"Don't Play in the Sun" - My Own Ethnic Insecurities

Once upon a time, I wanted to be an African American Studies professor and wanted to write about colorism for my master's thesis. Long story short, I no longer want to be a professor, though I still want to work in higher education and am passionate about African American studies. So as an intro...

Colorism: a practice of discrimination by which those with lighter skin are treated more favorably than those with darker skin.

Not sure why, but I am absolutely fascinated by this topic. It might be because I am also fascinated by stories of the intertwining lives of people from different races/ethnicities/countries. Stories of love, colonialism, travel, and perhaps most of all, breaking family/cultural norms and expectations. 

Don't Play in the Sun is the short memoir by Marita Golden, a successful dark-skinned Black author/professor born in 1950 who pours out her insecurities and psychological scars from being raised in a society where she sees favoritism for light-skinned people (Blacks and Whites) and discrimination towards dark-skinned Blacks everywhere. I devoured this book in 2 days.

I have never experienced colorism as a Black person in America, but I have felt ugly, alienated, praised, and special because of my ethnic/racial features and background. After divorcing my Chinese father, my Chinese mother married a man from Guam (Pacific Islander) and changed our lives forever by moving us to America.

I admire the author's willingness to be vulnerable and her persistent advocacy to bring awareness and healing to those who are affected by colorism in America and globally. As stated in the book, colorism is not just about beauty, but also status, privilege, and influence - powerful stuff. More poignantly, she wrote of instances when she would catch herself perpetuating the same colorist mentalities she fell victim to. 

So mimicking Golden's style of loosely stringing together little stories based on topic, here is my own brutally honest, super-mini memoir on colorism.

Beauty Standards

• I became interested in makeup in junior high but the tips on applying eye makeup baffled me because I could never get my eyes to look like the pictures in the magazines.
• I highly desired and coveted narrow turned-up noses and facial profiles like white people's. I often pinched my nostrils in to try to make them narrower, frequently checking my profile in the mirror to see if my nose had grown higher to give me a more distinct profile.
• I was frustrated because I could not find the right shade of foundation for my yellow skin, or at least by a drugstore brand I could afford as a teenager without a job.
• I was distraught that my lashes were so short and straight and pointed down (this is before I learned how to use an eyelash curler and mascara) and not naturally long and curly like white people's. 
• My mom is relatively dark (she was born and raised on a rural tropical island) and she told me stories of how people would tell her she’s pretty because of her big eyes but her skin too dark, so they nicknamed her “Black Rose”.
• When I visited my Chinese father after years of not seeing each other, he kept looking at my facial profile and verbally admired that his daughter had a tall nose for a Chinese person. I was annoyed and wondered how he might comment if I had a flat nose. 
• Sometimes, I feel unattractive when I don't wear eye makeup because my eyes look smaller and I look more Chinese. 

Dating

• I’m Mormon and I want to marry a Mormon guy, but Utah (where I lived for 6 years during & after college) is super white and alot of the local guys grew up around white girls, so their mental image of their ideal girlfriend/wife is white (i.e. fair skin, blonde hair, blue eyes). I do not fit that at all and was always disappointed when my crushes (not necessarily white) dated or married white girls.
• I’m mostly attracted to white guys. I am not usually attracted to Asian guys, partly because I don’t want to marry an Asian guy and have Asian babies. I want my babies to be mixed because that’s how I feel - very multicultural and not exclusively, culturally Asian.
• Many people who grew up in white Utah have not had much experience interacting with Asians and initially didn’t know how to interact with me. I sensed that they weren’t sure I could speak English and were somewhat cautious talking to me, until they realized I am very American and don’t have an Asian accent.
• Many of the guys who were interested in dating me had served missions in Asian countries or with many Asians (Hong Kong, Taiwan, Australia, Mongolia, Japan) and became interested in me soon after returning from their missions. Some of them had “Yellow Fever” and I could never be sure whether they liked me for my personality/character or my Asianness (facial features, language, family ties).
• I still carry lingering insecurities that the guys I like will either never like me because of my Asian looks or only like me because of my Asian heritage. So sometime during college, I told my roommate that I have to develop a really great personality because no guy is gonna go for me based on my looks. 
• My Chinese grandparents asking why I was dating a guy who looks black (who was actually Afro-Caribbean) and having to defend my [ex]boyfriend’s good non-physical traits.

School

• I felt that I was expected to be really good at science and math, but I am not good at either. I may have been subconsciously not good at it to try to break the stereotype (I am just realizing this). 
• I have always naturally been interested in the humanities and social sciences, but I think I pursued it more passionately because that goes against the expectation that Asians will study fields that lead to lucrative jobs as doctors, lawyers, engineers, and accountants.

Social Situations

• When I’m one of a handful of Asians in a room, I generally don’t talk to them and talk to people of other ethnicities so I don’t fulfill the stereotype that Asians are insular and socially awkward with strangers.
• When a white person meets an international Chinese person (who grew up in China), they immediately think of the few Chinese people they know (including me) and introduce them to their friend. I always feel awkward because my Chinese language skills are not super good and I have a hard time carrying on a conversation with native Chinese people, not just because of my limited vocabulary but also because of limited overlapping interests. Thus, I’m colder towards these Chinese people than I normally would be with other new friends because I don’t want others to encourage them to use me as a language crutch to translate for them.

This is all pretty negative stuff; we all have our insecurities/weaknesses/faults. But I am generally a very hopeful, optimistic person. Through the years, I have significantly improved my confidence, self-acceptance, and positive self-image by working on many worthwhile endeavors: dance, piano, singing, school, work, church, friends, family, service, etc. I figured out how to use makeup to accentuate my Asian features. I've met and dated guys who thought I was beautiful AND loved my personality. I try to broaden my areas of knowledge. I try to find ways to relate more to native Chinese people. 

Since I joined The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints at age 18, I have found joy and hope in scriptures like these:

"The Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart." (1 Samuel 16:17)
 “The Lord...doeth that which is good among the children of men; and he doeth nothing save it be plain unto the children of men; and he inviteth them all to come unto him and partake of his goodness; and he denieth none that come unto him, black and white, bond and free, male and female; and he remembereth the heathen; and all are alike unto God, both Jew and Gentile.”  (2 Nephi 26:33) 

I am grateful that I live in a time and place where I do not usually experience decreased status, privilege, or influence due to my skin color, race or ethnicity. I have found many ways to feel beautiful, not all of them having to do with altering my looks. And God's love makes up for the rest.