"Hitch" - Be Yourself, and Be Like Jesus

After years of hearing people quote Hitch and then second-handedly misquoting it, I finally watched it for myself.

I only did because I was more motivated to participate in one of DC's most endearing summer traditions...outdoor movies! This was actually our Family Home Evening (FHE) activity for the week, advertised as "professional dating advice" by our FHE parents because (apparently) we YSAs (young SINGLE adults) need it.

Super concise synopsis: Will Smith plays a very successful "date doctor" who finds out that his own principles/techniques in dating are not working for himself and that one of his most seemingly needy clients did not need any of his advice to win the girl of his dreams.

I really liked the moral of this story - be yourself and adapt to each situation and person instead of sticking to a set of hard rules. Maybe it's because I tend to over-rely on principles of human behavior (because, like Hitch, they have almost always worked for me in the past). But as my friend, Kyle, has helped me understand, each human being is too deeply complex and ever-changing to pin down to any category or generalization.

Before I became educated on the rules of the dating game, I got really burned. Instead of letting guys do nice things like carry things for me, I'd insist on lugging it myself to prove that I was physically fit and independent. Instead of waiting patiently for a guy to make a move, I'd take the initiative on phone calls and making plans. (Guys, don't tell me you don't like the chase) So I did some reading and set some parameters for myself, which I've followed more or less. It has helped me date some great guys and develop wonderful relationships, but my last name is still Flores. Ha!

I know I know, alot of it is timing and the agency of others. The Lord's timing is always better than mine and I'm willing to wait for my Prince Charming, the guy who will see and appreciate me for all that I am. But watching Hitch has made me think about what I could do about my part in this whole process.

The movie closes with a humbled Hitch saying: "Basic principles...there are none."

MMmm pretty sure there ARE some basic principles, but they are too obvious to count -

- Don't date anyone you feel physically threatened by
- Don't date someone just for their money
- Relationships are two-way streets. Don't always wait to be acted upon, and don't always be the one initiating
- Don't date anyone who disrespects or condescends you
- etc.

I guess the biggest lesson I learned from this movie is to Be Myself, and I'm really trying to be the best daughter of God I can be. Allegra Cole (the beautiful heiress) found all of Albert Brennaman's (Hitch's awkward client) idiosyncracies "adorable", the same quirks that Hitch tried to beat out of him.

It turned out that the exact same habits and behaviors that Hitch told him NOT to do were the exact things that made Allegra love him. Too good to be true, right? But there's some truth in it.

Allow me to quote D&C 88:40, one of my favorite dating scripture verses:

"For intelligence cleaveth unto intelligence; wisdom receiveth wisdom; truth embraceth truth; virtue loveth virtue; light cleaveth unto light; mercy hath compassion on mercy and claimeth her own..."

Brother Bott, BYU's most popular Missionary Preparation teacher, spoke repeatedly and adamantly about the truth of this scripture in my class last summer. He also quoted President David O. McKay, who said that we each radiate various degrees of light (I'm paraphrasing). And since the scriptures say likes attract (contrary to the world's adage that "opposites attract"), it's just a matter of time before we attract the kind of person that we are. Thus, the motivation to be the kind of person we want to marry.

Following the prophets' counsel to interpret scriptures for ourselves but avoiding all heretical intentions, I'd like to think that goofiness cleaveth unto goofiness; openness receiveth openness; giddiness embraceth giddiness; ambition loveth ambition, optimism cleaveth unto optimism...or something like that. I've got plenty of idiosyncracies of my own. It's a miracle that two people's quirks can match up enough that they'll commit to each other for all of eternity. But that's the kind of marriage I want, in which case I should be myself, but mostly strive to be like Jesus.

3 Nephi 12:48 "Therefore I would that ye should be perfect even as I, or your Father who is in heaven is perfect."

He was the personification of charity, which is perfect love, the only kind of love that an eternal marriage can be built on.

"Good Hair" - Enraging & Irrational Beauty Standards

Look what I found at the GW library this week!



Once upon a time (about 1 year ago), I was gun-ho on applying to a Ph.D. program in American Studies or African American Studies in order to be a professor. My dream class to teach is African American music within mainstream American culture. Yup.

Anyhow, Ph.D. programs require a 15-20 page writing sample. The longest paper I wrote at BYU did not exceed 12 pages so I was planning to start a research paper on my own after graduation - not easy. After much consultation and deliberation, I decided there was enough research and I had enough passion to write about Black Women and Body Image, especially in regards to colorism. Good Hair was one of the top resources I wanted to use. My education/career goals have changed (that's a whole other story), but watching this re-sparks my scholarly ambitions :)

Here's the synopsis: Chris Rock's 2 little daughters asked him why they didn't have "good hair", which sent him on a quest to understand black women's issues and relationship with their hair. It was fascinating and shocking. This is what I learned...

Black women are extremely pressured by media and celebrities to have straight shiny hair to look like white people's hair. They will do almost anything to have it. There is a huge annual hair show organized by a major black hair company to show people how to use their new products. Applying relaxer (aka sodium hydroxide, a very erosive chemical that can disintegrate metal and cause baldness) in order to help straighten hair is like a rite of passage for black girls (who start doing it as young as 3) and relaxer is the most important hair product for black people, including men. But the biggest moneymaker in the black hair industry - which happens to be a multimillion industry owned largely by whites and Asians - is weaves.

Weaves are extremely expensive (starting at $1,000 for a headful) hair extensions that are braided/tied/glued to the real hair on their head. Almost all of this hair comes from India (its biggest export. WOW.), where a majority of the women grow out their hair and shave it off to donate it ("god likes hair") as part of a solemn religious ceremony. Hair business men come pick it up, clean/process it, and sell it to hair dealers in America, who then sell it to other vendors. Some black women are willing to go to extremes to get weaves (they call it "creamy crack", because once you have one, you won't go back) - pay it through layaway, pay it before paying rent, get their men to pay it, etc.

As one black man in the documentary said, "When our hair is relaxed, white people are relaxed. When our hair is nappy, they ain't happy."

What's up with that?! What's wrong with cornrows, braids, and afros? I think they're beautiful.

I have never watched any of Chris Rock's material but he is absolutely great in this documentary - respectful, intelligent, inquisitive, nonjudgmental, and of course, hilarious. He is shocked at the kind of effort and money black women are willing to put into having "good hair", i.e. hair that looks more white. So was I. My jaw was down to my lap much of the time.

I have taken my hair for granted most of my life. I've always been low-maintenance with my hair, both because I am not good with hair (I didn't learn how to curl my own hair til the middle of college, and ballroom hair still trips me up) and because I don't want to be high maintenance with my hair. People would tell me they're jealous of my hair because it's so naturally straight (I would complain that it doesn't stay curled) and shiny (I would complain about my "frizzies", aka flyaways). But my gratitude for the ease of my hair care was quickly replaced by frustration and outrage...

WHY are women always wanting something they don't have and that isn't natural?

*White women want to be tan (like Latinas??)
*Asian women want to be white (porcelain skin) and have big eyes (some use eyelid tape to get the effect)
*Black women want straight "white hair" (although their weaves are made of Southeast Asian hair...)

Who came up with these beauty standards anyway?! Our eyes (men's too) have been trained to expect and desire certain looks.

There's a difference between changing your appearance to try out a different look for fun, and changing your looks because you feel ugly and unaccepted if you don't.

Girls are jealous of my tan skin and straight black hair because I'm in America. If I were in China, my darker skin would be seen as less desirable (my Mom was called the "black rose" when she was younger because people thought she had nice features but was too dark). And have you seen Asian girls trying to bleach their hair blonde but most of them can only get it to a bronze/caramel color?

White girls - girls in Asia spend hundreds of dollars on skin bleaching concoctions (including bird poop) to get skin that you call "pasty", while girls in America spend hours and hours tanning (in the sun or spraying it on). I know skin bleaching cream for blacks have also been marketed for decades. All of these methods are financially costly and/or damaging to our health (melanoma! self-induced vitiligo!). Why have we allowed our beauty standards to run amuk?! Can't we all just try to be beautiful healthily and naturally?

What also shocked and disheartened me was the weave industry, mostly on the India side. Millions of Indian women devotedly shave off 14" or more of their beautiful hair as a religious sacrifice because they truly believe it pleases god and having long hair is seen as vain. Ha! If they only knew what was being done with their hair in America!

I don't really blame black women because there are some major pressures to have straight hair. How "good" their hair is can affect not only their self-image, but also their professional image and love lives. From the little research I was able to do on colorism (featured in this heartbreaking documentary I need to watch: "Dark Girls"), I know that black girls also get judged harshly by each other based on how white they look. It is being rubbed into their faces in magazines, movies, TV shows, music videos, and on the street.

What is the redeeming aspect of this documentary? Chris Rock. He concludes with the response he decides to give to his daughters' question - (inspired by MLK?) "What's on top of your head is not as important as what's in your head." What a great answer! He seems like a great father, plus he's been married to his wife since 1996. Go Chris! It seems his girls might have a fighting chance in this vicious world of irrational beauty standards.