Confessions of a Former Competitive Ballroom Dancer

I knew this time would come - the first National Amateur DanceSport Championships (big freakin' deal ballroom dance competition held at BYU every March) that I'm NOT competing in in 6 years. I knew when I competed in the Novice (samba/rumba) and Prechamp (samba/rumba/cha cha) International Latin categories in 2012 that it would likely be my last time because I was preparing to uproot my life in Provo, Utah and embark on a life-altering adventure in Washington, D.C.

Still, 6 years is a long time in a young person's life. I spent alot of time practicing and preparing for this event every year for the last quarter (1/4) of my life! I've competed in (for class and individually) waltz, foxtrot, quickstep, tango, paso doble, mambo, triple swing, West Coast swing, cha cha, rumba, samba, and bolero. I've also danced polka, hustle, and salsa; and performed Viennese Waltz, jive, and Lindy Hop. And now all of a sudden, I'm thousands of miles away...pining to be a part of the glamour, the talent, the beauty, and the inspiration again. The most I can get this year is thru snippets of videos and pics on Facebook from my friends who are still in the thick of it, or nearing the end of it and will soon be mourning with me. I knew I would be grateful for the hundreds of videos & pictures I painstakingly captured to record my whole journey.

Dancesport is only one part of the ballroom world I was immersed in at BYU. I took 27 credits of ballroom classes (and more of other kinds of dance) over my 5.5 years, TA'd 3 dance classes, performed on a team (there were 5 teams) for 7.5 semesters - including 3 company concerts and 3 Homecoming parades, and competed in 11 Dancesports (BYU and Nationals). I spent thousands of dollars on lessons, dress rentals, hair updos & stuff, shoes, jewelry, makeup, and competition fees. I spent hundreds of hours rehearsing, doing my hair & makeup, traveling to/from performances & competitions, and actually performing/competing. I had dozens of dance partners, made many acquaintances, and kept a few lifetime friends. This is all not to boast, but to reminisce. And also, in a way, to mourn.

Granted, I was never super good. I wasn't willing to pay the price to get to tour team, though I would have loved to be on it. I valued my education too much. American Studies was my major (I have aspirations to be a professor); Ballroom Dance was my minor. The numbers above seem minuscule compared to what some of my peers were willing to sacrifice to be a top ballroom dancer. Some have gone "pro" - meaning they make a living of rehearsing, competing, traveling, teaching, and performing. That sounds like a blast, but I also need more stability and a profession that allows me to indulge in my nerdy scholarly side (reading, writing, teaching). I often admire and envy my dance peers who go on to be super successful, but I have to remind myself that it was my CHOICE to leave the BYU world of ballroom I cherish.

I actually quit team 3 times. I got tired of the fakeness (love the glamour, hate the fake tans & nails), the drama and politics (it often seemed unfair why some people advanced in team and some didn't), the alienation (ballroom can get cutthroat; friendships can be superficial and temporary) the huge time commitment (hours spent preparing for a 4 minute routine performed a only couple times at the expense of sleep, homework, & friends), and the money sinkhole ("How are these $100's in lessons & dresses going to help my education, career, and future family?"). But I kept coming back to take classes, perform, and teach, because I realized there are parts of ballroom I crave in my life like I crave good jazz music or a warm embrace. I've written about it in many other posts, this insatiable yearning to move my body to music: "Why I Love Social Dancing", "Why I Dance" (2009), "Why I Dance" (2012).

But in the last year, I've come to the painful realization that I can never go back to that phase of my life at BYU when ballroom was so accessible, affordable, and all-consuming (see "Changes Not So Small" post). I HAVE to move on.

I'm grateful for the 7 years during which I was able to access so many opportunities to actively improve my ballroom skills. To add value to them, here's a list of what I've gained:

- ability to accept & apply constructive criticism to improve
- mind/body coordination - thus better self-discipline & self-control
- analogies of what a good marriage relationship should be like
- better time management skills
- learning how to sacrifice many things for a strongly desired goal
- confidence, poise & grace
- teamwork, with partners and team members
- learning to endure thru pain and exhaustion
- overcoming shyness and stage fright
- performance psychology
- deeper appreciation and respect for our bodies
- better understanding of our body mechanics (balance, weight distribution, flexibility, etc.)
- makeup & hair skills
- good sportsmanship & learning to be happy for - not jealous of - others
- controlling emotions & coping with disappointment
- maintaining humility with achievements
- inspiration to strive for excellence
- constantly pushing myself outside of my comfort zone
- exposure to and love for a wider variety of music
- better understanding of other cultures & time periods
- dance skills in 23 dances to teach and share with others

Ballroom dance was also one of the ways God brought me to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, along with gymnastics and choir. I met people through all these avenues who happened to be Mormon! Through their bright examples and warm fellowshipping, I was attracted to the Church and came to embrace the light of the Gospel of Jesus Christ for myself. Ballroom dance was a key part of my conversion story, as well as my BYU experience.

I never liked competing, but I ADORE performing and social dancing. I will probably not compete again, I will seize any opportunity to perform (i.e. church talent shows), and I will go social dancing as long as I can walk. My dance teachers tell me I will be surprised by the future occasions in which I will be called upon to use my dance skills. I'm looking forward to those; I love teaching.

Until then, I am trying to continue to challenge my body with new dance forms & genres. I get my regular "fix" through salsa dancing (because it's the most accessible), and occasionally some country, swing, and social ballroom (I prefer partner dances). I'm trying to stay in shape with pilates, weights, and ballet conditioning...because I want to always retain my "Dancer" identity by looking and feeling like a dancer (graceful, toned, strong, flexible). I am SO GRATEFUL for my body and what it can do if I push myself.

Basically, I'm trying to come to peace about the end of my ballroom career - not quite completely there yet. I don't ever want to forget that significant chapter of my life. But there is growth ahead. There is dancing in heaven! (there HAS to be - D&C 136:28) I may not be a ballroom dancer again in this life, but I will always be a dancer.