Savior's atonement heals it all.

Get thee hence, satan (Moses 1:7). You will not keep me down.

"42" - Morals from Jackie Robinson's Biopic

If you haven't seen 42 yet, GO SEE IT.

You don't have to be a sports fan to enjoy it (I don't even know all the rules of baseball). I think it's a very poignant and entertaining movie that fans of any genre would enjoy, even more so because it is based on a true story of heroism and triumph - the story of how Jackie Robinson became the first African American major league baseball player since the 1880s (42 is his uniform number, not the year he joined). The acting and directing are superb.

42 plunges you into the uncomfortable and dark corners of American history, close enough to be within our grandparents' lifetimes. It subtly and powerfully portrays how legalized racial segregation (aka "Jim Crow" laws) permeated every aspect of every American's life, regardless of race. The whole country was swept up in a mob mentality and socialized to believe and enforce the centuries-old false truth that white is superior and black is inferior.

I'm going to try a new approach to analyzing the moral(s) of a movie. Instead of picking one major one to expound on, I'm going to give snippets of thoughts on multiple ones. There are SO many good moments and lessons worth mentioning. These are just the ones that were most touching to me:

Have the Inner Strength NOT to Fight Back

When executive Branch Rickey calls Robinson into his office to offer him a chance to play for his team(s), he squarely lays out all the persecution he will have to face as the only black man. Robinson retorts, "You mean, you want someone who doesn't have the guts to fight back?" Rickey returns with, "No! I want someone who has the guts not to fight back." The distinction is subtle but significant. The natural [weaker] man will react on impulse and likely lash out at his offenders; the [stronger] self-controlled man will not be so easily provoked but think before he acts, and therefore avoid reacting rashly. Rickey even used explicit biblical quotations, namely "turn the other cheek" (Matthew 5:39).

"He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city." (Proverbs 16:32)

I also like this quote by Elizabeth Kenny: "He who angers you conquers you."

Racism is Socialized, Not Instinctive

Bessie Delaney said, "Only little children and old folks tell the truth." In one scene, a colorblind white boy goes to a game with his father, excited to see the new star play. His eyes light up as soon as Robinson steps onto the field, but every [white] person around him heckles the player. The boy looks sad/scared/confused at first but then joins in the derision. It is a heartbreaking moment during which we see how quickly the ugliness of racism is indoctrinated into a person's mind through sheer social force. I love how this movie uses children to show that racism is a completely unnatural creation of humans; it was not given to us at birth as a divine heritage. In fact, it goes against our natural moral compass of right and wrong. As repeated throughout scripture, "God is no respecter of persons" (Acts 10:34), which means He does not favor one above another but loves us all equally as His children.

Those Who Speak the Loudest Are Not Always Right

I loved the moments in the movie when a white man, a stranger or a teammate, would quietly express his support for or publicly defend Robinson. I'm touched by the moviemakers' sensitivity to the complexity of the times. Not all whites were racists; racism was defended by those who were the most outspoken and violent about it - the low-minded mobs, the prideful policemen, the belligerent baseball fans. One of Shakespeare's acute aphorisms applies here: "The empty vessel makes the loudest sound." Many whites kept quiet because they would otherwise be persecuted as a "n***** lover" and risk their safety, as well as their family's. It's easy to ridicule them for being cowardly and passive, but what would we have done if we lived in those circumstances?? It's hard to say, but I do believe that one of the reasons legalized racism lasted so long in this country is because "all it takes for evil to succeed is for a few good men to do nothing" (Edmund Burke).

A Strong Marriage Will Get You Through Anything

One of the first things God did for Adam was give him a wife, for -

"the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him." (Genesis 2:18)

Unlike many marriages of famous men, Robinson's marriage to his wife Rachel was faithful, loyal, and true. And I couldn't find any accounts of the contrary in their real lives. She supported him through his baseball career and all the mistreatment it came with, and I'm sure he supported her as she pursued her nursing career and later taught at Yale. They had 3 children together and stayed married until his death. That's the kind of love and devotion I want in a marriage.

Hatred Only Hurts the Haters

The movie shows that the hatred that drives racisim is a poison that seeps through all areas of life. A good quote by Coretta Scott King (who confronted hatred strong enough to kill her husband, Martin Luther King, Jr.) is, "Hate is too great a burden to bear. It injures the hater more than it injures the hated." Some of the biggest persecutors of Robinson shown in the movie (played by Ryan Merriman and Alan Tudyk) saw their careers decline later on, while Robinson - the hatED - went on to great success. I think people like them put so much energy into hating others that they don't have enough to improve their own lives. Wendell Berry wrote an insightful book called The Hidden Wound (1989) to awaken white people to how much they were hurting themselves and society while persecuting and discriminating against blacks.

Change the World without Changing Yourself

This may sound completely divergent from the famous quote by Gandhi: "You must be the change you wish to see in the world." The way I interpret that is, if you want to see change happen in the world, it has to start with you. I totally agree with that, and I think this quote from 42 just takes it further. The moral here is as we gain fame (and maybe wealth and power) from the impact we have on the world, we should not let it corrupt us or taint our character. After Robinson retired from baseball in 1957, he continued to advocate for racial integration and served with the NAACP (National Association for the Advancement of Colored People). There are so many people who become narcissistic and arrogant with success, but Robinson remained the same honorable man after being a pioneer and record breaker in race relations and baseball.

Journey of 15 Career Options

Everyone remembers being asked, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Like most people, my answer changed through the years. It's interesting to think about how many careers I honestly considered - whether for days or years - and the drawbacks that outweighed my passion for that field of work. Being the listmaking and self-reflecting person I am, I thought it'd be fun to articulate all of my past career considerations...

Paleontologist
Inspiration: I got a dinosaur book for Christmas in 2nd grade (I asked for books) and was absolutely fascinated. I thought how cool it would be to study them.
Turnoffs: Dirtiness. Loneliness. As I read more, I realized that most of their time was spent either digging in some dusty desert or studying bones in a dimly lit lab. I guess I just liked the colorful illustrations and imagining what it'd be like to "meet" some of these creatures.

Dermatologist
Inspiration: I had really bad acne in junior high and studied a lot of books/magazines about how to treat it. I also experimented with alot of different treatments on my own face, including homemade facials. Proactiv has been the most effective solution I've tried and I've been using it for years. I know firsthand how much acne can inhibit a person's confidence and self-image so I wanted to help others treat their acne problems.
Turnoffs: Grossness - I borrowed a book from the library about dermatology and was immediately grossed out by all the pictures of moles, rashes, infections, etc. I realized there's alot more to dermatology than treating acne and decided I didn't want to be grossed out all day, everyday at work.

Makeup Artist
Inspiration: After I got some of my acne under control, I got into makeup books - especially by Bobbi Brown and Kevin Aucoin - and started experimenting on my face. I became intrigued by how much makeup could change one's look.
Turnoffs: Lack of intellectual stimulation. Low pay. Working with vain/superficial people. Physical strain of standing & leaning all day.

Fitness Trainer
Inspiration: I started reading Self magazine after watching Wish Upon a Star because all the popular girls in the movie read it. Haha how impressionable teenage girls are! Every issue has alot of fitness tips and moves to try. They publish a fitness challenge every summer, which I did for a couple years in junior high. I loved feeling lean and strong.
Turnoffs: Low pay. [Often] no benefits. Job instability - I'd love to get paid for working out everyday and teaching classes, but what if I got sick or injured? I couldn't deal with that kind of professional vulnerability.

Nutritionist
Inspiration: Also spurred by reading Self magazine. I restricted my calories, measured my meals, ate foods I didn't like...all that jazz. My mom is always reading up on the latest nutrition news and telling me to eat more of this or that to get a certain nutrient. I found I also liked teaching others how to take better care of their bodies.
Turnoffs: Science - I quickly realized how much of it I had to know and be good at to be a good nutritionist. I had no interest in and barely got through my science classes, so this option was out.

Movie Critic
Inspiration: I first got interested in old movies (1920s-60s) from reading Life is a Movie Starring You in 6th grade, arguably and embarrassingly the most influential book in my life except for the scriptures. I found that I really enjoyed analyzing and critiquing them.
Turnoffs: No market - as I started watching the more recent movies on the American Film Institute's top movies lists, I realized I prefer the older movies and nobody would pay me to critique old movies haha. Also, as my own moral standards were validated by joining The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints at age 18, I realized there are LOTS of violent, profane, erotic, and plain idiotic movies I shouldn't and wouldn't want to watch.

Motivational Speaker
Inspiration: As my self-esteem blossomed in my late teens from the influence of various role models and I got more comfortable being in front of an audience through joining Concert Choir in 11th grade, I thought of how fulfilling it would be to travel the country uplifting impressionable youth.
Turnoffs: Instability from excessive traveling and difficulty of raising a family, especially while the children are young.

Food Taster
Inspiration: Samantha Brown's show on the Travel Channel because my mom watched it all the time and we both envied her exciting world-trotting lifestyle sampling different foods and cultures. Also, I'm obsessed with the Food Network. I always try free food samples. I can happily spend hours in the grocery store.
Turnoffs: Aversion to raw meat and certain shellfish (clams, mussels & oysters...but I love shrimp, crab & lobster). Word of Wisdom - Mormons don't drink alcohol, coffee, or tea. I'm also a wimp when it comes to spicy foods - I'm working on that. These personal preferences & religious commandments rule out alot of dishes & cuisines!

Stage Musical Performer
Inspiration: It was also Life is a Movie Starring You that got me into old musicals. Singing, dancing, and acting looked so fun!
Turnoffs: I stink at acting - I barely passed my 8th grade drama class and never tried acting again. Financial instability. Competitiveness - I would be so physically and emotionally exhausted by a life of constant auditioning. Extensive traveling - again, difficult to raise a family.

Jazz Singer
Inspiration: I found out I could sing in high school and joined Concert Choir, then Jazz Choir. I'd love to sing my favorite jazz vocal standards on a stage, accompanied by a terrific band, and to a captive audience.
Turnoffs: Same reasons as being Stage Musical Performer. Plus I didn't know of any Asian jazz singers and wasn't sure if I'd be successful as the first one!

Professional Dancer
Inspiration: I got into ballroom dancing in 12th grade and continued full throttle at BYU. I became obsessed with the glamour and wanted to explore my own potential as a dancer.
Turnoffs: Excruciatingly long rehearsals - a requisite for any successful artist. Prone to injuries. Immodest dresses are expected. Again, extensive traveling - difficult to raise a family. Pressure to stay in fabulous shape all the time. Unsustainable - either quit after a few years to focus on raising a family or never have children or be an absent parent.

High School History Teacher
Inspiration: I adored my American history teachers. I wanted to inspire teens during their formative years to care about and even love learning about American history.
Turnoffs: Pesky intrusive parents that keep teachers from teaching what needs to be taught. Fear of not being able to reach out to and have a positive impact on wayward students. Low pay. The messy public school system. These may be short-sighted but...I didn't like how strict the class schedules were in the major because it would keep me from participating in the BYU Ballroom Dance Company. I don't regret not going into that career.

Academic Advisor
Inspiration: I had a great advisor at BYU and I found that I really enjoyed "counseling" my friends about their academic/career choices.
Turnoffs: Schedule inflexibility and overtime - usually a 9am-5pm job with extra hours on the weekends and evenings for events. Lack of opportunities to learn and grow in the humanities.

Career Counselor
Inspiration: I've had some miserable periods of job searching during which I learned the hard way what works and what doesn't. I feel like those experiences have helped me serve others by sharing my resume, cover letter, and interviewing skills. It directly correlated with my personal mission statement, which I created early in college: "To inspire and empower others in reaching their goals and fulfilling their potential."
Turnoffs: Same as being an Academic Advisor, though both may be fun side jobs.

So what the heck AM I going to be when I grow up?? Well I've been in denial for some years but as I've become more true to my interests, skills, and personality and researched the career option, I've decided to pursue as career as...

American Studies Professor!
Inspiration: American Studies was the only major at BYU that didn't have any "turnoffs" for me. I declared it my freshman year after taking American Heritage (which almost every student dreaded but I loved and later became a TA for it) and loved it wholeheartedly for these reasons:

Flexibility - except for a few general requirements, the rest of the credits were free for me to use on an enormous selection of classes across multiple departments. This meant I can arrange my schedule each semester around my dance classes (which I took an average of 3-4 each semester).

Variety - we could take America-related classes in these departments: history, English, economics, political science, music, religion, sociology, and humanities.

Personalization - I was able to only take classes in the subjects that interested me.

Turnoffs: Although American higher education is under extreme scrutiny and in a mess of a revolution in so many ways, I want to be a college professor for these reasons:

Again, Flexibility - Despite my academic and scholarly ambitions, I want to be a wife and mother more than anything. Those are 2 roles that are eternal and thus immeasurably significant. Except for a few hours on campus teaching classes and advising students, being a professor will allow me to work almost any time of the day from home, which allows for easier coordination of family time.

Authenticity - True to our generation's philosophy to "Do what you love, the money will follow", I've been exploring what I naturally love to do and can get people to pay me for. So during idle times, (besides dancing, trying new foods, going to concerts, playing piano, etc.) I've observed that I naturally like to read/learn, chew over ideas, come up with my own opinions/insights, and discuss and share it with others through stimulating intellectual conversations or writing about it and receiving feedback. Basically, I like to read, think, write, teach, and talk about interesting ideas. As I did more career research and talked to professors, I realize this is what they do all day! Joyous me!

So there you have it. I'm barely at the beginning of this career path; my first class in the American Studies Masters program at George Washington University starts in a week! The road will be long and hard but fulfilling and hopefully ultimately profitable. I'm not afraid of hard work, I'm afraid of boredom. I don't seek for fancy titles and a huge paycheck, I seek time to raise a happy, healthy, righteous family in the gospel and the opportunity to fulfill my life's purpose.

***UPDATE*** (February 7, 2015)
As sure as I was about being an American Studies professor in 2013, I realized after 2 semesters that I really don't like research, especially lonesome archival research. What I really craved was personal interactions and helping people "reach their goals and fulfill their potential" by talking to them. So I applied to counselor graduate programs and decided on the Ed.M. in Psychological Counseling at Teachers College, Columbia University. It is an extremely challenging program where self-reflection and self-disclosure is a huge part of the curriculum; we are asked to be vulnerable and aware of our own values, beliefs, and biases so we may become more effective counselors.

I think I still want to be a college career counselor but my degree will prepare me to counsel in many other settings. I'm grateful to be in a career path that aligns perfectly with my personal mission statement, my natural instincts and strengths, and even baptismal covenant (Mosiah 18:8-10)! This career requires a lot of training and continual education, and I don't know how I will reconcile these demands with a full healthy marriage and family life but I trust God will help me fulfill my righteous desires in His timing.

What about all my other passions mentioned above? I have found that I'm able to satisfy those interests on the side. I still immerse myself in American Studies through books, articles, podcasts, movies, lectures, museums, etc. I continue to progress in singing, playing piano, and dancing through concerts, classes, social dancing, teaching, and any performance opportunity I can find. I strive to stay fit, eat nutritiously, take good care of my skin (FYI Proactiv no longer works, I've switched to Exposed Skincare). I'm so grateful for a full abundant life (John 10:10).

***UPDATE*** (August 8, 2016)
I graduated with my M.A. in Mental Health Counseling in May and in one week from today, I will finally and officially be a full-time professional Career Counselor at Columbia University!! This is happening on the 5 year anniversary of Launched by Linda, my freelance side gig editing resumes/cover letters/college essays. I started it as soon as I graduated BYU in August 2011 to gain experience and skills towards becoming a career counselor. It's finally happening!!! Dreams come true. Hard work pays off. God is good.

***UPDATE*** (September 4, 2018)
In August 2017, I left my job at Columbia to try being an Academic Advisor. I found it was not a good fit for multiple reasons and I started searching for career counseling jobs after just 6 months. After 19 applications and 16 interviews all over the country, I finally accepted an offer as a Career Director in the Liberal Arts! I'm thrilled to be back in career services where I can best utilize my strengths and explore my interests, and help others do the same. I can't imagine a more fulfilling job in the workplace.

"The Croods" - Thriving, Not Just Surviving

I got to watch The Croods last week.

There were several worthy morals to write about, such as family duty & loyalty despite craziness, heading towards the light (truth or hope), adapting to changing environments...but I'm going to focus on the quote by Eep, the rebellious teenage female protagonist - "That's not living, that's just not dying!"

Eep is part of a humorously dysfunctional cavemen family led by an extremely overprotective patriarch, Grug. All the other cave families have died off in the hostile environment and Grug constantly struggles to protect, preside over, and provide for his family (see "The Family: A Proclamation to the World") by teaching them to "Never not be afraid" (because fear of danger keeps them alive) and telling them didactic bedtime stories to show the deadly effects of curiosity. Restless Eep sneaks out one night and meets Guy, a lone teen nomad who tells her the world is ending and they must move towards the sun. Soon, Eep introduces him to her family, who come to depend on his innovative ideas to survive as their world is literally crumbling around them (major tectonic shifts are rocking their world, and not in a good way).

Eep's powerful quote comes at a crucial point when everyone sees the necessity of following Guy to go into the unknown, but Grug is pridefully staying put and clinging to his life philosophies, which are now life-threatening. Eep confronts her father and basically says she wants more in life than to just survive hiding in a cave, she wants to explore and enjoy it.

This is a powerful concept to me, and I have been thinking about it alot. I think because I started out as a rather shy and quiet child, I've always been inspired by quotes that push me to challenge myself in order to achieve something greater:

~ "I'd rather regret the things I have done than the things I have not." (Lucille Ball)
~ "A ship in harbour is safe, but that is not what ships are built for." (William Shedd)
~ "You must do the things you think you cannot do." (Eleanor Roosevelt)
~ "Life begins at the end of your comfort zone." (Neale Donald Walsch)
~ "Happy" (song by Leona Lewis)

Like Eep, I want to thrive, not just survive. I have many native DC coworkers who never ventured out to explore the wondrous opportunities around them - so sad. That's why I named my blog "DC to the Fullest". I'm not just here to work, eat, sleep, study, and go to church (though those are all necessary and good things). I want to live as an "permanent tourist", always seeking out new eye-opening and mind-broadening experiences that challenge and inspire me. I want to continually push out of my comfort zone until it grows to cover areas that previously daunted me.

Our beloved prophet Thomas S. Monson shared a wonderful message called "Living the Abundant Life" at the beginning of 2012. My favorite part was -

"Don’t limit yourself and don’t let others convince you that you are limited in what you can do. Believe in yourself and then live so as to reach your possibilities. You can achieve what you believe you can. Trust and believe and have faith."

In every major period of my life, I've strived to streeetch myself. It hasn't been easy, but I love looking back at my progress...

High School
~ Realized I could sing, joined choir, sang solos in front of large audiences.
~ Discovered The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, fought to join it despite parental disapproval, baptized on my 18th birthday - best decision of my life.
~ Parents wanted me to go to in-state college, went to Mormon college (BYU) in Utah instead, grew a ton and loved it.
~ Realized I could dance, fought to join the Pacific Ballroom Dance Company, danced in front of large audiences, gained whole new level of self-confidence.
~ Classically trained in piano for 5 years, teacher started to groom me for classical competitions, chose to play jazz/blues/ragtime/show tunes instead.

College
~ Forced myself to take leadership opportunities, mentored freshmen, took a public speaking class, taught American Heritage classes, led volunteer groups, vastly improved leadership skills.
~ Took Chinese classes, humbled by more fluent white classmates, worked extra hard to keep up.
~ Auditioned for BYU Ballroom Dance Company, failed, auditioned again - made it, helped prepare others.
~ Started dancing competitively, tried to dance Smooth/Standard gracefully and effortlessly, struggled to dance Latin seductively & flirtatiously, often looked & felt ridiculous, moved up on team, helped teach others.
~ Sang/danced/played piano at church talent shows, sang at "BYU Idol" - sucked, practiced more and kept performing anyway.
~ Confessed to a few crushes, rejected, learned lessons, moved on. (repeat during Post Grad)

Post Grad
~ Waited out unemployment for the ideal job, got good job, built up savings.
~ Felt educationally/ professionally/ romantically/ culturally stunted in Utah, quit good job, got temp job in DC, depleted savings to move there, got well-paying job with enormous benefits (including tuition), built up savings two-fold.
~ Applied for masters program at GW, hated masters program, applied to dream masters program also at GW, withdrew mid-semester from miserable grad program, accepted into dream program.
~ Moved into cozy condo in Utah with my own room, moved to DC for a shared room at twice the rent$.
~ Dad gave me a car, enjoyed it for 1.5 years, gave up car when moving to DC, now dependent on metro & friends for rides, humbled by the generous service of others.
~ Continued to compete ballroom in Utah after graduation, left ballroom heaven for DC, had major dance withdrawals (see blog post), tempted to move back, forced myself to take new dance/pilates/yoga classes, improved as a dancer.
~ Left deep friendships in Utah, made lots of good friends in DC, fooled most people as an extrovert (see blog post).

Besides the fact that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is TRUE, I love it because growth and progression are central to the doctrine. The refining process is rarely comfortable, because we are mortal and fallen (2 Nephi 2:22-25) but striving to become immortal and exalted (D&C 14:7). We can't merely sit around and avoid sin, we must also enter into sacred covenants to go out into the world to serve our fellow men (Mosiah 18:8-10), share the gospel, marry (Genesis 2:24) and raise up righteous children (Mosiah 4:14-15), and be an example of the believers (1 Timothy 4:12).

I love the principle of not only avoiding Sins of Commission (committing acts we shouldn't do), but also Sins of Omission (omitting acts we should do). We should NOT kill, steal, lie, cheat, or commit adultery. But we must ALSO serve, love, forgive, pray, study, and pay tithing. Among other things.

People without the Gospel can still be good and generally happy. But I testify - from firsthand experience and observations of many others' lives - that sacrificing worldly habits, building upon the goodness we already have, and adhering to the principles of the Gospel elevates one's life to unforeseen heights. The hope and purpose of Jesus Christ's life was to redeem and enhance our lives -

"I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly." (John 10:10)

The Gospel of Jesus Christ allows us to THRIVE, not just survive.

"Oz the Great and Powerful" - Goodness over Greatness

A few friends and I went to see Oz the Great and Powerful this weekend because it looked like a very "green" movie for St. Patrick's Day -

It was, and the colors were brilliant. There were mixed reviews amongst the group...but I LOVED it! I'd been waiting for a movie that inspired me enough to blog about, and here it is! (Wreck It Ralph had a good moral or two but I didn't feel it was substantial enough to blog about. Les Miserables (2012) changed my life but I don't feel I can add anything to the tons of articles/blogs already written about it.) This movie was perfect fodder for my ravenous humanities-trained, analytically-driven mind...expressed in this blog.

In the black & white beginning, Annie (one of Oz's - aka Oscar Diggs - old flames, played by Michelle Williams) comes to his carnival wagon to tell him she has a marriage proposal (which she has put off deciding) to give Oz one last chance to propose to her. Oz gently tells her to marry John Gale, who is a "good" man like his own father but he wants to be more than that; he wants to be "great", which implies fame and fortune supposedly attainable thru his current profession as a carnival show wizard/magician.

Their tender moment is abruptly ended by a furious weightlighter who chases Oz into a hot air balloon. Oz cuts it loose from his predator only to get caught in a tornado, in which he realizes he may die and is not ready to meet his Maker, so he prays for a 2nd chance at life to change for the better. He lands in the land of Oz and everyone thinks he's the prophesied wizard that will come to save them from the Wicked Witch, who's been wrecking havoc (there are vague references to Jesus Christ throughout). He plays along so he can become king of Oz and inherit all the gold. He reveals his fraud only to his new sidekick flying monkey, Finney, although the Wicked Witch and the Good Witch are suspicious about his wizardry powers. The big difference is the Wicked Witch wants to kill Oz and take over the kingdom while the Good Witch (also played by Michelle Williams) sees beyond his fake "greatness" to encourage his inner "goodness" in order to save her people.

After using science inspired by his role model, Thomas Alva Edison, and some theatrical illusions of his trade, Oz manages to scare the Wicked Witches away and take over as king of Oz. The Good Witch tells him she knew he had it within him all along, and Oz has finally proven himself to himself that he can have a huge [positive] impact.

I love this movie for 2 main principles it illustrates:

1) REPENTANCE - I see everything thru gospel eyes, and Oz demonstrates repentance. Oz was a liar and a conman most of his adult life who was selfish, egotistical, and used people (like his loyal, mistreated assistant) for his own gain. He cared more about swimming in mounds of gold and sitting on the throne with his crown and scepter than saving the innocent people of Oz from the destruction and tyranny of a ruthless evil Witch. He didn't have respect for himself and didn't think he could change, but he made a complete turnaround because others believed in and supported him. Oz became a benevolent king who loved his people and assumed the serious stewardship over them.

President Thomas S. Monson gave a talk in the October 2012 General Conference called "See Others as They May Become" about the glorious things people can accomplish if they have someone who sees their true identity as children of God and encourages them to reach their divine potential.

"We need to be told that we amount to something, that we are capable and worthwhile. We need to be given a chance to serve...We need to bear in mind that people can change. They can put behind them bad habits. They can repent from transgressions...And they can serve the Lord diligently...we have the responsibility to see individuals not as they are but rather as they can become."

This talk was directed to the brethren about missionary work - converting nonmembers and reactivating wayward members - but I think it applies broadly to all of us, LDS or not.

I love the way the For the Strength of Youth pamphlet describes repentance:

"The Savior suffered for our sins and gave His life for us...Through the Atonement, you can receive forgiveness and be cleansed from your sins when you repent. Repentance is...a change of mind and heart. It includes turning away from sin and turning to God for forgiveness. It is motivated by love for God and the sincere desire to obey His commandments. Satan wants you to think that you cannot repent, but that is absolutely not true. The Savior has promised you forgiveness if you will humble yourself and make the effort that repentance requires." (emphasis added)

It's not a perfect analogy, but Oz reminded me of the beauty of repentance through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.

2) GOODNESS vs. GREATNESS - Oz thought "greatness" (fame, wealth, and power) was more desirable than "goodness" (honesty, charity, loyalty, integrity, humility, etc.). But as he became the reluctant hero of the China Girl, the Good Witch, and her people, he realized he doesn't need to be a "great" magical wizard to save them, just a "good" man who brings out the best in them as they work towards a common cause. He became the leader they needed and wanted because they saw the potential within him. And finally, Oz realizes the "goodness" of his heart will bring more fulfillment and joy than the "greatness" he sought.

Those who seek "greatness" are driven by pride, as President Ezra Taft Benson explains in his famous "Beware of Pride" address -

"For they loved the praise of men more than the praise of God." (John 12:43)

But God is ultimately the only being we need to please. And He knows better than anyone what our true, full potential is - it is glorious beyond description. It is much more important - essential, in fact - to develop "goodness" inwardly than to exude "greatness" outwardly. For -

"The Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart." (1 Samuel 16:7)

And if we prioritize and seek the "good", we will ultimately gain that which is "great"

"If thou wilt do good, yea, and hold out faithful to the end, thou shalt be saved in the kingdom of God, which is the greatest of all the gifts of God; for there is no gift greater than the gift of salvation." (D&C 6:13, emphasis added)

Christ doesn't just ask us to be good (Moroni 7 - search "good"), He asks us to be perfect (Matthew 5:48). But He doesn't expect us to obtain perfection instantly or permanently, much less in this life because even the Son of God had to grow into His full potential (D&C 93:11-13).

We can all develop this "goodness" -

"We become what we want to be by consistently being what we want to become each day." (Richard G. Scott, "The Transforming Power of Faith and Character")

Go see this movie. It is good.

Confessions of a Former Competitive Ballroom Dancer

I knew this time would come - the first National Amateur DanceSport Championships (big freakin' deal ballroom dance competition held at BYU every March) that I'm NOT competing in in 6 years. I knew when I competed in the Novice (samba/rumba) and Prechamp (samba/rumba/cha cha) International Latin categories in 2012 that it would likely be my last time because I was preparing to uproot my life in Provo, Utah and embark on a life-altering adventure in Washington, D.C.

Still, 6 years is a long time in a young person's life. I spent alot of time practicing and preparing for this event every year for the last quarter (1/4) of my life! I've competed in (for class and individually) waltz, foxtrot, quickstep, tango, paso doble, mambo, triple swing, West Coast swing, cha cha, rumba, samba, and bolero. I've also danced polka, hustle, and salsa; and performed Viennese Waltz, jive, and Lindy Hop. And now all of a sudden, I'm thousands of miles away...pining to be a part of the glamour, the talent, the beauty, and the inspiration again. The most I can get this year is thru snippets of videos and pics on Facebook from my friends who are still in the thick of it, or nearing the end of it and will soon be mourning with me. I knew I would be grateful for the hundreds of videos & pictures I painstakingly captured to record my whole journey.

Dancesport is only one part of the ballroom world I was immersed in at BYU. I took 27 credits of ballroom classes (and more of other kinds of dance) over my 5.5 years, TA'd 3 dance classes, performed on a team (there were 5 teams) for 7.5 semesters - including 3 company concerts and 3 Homecoming parades, and competed in 11 Dancesports (BYU and Nationals). I spent thousands of dollars on lessons, dress rentals, hair updos & stuff, shoes, jewelry, makeup, and competition fees. I spent hundreds of hours rehearsing, doing my hair & makeup, traveling to/from performances & competitions, and actually performing/competing. I had dozens of dance partners, made many acquaintances, and kept a few lifetime friends. This is all not to boast, but to reminisce. And also, in a way, to mourn.

Granted, I was never super good. I wasn't willing to pay the price to get to tour team, though I would have loved to be on it. I valued my education too much. American Studies was my major (I have aspirations to be a professor); Ballroom Dance was my minor. The numbers above seem minuscule compared to what some of my peers were willing to sacrifice to be a top ballroom dancer. Some have gone "pro" - meaning they make a living of rehearsing, competing, traveling, teaching, and performing. That sounds like a blast, but I also need more stability and a profession that allows me to indulge in my nerdy scholarly side (reading, writing, teaching). I often admire and envy my dance peers who go on to be super successful, but I have to remind myself that it was my CHOICE to leave the BYU world of ballroom I cherish.

I actually quit team 3 times. I got tired of the fakeness (love the glamour, hate the fake tans & nails), the drama and politics (it often seemed unfair why some people advanced in team and some didn't), the alienation (ballroom can get cutthroat; friendships can be superficial and temporary) the huge time commitment (hours spent preparing for a 4 minute routine performed a only couple times at the expense of sleep, homework, & friends), and the money sinkhole ("How are these $100's in lessons & dresses going to help my education, career, and future family?"). But I kept coming back to take classes, perform, and teach, because I realized there are parts of ballroom I crave in my life like I crave good jazz music or a warm embrace. I've written about it in many other posts, this insatiable yearning to move my body to music: "Why I Love Social Dancing", "Why I Dance" (2009), "Why I Dance" (2012).

But in the last year, I've come to the painful realization that I can never go back to that phase of my life at BYU when ballroom was so accessible, affordable, and all-consuming (see "Changes Not So Small" post). I HAVE to move on.

I'm grateful for the 7 years during which I was able to access so many opportunities to actively improve my ballroom skills. To add value to them, here's a list of what I've gained:

- ability to accept & apply constructive criticism to improve
- mind/body coordination - thus better self-discipline & self-control
- analogies of what a good marriage relationship should be like
- better time management skills
- learning how to sacrifice many things for a strongly desired goal
- confidence, poise & grace
- teamwork, with partners and team members
- learning to endure thru pain and exhaustion
- overcoming shyness and stage fright
- performance psychology
- deeper appreciation and respect for our bodies
- better understanding of our body mechanics (balance, weight distribution, flexibility, etc.)
- makeup & hair skills
- good sportsmanship & learning to be happy for - not jealous of - others
- controlling emotions & coping with disappointment
- maintaining humility with achievements
- inspiration to strive for excellence
- constantly pushing myself outside of my comfort zone
- exposure to and love for a wider variety of music
- better understanding of other cultures & time periods
- dance skills in 23 dances to teach and share with others

Ballroom dance was also one of the ways God brought me to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, along with gymnastics and choir. I met people through all these avenues who happened to be Mormon! Through their bright examples and warm fellowshipping, I was attracted to the Church and came to embrace the light of the Gospel of Jesus Christ for myself. Ballroom dance was a key part of my conversion story, as well as my BYU experience.

I never liked competing, but I ADORE performing and social dancing. I will probably not compete again, I will seize any opportunity to perform (i.e. church talent shows), and I will go social dancing as long as I can walk. My dance teachers tell me I will be surprised by the future occasions in which I will be called upon to use my dance skills. I'm looking forward to those; I love teaching.

Until then, I am trying to continue to challenge my body with new dance forms & genres. I get my regular "fix" through salsa dancing (because it's the most accessible), and occasionally some country, swing, and social ballroom (I prefer partner dances). I'm trying to stay in shape with pilates, weights, and ballet conditioning...because I want to always retain my "Dancer" identity by looking and feeling like a dancer (graceful, toned, strong, flexible). I am SO GRATEFUL for my body and what it can do if I push myself.

Basically, I'm trying to come to peace about the end of my ballroom career - not quite completely there yet. I don't ever want to forget that significant chapter of my life. But there is growth ahead. There is dancing in heaven! (there HAS to be - D&C 136:28) I may not be a ballroom dancer again in this life, but I will always be a dancer.