A Dancer's Dilemma

***I realize the tone/style of this post can seem over-dramatic at times, but that is not my intent. This was a powerful and humbling spiritual experience and I am trying to express it in the most honest way possible :) ***

Tuesday
If I had a holiday, it would be National Dance Day (NDD). I'd been looking forward to it since last year and was eager to learn the hip hop routine (each year, the founders put out 2 dance routines for people all over the country to learn) and dance it at the Kennedy Center festivities on Saturday. I invited some friends to learn it with me at the Church before Institute. When we got there, the sister missionaries were meeting with Lisa (a Chinese grad student at George Washington University who came to our Church on her own a few months ago) to prepare her for her baptism on the upcoming Saturday. One Sister asked me excitedly if I would like to come, to which I made a very uncomfortable hesistant face because it would conflict with the 1-10pm festivities of NDD! Upon seeing my face, she sweetly said "Nevermind, it's ok if you can't". Guilt. Then my friend Ben said I should go talk to Lisa because I speak Chinese. I said I don't know that many gospel terms and he said I knew more than the sister missionaries. More guilt. I said I still feel uncomfortable talking to Chinese investigators because it's awkward for me, and I was also in a rush to get my friends upstairs to learn the routine. So we went upstairs, had a lot of fun learning the routine, and then went to various classes for Institute.

In my class, we discussed Elder Quentin L. Cook's talk "Can You Feel So Now" in which one phrase stuck out to me. It dissuaded giving "first-class devotion to lesser causes". I've been overbooking myself lately and have been trying to figure out how to prioritize activities better. As a class, we identified first class priorities as eternal things, and lesser things as that which have no significance beyond this life. I couldn't stop thinking about the baptism and trying to rationalize my way out of attending it. I certainly wasn't obliged to and I had already made plans! Plus I'd be all the way in DC and didn't have a ride! And I knew the baptism would probably be ill-attended because it was during a Saturday night and at the stake center (somewhat far away).

Yet I knew that this was a test of faith, obedience, and submitting my will to God. I am the only Chinese member in the ward, also a convert, and also attend George Washington University. Out of everyone in the ward, I probably had the most in common with Lisa and she could probably use the support. Dance is a good thing, but was I putting it above spiritual things? I knew as soon as I did that, I would lose a multitude of blessings - ones I enjoy now and other ones the Lord has yet to give me. And I certainly did not want to be in that position, knowing that this was one step away from Christ and one step toward the world. Satan is sneaky and can tempt us away in small degrees (1 Peter 5:8), just as Lehonti was subtly lured off the mountain and killed by degrees of poison (Alma 47:8-19).

So I prayed that night, asking for faith and humility to accept the Lord's will as I asked Him whether He wanted me to go to the baptism. I got a "yes", and that He would also provide a way for me to get there. Besides, I could still catch the last 3 hours of NDD after the baptism. I'm not proud to say that after this prayer, I was still not absolutely sure I would go.

Wednesday
I got a mass email from Rachel (music co-chair) asking for a volunteer to play a musical number at the baptism. Guilt AGAIN. I had resolved several years ago that if there was ever a musical need (specifically piano playing) in the church, I would volunteer my talents because I know they are a gift from God to serve and uplift His children (D&C 82:18) and if I hide my light under a bushel, I would surely lose it (Matthew 25:14-30). Still, I tried to push her email out of my mind, hoping someone else would volunteer. But by the next day and after thinking about it more, I realized it would be outright rebellion to ignore a clear answer I got to my prayer. I've done that before and it was a miserable wrenching repentance process; I would be a fool to put myself through that again, not to mention disappoint the Lord and dampen my capacity to receive future revelation.

Thursday
I responded to Rachel's email asking if she had found somebody. She responded "maybe" and asked if I could play something. I offered to play "Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring", a piece I had played years ago. It was simple and beautiful, and wouldn't need a lot of re-polishing. Rachel responded that it would be fine and told the two other people who had offered that they were off the hook. Well, that was that. I'd cemented my attendance at the baptism and I can't back out now! That night, I posted a request for a ride on the ward listserv.

Friday
No one replied by the afternoon, I thought maybe I was off the hook too! Maybe someone else would jump in with an even better musical number? Maybe the Lord was testing my willingness to serve and sacrifice, and let me loose the last minute like He did with Abraham when he was about to kill his son Isaac for a sacrifice (Genesis 22:1-18)? But it was not to be, because my friend Britt's beach plans fell through and she offered to go to the baptism with me (she has a car). At least now I have a good friend to go with. I stayed on campus an hour after work on Friday to practice in one of the piano rooms. The muscle memory kicked in and I got the piece to performance level after a few play-throughs.

Saturday
I excitedly got ready to go to the Kennedy Center for NDD. I re-read the schedule carefully when I got there and literally mourned that I would have to leave just as the hip hop routine would start in order to catch the metro home and walk to Britt's house to get to the baptism early (in case the musical number was scheduled at the beginning). I'd watched and practiced the hip hop routine dozens of times in preparation for this day. I felt like I wanted to cry, knowing that I'd have to wait a whole year for this holiday to come again. I wondered if there was any way I could leave just 30 minutes later, but I imagined the panic at the baptism when I wouldn't arrive in time to play. I love this Church and this gospel and I remember my baptism day 7 years ago very vividly; there was no way I was going to ruin Lisa's special day. But I felt like the Lord was hitting me where it hurt, so to speak. Then I thought of the early pioneers (it was Pioneer Day 3 days prior) and the much greater sacrifices they were asked to make, and I felt selfish and prideful. Drama Queen moment over. I silently prayed for a miracle to allow me to be able to somehow still see/participate in the hip hop routine. Either way, I was determined to enjoy the time I did have at the Kennedy Center.

Various groups performed and taught mini classes on the outdoor stage, then it was my turn to join Doug and his other students onstage to teach the Broadway Jazz class. (see my Dancing Through DC blog for more pics/details)

It was an amazing experience to be dancing on a stage at my favorite monument in DC, where I'd seen so many other dance/music/theater performances, in front of hundreds of dance lovers. I felt humbled and extremely grateful for the privilege and honor to do so. After we got off stage, I heard that we were ahead of schedule! By about 20 minutes! Maybe there's a chance, I thought...

Then I met up with my friends and we enjoyed a few more dance performances.

I mentioned my disappointment about missing the hip hop routine and one of them offered to give me a ride in his car so I could stay longer - about 25 minutes longer! I got really excited, but also didn't want to get my hopes up. But the time came for the hip hop routine and we got to stay for the whole thing!!! I was in utter disbelief. This was the miracle I had prayed for! We danced along to the routine and it was a ton of fun to see others who had practiced the routine at home also. As soon as it ended, we hurried to the car...just as the clouds dumped a ton of rain on the whole place. As we drove back in the downpour, I was almost speechless with gratitude that the Lord had given me that tender mercy. It might seem small and petty to anyone else. But to me - His dance-loving and sometimes selfish daughter - He knew it was a BFD (big freakin' deal).

My friends Jesse and Jeremy dropped me off at Britt's house and I immediately gushed to her about my little miracle. We got to the baptism early but there were already too many people around to practice my musical number. Yet I felt a sweet peace knowing that despite all my resistance, I was where I should be at that time. I prayed that I would be able to play smoothly with no major mistakes, that the music would be uplifting and help everyone there feel the Spirit even stronger. The time came to play my piece and I made 3 mistakes, but Britt said she didn't hear it so hopefully others didn't either. I felt honored to be a part of Lisa's special day and celebrate the beginning of her beautiful new life in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. The event was very well-attended - she was surrounded by loving friends, missionaries, and church leaders.

I mentally relived my baptism, during which everything was so lovingly prepared and I felt the welcoming embrace of so many I knew and didn't know who came to celebrate my special day. I had to wait 14 months to get baptized from the time I first discovered the Church. I remembered the thing I looked forward to the most was receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost because everybody talked about the sweet peace and comfort of always having the Spirit to be with you. I already had those good feelings through the power of the Holy Ghost after I found the Church and could not imagine an even greater increase of them after receiving the permanent gift of the Holy Ghost, as long as I remained worthy to have it.

I'll end this post with a series of gratitudes:

- I'm grateful for my talents of dance and piano, and all the opportunities I've had to improve upon them and use them to serve/uplift others.

- I'm grateful for the Lord's infinite patience with me, and the Spirit's constant reminder of what my top priorities should be.

- I'm grateful for Jesse and Jeremy who decided last minute to drive even though it was more expensive and burdensome to them.

- I'm grateful Britt decided to come to the baptism with me even though she could have been doing any number of fun things.

- I'm grateful for the Lord's desire and ability to bless me in so many different ways even though my heart was hard and I did not want to serve. (1 Corinthians 2:9)

- I'm grateful for every person who knowingly and unknowingly influenced me to make the right decision.

- I'm grateful for everyone who made Lisa's special day possible and for all the non-members who came to witness such a sacred event.

- I'm grateful Lisa took the initiative to investigate the Church and the faith she exercised to join it. Only God knows how many lives Lisa's testimony will touch.

- I'm grateful that through many tender mercies, I was able to find and join this Church, through which literally every blessing of my life flows.