Vulnerability and Defiance

This has been a hard week. I am socially burned out. For months, I've been trying to organize social outings and inviting as many people as I can because I want to be inclusive. Most of the outings have been successful. But I'm exhausted; I need a break. As grateful as I am for the plethora of social opportunities around me, I am also overwhelmed by all the social options, pressures, and demands - and the accompanying frustrations and disappointments.

My heart is weary from guys who break girls' hearts (mine and my friends').

I just want to shut down and retreat to my room and focus on my studies, exercise, books, music and movies. I want to delete my Facebook account so my heart can stop aching from seeing all my friends get engaged/married, have babies, get their dream job, travel the world, compete in and win ballroom competitions, go to awesome concerts, etc. - things I currently cannot do. I try to remind myself to be happy for and inspired by them, instead of being jealous and feeling sorry for myself. The Lord blesses us all in different ways according to His timeline and what He knows we need to progress and be happy (1 Corinthians 2:9).

So I know I can't give in or give up. It is a constant act of will to push on and be positive, optimistic, and hopeful - almost literally pressing forward with faith (2 Nephi 31:20). I can't become a social hermit because my life purpose - To Inspire and Assist Others in Reaching Their Goals and Fulfilling Their Potential - requires social interaction! I am a people-lover at heart. I can't delete my Facebook account because it is nearly vital to my personal calling of sharing the gospel thru social media; also, it can be a wonderful tool of inspiration (to me and from me) and keeping in touch with people I care about.

The Relief Society lesson was perfect for me today. Jarilyn, 1st counselor in our Relief Society, gave a lesson based on the General Conference talk by Elder Walter Gonzalez called "Learning with Our Hearts". The discussion revolved around vulnerability and having a soft, open heart rather than a jaded, calloused one. It was exactly what I needed at the right time. Someone said being open and vulnerable does not signal weakness, but indicates strength because we intentionally expose ourselves to the risk of more pain. I even commented that I know it's a temptation to close off our hearts, but when we close ourselves off to pain, frustration, anger, disappointment, etc., we also close ourselves off to love, joy, and peace.

I don't want to stunt my own ability to love others (romantically and otherwise) for the fear of getting hurt. I don't want to live half a life just to be safe. I want to live my life to the fullest and that means feeling every feeling deeply and wholly - the bad with the good. There is opposition in all things (2 Nephi 2:27)! If I want the most delirious joy, I know I have to let myself feel the almost unbearable pain (1 Corinthians 10:13).

Today was Fast Sunday and I felt like the things I really needed to fast for are the most basic but also the most important: faith, hope, and charity (Moroni 7). All these are not only means to an end of Salvation, but also a means to PEACE (John 14:27) in our lives. Achieving peace of heart and peace of mind in my life has been an ongoing theme this year. Satan attacks us when we're weak, and we'll become weaker if we succumb to the temptation to give in. I refuse! I've worked way too hard and way too long to get here.

I know who I am (a daughter of God), my purpose in life, God's promises to me (thru my Patriarchal Blessing and personal revelation), and how much my Heavenly Father loves me and wants me to succeed (2 Timothy 1:7).

I will fight the good fight (1 Timothy 6:12). I will not let my heart fail me (D&C 88:91). I will be a good soldier (2 Timothy 2:3). I am determined to pass this trial of my faith, just like I've passed all my other ones. I am scarred and broken, but the Savior's atonement heals it all.

Get thee hence, satan (Moses 1:7). You will not keep me down.