Breaking Up, not Breaking Down

After a week-long break, I ended a relationship with a boy. We came back together and found we had reached the same conclusion that our differences were bigger than our similarities, and it would not work. I feel at peace, which is the sign of a good decision. I don't regret any of the time I spent in any of my dating relationships even though none of them have turned out as I hoped (obviously - my left ring finger is still bare and my last name hasn't changed!), but I don't think any experience is wasted. I learned more about relationships and about myself, and improved in some ways...and I hope he could say the same. Heavenly Father allows us to have this earthly life to gain a body and experiences that we may progress. He's promised that -

"all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good" (D&C 122:7)

And I have witnessed numerous times that -

"all things work together for good to them that love God" (Romans 8:28 - my favorite scripture)

I love God and I know he does too. So I thank God for giving me the experience of dating this boy and share the MORALS OF THE STORY with you :)

Honesty is a virtue - Sometimes, it is easier to be honest with other people than with ourselves (aka blind spots). And I am ashamed - but mostly frustrated - to admit that if lying [to ourselves] is a sin, I was guilty. Interestingly, I noticed most of our major differences early on, some even before we started dating, but I pushed them aside to try to be open-minded and accepting because I wanted so much for it to work. And it did for a while and we were happy, but then I noticed a gnawing uneasiness that I now know comes from being disingenuous with myself - my standards, my principles, my goals. One of satan's tricks is to push us to extremes; that's why temperance is a [often underappreciated] value. In an effort to not be overly judgmental or picky, I had over-corrected and tolerated things that made me feel uneasy.

A friend reminded me that we are not told not to judge, but to judge righteously. We all have the light of Christ within us (aka our conscience, the angel/devil on our shoulders, our 6th sense, our gut feeling, our intuition, etc.) that warns us when something feels...off.

"For behold, the Spirit of Christ is given to every man...ye know the light by which ye may judge, which light is the light of Christ, see that ye do not judge wrongfully...search diligently in the light of Christ." (Moroni 7:16, 18-19)

So when I was finally open and honest with myself (isn't it crazy how satan can make us deceive even ourselves) and judged the situation, I knew this relationship could not progress. I realized that I needed to be true to my emotions and not suppress them. I needed to let the things that bother me bother me, and then honestly assess if they are deal breakers or not. And if they are deal breakers that are not likely to change, they will only escalate and cause misery ahead. Finally being true to myself and my emotions was like a breath of fresh air. Once I was able to be honest with myself, I was able to be open and honest with him.

The truth shall set you free.

Agency is a true eternal principle - You know when you ask God a question, and you think you get an answer, but then you're not sure if it's from Him or just your wishful thinking? Yea I've had my share of those. I think I may have misinterpreted my answers fatalistically. It's not that I didn't choose to be with him, but when things started going wrong, I felt like I was forced to make it work even though it was so hard and tiring. But then a friend reminded me that we should never feel forced in a [healthy] relationship. We should feel happiness above all else. And I remembered that agency (the freedom to choose) is a free gift from God, and He will never take it away from us (even when it pains Him to see His children use it unrighteously).

"Satan rebelled against me, and sought to destroy the agency of man, which I, the Lord God, had given him" (Moses 4:3)

Deciding who to marry is the most important decision of our entire lives; using agency is not only allowed but encouraged - so we can be accountable for and hopefully rejoice in our decision. This is not my opinion, this is prophetic counsel -

"This will be the most important decision of your life, the individual whom you marry...Choose a companion you can always honor, you can always respect, one who will complement you in your own life, one to whom you can give your entire heart, your entire love, your entire allegiance, your entire loyalty...make this most important decision, one guided by prayer as well as instinct." ("Life's Obligations" by Gordon B. Hinckley)

"Marriage is perhaps the most vital of all the decisions and has the most far reaching effects, for it has to do not only with immediate happiness, but also with eternal joy. It affects not only the two people involved, but also their families and particularly their children and their children’s children down through the many generations. In selecting a companion for life and for eternity, certainly the most careful planning, thinking, praying and fasting should be done to be sure that of all decisions, this one must not be wrong. In true marriage, there must be a union of minds as well as of emotions." ("Oneness in Marriage" by Spencer W. Kimball)

That can sound like a daunting decision, but for which I am excited. Surely, in such a monumental decision, the Lord would want us to exercise our gift of agency.

"Love is not finding someone to live with. It's finding someone you can't live without." ~Rafael Ortiz

"Love is friendship set on fire" ~Jeremy Taylor

I really like and believe in these quotes, and will keep them at the forefront of my mind as I continue searching for the person I can't live without. I have alot of good friends, but I'm excited to get sealed to the one with which that friendship is set ablaze.

I am especially grateful for my innate optimism during trials like these. The breakup was calm and full of mutual respect. I wish him the best and I hope we both find eternal companions who are more complementary for us. The future is as bright as our faith.

Prayer for the President

I was devastated when I found out the presidential election results this morning, so I started praying. As I searched for the words and phrases to express my desires for America, I realized that I would be saying this exact same prayer if Mitt Romney had won. We ultimately all want the same things, right?

1) A stable, prosperous economy
2) Good jobs
3) High quality and affordable education
4) Peace at home and abroad
5) Access to affordable health care
6) Secure retirement
7) Affordable fuel and healthy food

I don't think Barack Obama is a bad/evil man. I think Obama and Romney are both good men with very good intentions who come from very different backgrounds and have divergent perspectives and strategies for repairing America. Even though I think Romney would have done a better job leading our country, we need to unite in supporting the Obama Administration in building a stronger America.

No matter who sits in the White House as the president of our country, my prayer will always be:

Dear God,

Please bless the president to turn to Thee for guidance and inspiration. Please bless him to be humble that he may be strong (Ether 12:27). Please bless him with a clear mind to make the decisions that will be most beneficial to our country as a whole. Please bless him to be honest with himself and fellow men regarding what works and what doesn't. Please bless him to be a quick learner and observer of every situation. Please bless him with a strong conscience and the desire to please Thee before pleasing the world (D&C 3:7).

Please bless the president with good health and safety. Please help him to know how to handle his stress and take out his frustration in healthy ways. Please continue to bless him with a loving helpmate (Genesis 2:18) and family who can uplift him when he's discouraged and warm his heart when other "men's hearts shall fail them" (D&C 45:26). Please bless him with true friends he can trust and rely on (D&C 121:9).

Please bless the president to be discerning when appointing people to work for him (1 Kings 3:9). Please help him to surround himself with honest, benevolent, hardworking people who are dedicated to helping America be the best it can be. Please bless the president and everyone who works with and for him with clean hands and pure hearts (Psalms 24:4-5). Please help them be inspired and influenced by the Holy Ghost that they may "know the truth of all things" (Moroni 10:5)

And if "the time comes that the voice of the people doth choose iniquity" (Mosiah 29:27), please hear "the prayers of the righteous" (Alma 10:22-23), please preserve our country and "spare it a little longer" (Jacob 5:50-51). Nevertheless, "thy will be done" (Matthew 26:42).

In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Like Mitt Romney, I am a Mormon, which means:

"We believe in being subject to...presidents...in obeying, honoring, and sustaining the law...We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul—We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things." (Articles of Faith 1:12-13)

God Bless America

Dance-Enhanced Body Awareness

I always knew I had shorter than average legs because my pants were always too long. But it wasn’t until I started dancing seriously in college that I was made aware again and again that I have a longer than average torso. It’s been interesting to hear people’s mixed responses when I mention it. Some people envy it; few people recognize the “hassles” it creates…

PROS:

- I can eat more because there’s more room for my stomach to expand
- Weight fluctuations are less apparent because it has more room to distribute along my torso
- I’m really good at body rolls because I have a longer spine to roll haha
- I’m also really good at back bends
- I have no problem reaching beyond my toes and tying my shoes without bending my knees
- Having a good posture is accentuated and makes me look more graceful

CONS:

- A lot of shirts are too short (thus immodest) on me
- Most pants, even in petite sizes, are too long on me and I have to spend extra money to get them tailored
- In close partner dances (i.e. waltz & rumba), it’s sometimes hard to follow/keep up with the guy because I have proportionally shorter legs & longer torso
- When I wear pants, I look shorter because my leg lines are shorter
- When sitting down, I often have to choose between having good posture and being a head above everyone, or slouching and being at eye level
- When cuddling with a guy (not that I do this often), I sometimes have to slide way down on the couch to rest my head on his shoulder

There are advantages and disadvantages to every body type.

Everybody has physical insecurities in this body-obsessed world. But as Dieter F. Uchtdorf said about humility, we shouldn't think less of our bodies but maybe think less about our bodies - especially its flaws. We can't expect to reach perfection, physically or spiritually, in this mortal life.

We need to remember that we are creations of our Heavenly Father, who loves us.

"God created man in his own image...male and female created he them. And God blessed them." (Genesis 1:26-28)

I have been thinking alot about bodies and health lately because I was sick for almost 2 months and was unable to do many of the things I needed and wanted to do. As I'm regaining my health, I have a deeper appreciation for all the things my body can do, as beautifully described by Russell M. Nelson, who is a doctor by profession.

Although we are merely "dust of the earth" (Genesis 3:19), our bodies are temples of God that house our spirits:

"Know ye not that ye are the temple of God, and that the Spirit of God dwelleth in you?...for the temple of God is holy, which temple ye are." (1 Corinthians 3:16-17)

No matter how many things we'd like to "fix" about our bodies, we should never hate or torture our bodies with ill treatments and unnatural practices. Because contrary to popular belief, our bodies are not really our own.

"For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God’s." (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)

God welcomes us to use our bodies to enjoy pleasures like a heartfelt embrace, delicious food, invigorating exercise, a joyful dance... As Prophet Gordon B. Hinckley wholeheartedly encouraged -

"In all of living have much of fun and laughter. Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured."

But like so many other things - time, money, talents - God gave us our bodies to exercise righteous agency and stewardship. He expects us to serve a neighbor, acquire skills and abilities, earn an honest living, raise a righteous happy family, be upstanding citizens...

"Present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service." (Romans 12:1)

I am so grateful for my body and all it can do, despite its sometimes inconvenient proportions and infirmities.

***
Other blog posts of mine on health & body image:
Humbled While Healing
Unfulfilled Dance Desires
My Beauty Recipe
"Recapturing Beauty" Essay Contest
"Good Hair" - Infuriating and Irrational Beauty Standards

My Brother's Keeper

I had an unexpectedly beautiful experience last week :)

I was running late on a Friday morning and speed-walking through the subway station. As I approached the top of the escalator, I noticed the guy in front of me had a blind stick. He was a rather tall and large man, middle-aged, with a heavy coat. He tapped the stick in front of him until he felt the moving steps and got on. I felt the need to slow down and stay behind him, in case he fell or needed help. But I also felt restrained from reaching out to him unless he really needed help, because I know people with disabilities like to maintain a sense of independence, self-sufficiency, and dignity.

When we reached the bottom of the escalator and stepped onto the platform, I watched intently as he tapped his blind stick until he felt the bumpy tiles along the edge of the platform. I'm sure he's ridden the subway many times before on his own but I was still anxious that he may accidentally fall onto the tracks. I stayed a few yards away from him instead of going to my usual spot further down the platform. I felt God endow me with a measure of His love for this man, and I thought, "I am my brother's keeper" (Genesis 4:9).

A train approached (not mine), and I wondered how he would know it was his train or how he would find the door and get on in time. The train came to a stop but the driver didn't announce the destination as usual, and he obviously couldn't see it on the train's electronic display. The doors opened and he frantically asked, "What train is this?" to anyone who would hear him. A few people passed him and entered the train.

I said, "It's the yellow line". He didn't respond but started tapping his stick to find a door. The floor lights started blinking, signaling the train was about to leave. I knew he wouldn't get there in time on his own, so I grabbed him by the arm and said, "The door's over here" as I quickly guided him towards the door and practically shoved him onto train just before the door closed.

I'm sure he verified with some of the people on board that he was on his intended train. I watched him calm down and grab hold of one of the rails as the train sped away. I uttered a silent prayer that he would make his way to his destination safely and in time, that he would continue to be self-sufficient and be treated with respect.

I was SO HAPPY and immediately posted on Facebook that it was only 7:53am but I had already had my best moment of the day, with the aim of inspiring others to recognize and take advantage of small service opportunities (because most of us miss them too often).

I marveled at the profound impact this small experience had on me. I felt immensely closer to God as I felt His love for this blind man expressed through me. I felt love towards this stranger I had helped onto a train. I felt the intense love God and Jesus Christ have for EACH of us, and their intimate care and concern for our lives.

Matthew 25:40 kept coming to mind:

"Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me."

My testimony of this verse was fortified that day, and continues to be confirmed each time I notice and act on an opportunity to serve one of God's children. I know charity, the pure love of Christ, is a divine gift that allows us to love others more than we have a natural capacity to do. (Moroni 7:45-48)

As church leaders regularly remind us - and as our beloved prophet Thomas S. Monson tirelessly exemplifies - there is no greater joy than knowing that we have been instruments in God's hands.

("You Are My Hands", Dieter F. Uchtdorf, April 2010 General Conference)

Humbled While Healing

I've been sick, on and off, for almost a month. I've gotten two Priesthood Blessings but have not healed yet even though the the Blessings said I would. It occurred to me this week that there must be a bigger lesson to this sickness...

As a convert to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints at the age of 18 (though I found the Church 14 months prior) and the only LDS member in my family, I didn't have access to Priesthood holders, much less know what/who they were. I learned to be extremely independent and resilient. Once I learned what a Priesthood Blessing was, I saw it as an absolute last resort that implied weakness. I only got 1-2 Blessings a year, and it was only when I was at my breaking point and friends repeatedly suggested it. Each time was an extremely humbling experience, and I often ended up in [grateful] tears. My earlier Blessings almost always said to ask for help, lean upon the Lord, accept the service of others...basically stop trying to do everything on my own!

As my conversion has deepened and I've learned more about my Savior Jesus Christ, my approach to Priesthood Blessings has evolved. I'm more willing to turn to my Heavenly Father and admit my vulnerability. I've become completely at peace with the fact that the natural man is weak, imperfect, and easily tempted. I've learned that Lord is constantly reaching out to us and eager to help us succeed in this earthly probation. As I've come to better understand sacred covenants, I've become more eager to obey the instructions in my Blessings in order to do my part. After hearing talks like Richard G. Scott's "To Acquire Spiritual Guidance" and "How to Obtain Revelation and Inspiration for Your Personal Life", I've been more diligent in recording as much of the Blessing as I can remember afterwards as a resource of comfort, inspiration, and guidance.

This past year has been full of more risks and trials than I've ever experienced in my young life, and I've sought Priesthood Blessings at each major event - personal heartaches, moving to DC, starting grad school, my long sickness...maybe I was becoming too dependent on Priesthood Blessings?

I have applied all the usual remedies of sleep, lots of fluids, vitamin C, soup, rest...until I became so restless I wanted to run a marathon (figure of speech - I detest running). My blessings have said this period is a chance to appreciate the health I do have because there is opposition in all things (2 Nephi 2:11) and I should seek medical attention, but to have peace because I will be able to go back to doing the things I need to do.

Now, I admit this was somewhat frustrating to me. I'm doing everything in my power to allow my body to recover and I have the faith to be healed by Priesthood Blessings...so why am I not getting any better? Why do I have to go seek medical attention? Why can't the Lord just heal me like He has in the past and save me the time/money that could be better spent on studying/food/dancing?? The Lord was probably shaking His head and laughing at silly little immature me; He had to send intervention.

Enter home teachers Eric and Jason last Sunday - faithful young men magnifying their Priesthood duties. I was so tempted to ask for a 3rd Priesthood Blessing but the Spirit stopped me. I expressed my frustration at not healing and Jason said (paraphrased) the prophets do say that we should utilize the expertise/services of medical professionals, since that is a blessing the Lord has given us in these days. Inwardly and grudgingly, I had to agree.

I went to work the next day and tried to be obedient to my Blessing by making a doctor appointment. Because I'm a new patient in the DC area, the earliest they could fit me in was November 1st - 6 weeks away, which is pretty useless. My boss (it helps that I work in a medical school since I really don't know that much about healthcare) suggested that I see an Urgent Care doctor, which is cheaper than going to the emergency room. I researched my options and found a clinic nearby that takes walk-in patients and asked my visiting teacher (love the programs of the Church), Kat , to drive me there on Wednesday.

On the Metro ride home, I came across a quote in an article that doesn't even apply to me in this month's Ensign magazine:

"Latter-day Saints believe in applying the best available scientific knowledge and techniques...We enlist the help of healing practitioners, such as physicians and surgeons, to restore health."

It couldn't get clearer than that. There was my lesson.

That was yesterday. Today, I listened to the source of the quote - Dallin H. Oaks' talk "Healing the Sick" from the Priesthood session of the April 2010 General Conference. Elder Oaks explained that Priesthood Blessings of healing depend largely on the faith of the recipient but ultimately on the will of God, and that it is a principle of the gospel that God helps those who help themselves. It was finally making sense. God does want me to lean on Him, but learn to be resourceful and self-sufficient as well.

"Let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed." (D&C 123:17)

I'm going to see the doctor tomorrow. I'm looking forward to recovering to full health.

Prioritizing "Things that Matter Most"

(This post is based on the principles & counsel found in 2 talks: "Of Things That Matter Most" and "Good, Better, Best")

Lately, I've been doing alot of self-assessment...

- Who am I? Do I like who I am? What kind of person do I want to become? What kind of person does God want me to become? (Preach My Gospel, pg. 115-126)

- What do I value? Why do I value these things? Are these things of lasting importance? Are these things in line with godly principles of righteous living that will lead to happiness and peace in this life and eternal life in the world to come? (Matt 6:33) Are these things in accordance to modern and personal revelations?

- How do I spend my money? Am I spending it on things that truly satisfy? (2 Nephi 9:51) Am I preparing/saving enough for a rainy day or emergencies?

- How do I spend my time? (Alma 34:32) Am I allocating my time in accordance to my values/priorities? (D&C 42:42)

I find I'm not comfortable with all my answers to these questions. Thank goodness the Lord knows I'm imperfect and is willing to work with my weaknesses. (Ether 12:27)

I'm entering a new chapter of my life as a graduate student, which comes with a schedule I've never had before - working full time (40 hours/week) while taking evening classes - and, frankly, I'm very scared. I was fortunate to have spent the bulk of my undergraduate studies as a full-time student, and only worked part time (20 hours/week) during the last year. I've been out of school for a year and I've gotten used to having alot of free time for recreation/exploration, exercise, volunteering, building friendships, improving my skills/talents, pondering/journaling...but now I have to shift a lot of that time to my studies.

Mind you, I'm not complaining about going back to school. I've wanted to go to grad school for years - planned for it, worked extremely hard towards it, prayed over it, sacrificed for it ... and I'm grateful the Lord has helped me every step of the way and is strongly supporting me still. But that doesn't mean I won't have to struggle a bit to do well in school and keep my life in balance. Nothing of great value is easy.

So, as I am wont to do, I got organized and started making lists and charts to help me stay focused on "things that matter most" (see President Uchtdorf's awesome talk).

At a recent Institute class, the teacher/speakers encouraged us to figure out what our priorities are and stick to them. I thought my list would be long, so I was surprised that it only ultimately came down to 4 things:

1) God
2) Health
3) Relationships
4) Education

After reviewing my Patriarchal Blessing, recent Priesthood Blessings, and praying about it, I fleshed it out into a "working priorities map" (for lack of a better title)

The main heading is my purpose in life. The top 3 priority categories are of primary importance; the last 2 are secondary but obviously still very important. The scriptures on the margins help remind me of what to do (Matthew 5:16), how to do it (2 Timothy 1:7), and the resulting blessings (Romans 8:28). The 4 items in the middle are simply chores that must be done in life to allow everything else to run smoothly.

I printed copies to tape on my wall at work and at home to help remind me to not waste time on things that aren't on that list, things that are "of no worth" and "cannot satisfy". This will not be easy! So I translated it into a schedule format to make it more practical (click on it to expand)

Please note that these are guidelines, and just because I didn't schedule studying, scriptures, or showering on the weekend doesn't mean I won't do it then haha. It's important to allow for flexibility & fun because the first part of the week is so rigid and I can't live like a regimented robot all the time!

"And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength. And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order." (Mosiah 4:27)

Wish me luck, I've never done this before! But...Philippians 4:13 :)

The Kind of Relationships I Want

Last week was full of let downs. Humans are imperfect and bound to disappoint, offend, and otherwise hurt each other...despite our best intentions or efforts to prevent it.

I have a BLUE type personality on both The Color Code and True Colors, which means I'm most focused on people and relationships. Respect, communication, trust, and dependability are really important to me. That's why the series of broken plans and lack of responses last week - combined with the stresses of moving and minimal social interaction - left me feeling really low. I was tired of giving way more than I was receiving in relationships (of all kinds) and didn't know who I could count on anymore.

But that's not the point of this post, which ultimate purpose is to glorify God.

Thankfully, the week ended with a Fast Sunday. As I pondered about what I most needed, I decided to fast for God's help in maintaining and improving important relationships, and for the Spirit to help me discern which relationships are worth investing in. I wanted/needed this so much that I was determined to not break my fast even when I was feeling ill and needed to take medicine.

God honors sacrifices and answers prayers.

I don't know WHY I'm always surprised when the Lord answers the prayers I'm fasting for. Help thou mine unbelief! (Mark 9:24) Last month, I fasted for my housing situation to work out, and it did! I found 3 fabulous roommates. This month, the blessings were immediate.

Starting that very night, most of the people who disappointed me (that I was deciding to turn my back on) reached out to me through all avenues of communication with genuine love and concern, showing that they valued my friendship and didn't want it to fall by the wayside (using Biblical terms).

- M.P. Facebook-messaged me and asked how my weekend was, and we had a good chat catching up. I could tell he was really trying to follow up on his apology for dropping the ball on our plans.

- S.C. called me and left a long sincere voicemail apologizing that our plans didn't work out. He explained the circumstances that got in the way and offered to hang out in the last week before he leaves for school.

- S.D. texted me on Monday telling me he was back in town and asked me how I was, and was genuinely concerned that I'd had a rough week.

- T.G. emailed me (responding to my email thanking her for hanging out on Saturday) that she loved my DC blog and explicitly said that she really values my friendship.

- M.M. emailed me (responding) that she did want to go to the concert with me, invited me to another activity, and asked caring questions about my week.

- B.C. agreed to make plans for the following weekend and suggested getting together sometime during the week.

- My new roommates, a couple of old roommates, and old friends all offered love, empathy, and advice about a trial I am going through.

I am so grateful for a Heavenly Father who exemplifies what the perfect relationship should be like. He listens attentively, He responds honestly and in a timely manner, He keeps promises unfailingly, He comforts compassionately, He counsels wisely, He chastises firmly but lovingly. He sent His Son, Jesus Christ, who is the best friend we could ever have.

"Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." (John 15:13)

I'm forever grateful and indebted to my Savior who died that we might "have life, and ... have it more abundantly." (John 10:10) And I'm grateful to those people who make my life so abundantly rich!