Introverted Extrovert or Extroverted Introvert?

Am I an introvert or extrovert? This simple question has been gnawing at me for the last few weeks. I have always been extremely interested in self-discovery, and not knowing how to describe myself in these terms is like an irrepressible itch.

Or maybe I'm an introverted extrovert, or extroverted introvert...Who the heck am I?!
(end of existential melodrama here)

Why am I so concerned about which end of the introvert/extrovert spectrum I'm on? I think it may have to do with the unprecedented comments on my extroversion people have been giving me since I moved to DC. I always thought I was an introvert, because my inner life (what's going on in my head) is often more active than my outer life (what's going on around me). An ex-boyfriend once remarked, "Your mind is always moving!" Isn't everybody's?

Although I have been working really hard to meet people and make friends - and getting more comfortable with it - I also have strong classic introverted tendencies (i.e. avoiding some social situations, over-analyzing things, and loving long stretches of alone time). So here are a few of the comments that shocked me:

-David called me a "party animal" (half jokingly, but really?)
-Sam asked how I was so "well-connected" (I thought he was the more well-connected one)
-Tara said "you're an introvert!?" with genuine surprise when I told her I'm innately an introvert (maybe)

I've taken many online tests, but I keep finding myself straddling both sides: (traits I have are bolded - you may agree/disagree)

Introverts:
Enjoy time alone
Consider only deep relationships as friends
Drained by outside activities, even if they're fun
Good listeners
Appear calm & self-contained
Think before speaking/acting
Interested in own mental life
Reserved
Analytical
Prefers one-on-one relationships
Independent
Creative thinker

Extroverts:
Like to be in the action
Relish variety
Considers lots of people friends
Enjoys chatting, even with strangers
Energized after activity
Speak/act, then think or while thinking
Enjoy human interactions
Enthusiastic
Talkative
Assertive
Gregarious
Bored when alone

How did this happen? All growing up, I was a thoroughbred introvert. I spent almost all my spare time alone reading, writing/journaling, drawing, watching TV/movies, and playing piano. The only sport I did was gymnastics, which is a very introverted sport. The place I went to the most often was the library. I spent alot of time learning about people, places, things, and myself. To this day, I am grateful for that intense period of self-discovery and self-creation.

And then around high school, I started getting more complicated (I know people change, but the WHY and HOW fascinate me). Honestly, my love of old movies and musicals changed my life. The singing and dancing done by the likes of Gene Kelly, Fred Astaire, Ann Miller, and Judy Garland (just a few of my favorites) looked so irresistibly fun that I wanted to try it out for myself. I borrowed the musical scores of these old songs to play on the piano and borrowed the soundtracks to sing along to when no one was home.

One day, I went to check the mail and our neighbor commented that my singing was pretty good. At first, I was mortified that anyone had heard me (from across the street!) but then I was intrigued that they had complimented my singing. I'd never considered myself a singer but I decided to try out for Concert Choir in 11th grade with the goal of getting into the Jazz/Chamber Choir, which I did in 12th grade.

During our school talent show in 11th grade, a couple of students from a small local team performed a couple of ballroom dance numbers. I was absolutely captivated. It looked so fun and I thought, "I could do that." So I started asking around and found out there were 2 ballroom team members in choir. I never thought I'd consider myself a dancer but I begged my parents to let me join the Pacific Ballroom Dance Company (PBD) my senior year, and a new obsession was born. It turned out that the 2 ballroom guys, one of which I had a crush on, were Mormon and in the local ward. This made it easy for me to say yes when a Mormon girl on my gymnastics team invited me to Church in June 2005. Later, Steph told me I was such a "dry Mormon" (living the standards of the Church without being baptized) that she couldn't hold back anymore.

Looking back, I think my conversion to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints played the biggest role in helping me develop my extrovert side. I think I hadn't been as social and outgoing because I couldn't find very many friends I felt comfortable with, but I was instantly attracted to the warmth of the members and flurry of wholesome social activities at the local ward. I finally felt at home and accepted, though my parents' opposition towards my activity in the Church grew steadily. I got baptized on my 18th birthday, the earliest I could get baptized without parental permission.

My desire to be with LDS members with the same values and standards was a big reason I wanted to go to Brigham Young University (BYU). But honestly, the biggest driving force was the desire to continue to explore my potential in ballroom dance by going to the alma mater of all my dance teachers at PBD. BYU has, by far, the largest collegiate ballroom dance program in the world.

BYU is where I really opened up my extrovert side. I got on the Vocal Jazz Ensemble and Ballroom Dance Company and learned to really perform. I performed in every ward variety/talent show, including "BYU Idol" haha. I loved it. It gave me a natural high and made me feel more alive than anything else had. I miss it so much. (pics/videos are on Facebook)

At the same time, I was also trying hard to develop my leadership skills. I was very involved in high school extracurriculars but avoided all leadership opportunities, i.e. in student government. I went to college excited for a new start and ready to tackle my weaknesses. That's why I love new semesters, new wards, new apartments, new classes, new schools, new cities! Every beginning is an opportunity to reinvent myself into the kind of person I want to become. I joined the business school leadership organization, volunteered as a New Student Orientation leader and TA multiple times, became a camp counselor/mentor for various programs, and got to teach Sunday School several semesters. I discovered the inexplicable joy of helping someone improve at something and watching them progress. It was another kind of addiction. "Enter to Learn, Go Forth to Serve" - BYU's motto became ingrained in me. It was also at BYU where I developed my clear life goal/purpose: To inspire and assist others in reaching their goals and fulfilling their potential.

As the ratio of my introvert/extrovert sides have shifted through the years, I've seen it play out in my major/career choices. Before college, my career options included (I kid you not): paleontologist, dermatologist, dietician, aesthetician, aerobic instructor/personal trainer, caterer, writer, food critic, film/theatre critic...mostly introverted careers. As I became more comfortable and confident with people, my career options changed to: academic advisor, high school teacher, college professor, motivational speaker, and career counselor.

I didn't realize this until yesterday, but this dichotomy has even played out in my blog life! This blog is my introverted blog (thoughts & feelings, almost no pictures), which I first created in 2009 and was defunct for a while. When I moved to DC in 2012, I [subconsciously] had to create another blog to express my extroverted side (activities & adventures, tons of pictures). The DC blog is probably what you see more of because it's more eye-catching and I update it more often. But as I've given myself to my extroverted side, I felt the need to revive my introverted blog to achieve better equilibrium. I also have a private online journal and daily handwritten gratitude journal, plus scores of various notes/notebooks all over the place. My introverted side is full and active beneath the surface.

How funny that the fact that I'm spending so much time and energy trying to figure this out is extremely introverted (introverts love having ideas/thoughts/questions to work through in their heads), but I decided to solve it in a very extroverted way (also subconsciously) by polling my friends. I've been doing these kinds of mass surveys about every 1-2 years since 8th grade. It's a method I've developed for self-improvement. I would ask everyone I know to describe me in 3-5 words. I was not fishing for compliments; I encouraged them to be completely honest. The results are always really interesting. I am not a people pleaser but I want to make sure that who I seem to others matches who I am and who I want to become.

The most powerful experience I've had with this method came early on. Many people I polled described me as "aloof", "quiet", "reserved", and "shy" - typical introvert descriptions. I HATED being seen that way. To me, those words mean "unapproachable", "unlikable", "unfriendly", and "boring" (apparently, I had the wrong idea of what an Introvert is - "10 Myths About Introverts" was very validating). I worked really hard to not only eliminate those traits in my public image, but in my personality. It's really interesting to look back on those lists of personality goals, like the one I posted in 2008: "Self-searching questions".

Anyhow, with this particular self-assessment poll, I had a hypothesis to prove to myself - that I am a natural introvert who has trained herself to be an extrovert. 55 people responded (thank you!). I surveyed friends who have known me for more than 14 years to less than 14 days. Here are the fascinating responses:

Introvert: 5
Extrovert: 33
Both: 17

Most people seemed really conflicted, but the vast majority thought I leaned towards extroversion! Had I really trained myself so well that I could "fool" over half of my friends?! Or had I truly transformed into an extrovert with strong introvert tendecies, like many of these friends said?

At this point, the voices of 2 friends pop into my head:

Kyle - (paraphrased) Linda, people change all the time. Trying to squeeze people into strict categories is like denying their dynamic, unique, and complex humanity...as well as your own. (Kyle, feel free to correct me haha)

Sam - "Are you wanting to be more extraverted? I don't think it's only extroverts who are always socially comfortable" (after I explained that I wanted to have social ease as President Hinckley advised, and be comfortable in any situation)

So maybe it's not life-threatening if I can't affix a definitive "introvert"/"extrovert" label to myself. I just want to be well-rounded and happy! Although we live in a world that seems to favor and reward extroverts, neither is better than the other in God's eyes. All He asks of us is perfection!

"Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect." (Matt 5:48)

Perfect (adj): being entirely without fault or defect, satisfying all requirements, lacking in no essential detail...

Like almost everything, there are good and bad sides to being an introvert or extrovert. It would only make sense that God has all the good and none of the bad of both personality types. I think it's wonderful that the Church helps us in this regard. We are encouraged to have healthy inner lives by praying, studying, journaling, and pondering. At the same time, there are all kinds of programs and activities to encourage us to have healthy outer lives by fellowshipping, teaching, learning from, serving, having fun with, and dating each other.

Continuing with this perspective, even the 2 greatest commandments seem to encourage us to balance out our introvert/extrovert sides:

"Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment.

And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt alove thy neighbour as thyself." (Matt 22:37-39)

I'm pretty sure that if I follow both of these commandments, God will not care if I'm an introvert or extrovert. And ultimately, His opinion is the only one that matters.

A Consumer's Report

A recent experience really struck me...Since moving to DC, I've been searching for the most convenient and affordable way to buy my groceries. One day after work, I decided to get off one Metro stop early to shop at Costco. Taking the shortcut through a mall, I was completely unprepared for the wave of temptation that inundated me. Just viewing the merchandise through the windows, my mind started forming thoughts like "ooh I don't have one in that color" or "those are trendy right now, maybe I should get one". I had to exert alot of mental effort just to keep walking on the straight and narrow path to the exit towards Costco. It's not that I've never walked through a mall, it's just that I've never had such buying power before.

It's incredible how different this summer has been from last summer, especially economically.

Summer 2011 It was an extremely grueling summer of job searching that pushed my faith to its limits as I accepted jobs that barely covered living expenses, much less help me save for grad school. I lived paycheck to paycheck, paid tithing, and took advantage of any free food I came upon (usually from church or school activities). I had to forego numerous social activities and cut out little luxuries like eating out because I know God would not trust me with more money if I was reckless with what I had. Add to that the stress of not knowing my exact career path or how I would pay for grad school without going into debt. My Mom strongly encouraged me to move home (WA state) until I figured my life out but I was determined to pass this trial of faith on my own.

Summer 2012 I've got a variety of job experience under my belt, and am on my way towards a career in Higher Education, where I can achieve my life purpose to inspire and assist others in reaching their goals and fulfilling their potential. Through many miracles, I've been accepted to my first choice graduate school and have a job with benefits that will allow me to graduate without debt. As a single healthy adult without a mortgage, car payment, or debt of any kind, I suddenly found myself with hundreds of dollars in discretionary money each month.

I am hardly explaining all of this to boast (Like Alma, I boast of my God! Alma 26:11-12) but to marvel that God had to see what I would do with very little means (like many college students, I was living below poverty level) before He would bless me with more. And you know what I found? Having too much money is just as hard, if not harder, than having too little money.

I don't mean I'd rather starve, but more money means more choices - distinguishing between needs, nice-to-haves, and extravagant luxuries. I no longer have to confine my purchases to bare necessities, but I try really hard to control my material indulgences. Like many people, I like nice things. But I have to constantly make sure that I don't own so many things or such fancy things that they end up owning me. I'm not gonna live a monk's life, but I'm don't want to get into the habit of spending money just because I have it, or own more shoes/clothes than I can wear.

Brigham Young said “The worst fear I have about this people is that they will get rich in this country, forget God and His people, wax fat, and kick themselves out of the Church...my greatest fear is that they cannot stand wealth.”

Money itself is not evil; it's an amoral medium of exchange. It's not like I'm going to avoid wealth; you can do alot of good with alot of money. I really admire people like John D. Rockefeller, Andrew Carnegie, Bill Gates, and Warren Buffet - who became rich and poured (and are pouring) millions and billions of dollars into philanthropy. Our country and world has benefited greatly from their generosity. It's the love of money that causes our downfall.

Jesus taught, "How hard is it for them that trust in riches to enter into the kingdom of God!" (Mark 10:24)

There is beautiful truth in Matt 6:21 - "For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also." When I start thinking too materialistically, I have to remind myself that the only things that are irreplaceable are my scriptures (w/ its notes and memories), pictures, and journals. A wise man once said something like - the things we can buy with money are not of this world, eternal things cannot be bought with money.

As with most phenomena, history helps explain American Consumerism...

During the 1930s and WWII, most Americans had to scrimp and go without. But after the war boosted the economy, people were excited to have the means to CONSUME things again (encouraged by public policy like the GI Bill and low mortgage rates) - from houses to cars to appliances to voluminous skirts (textiles were no longer rationed). It became the job of a good citizen to buy buy buy and support the economy. After all, creating a market for consumer goods creates more jobs, which helps support the millions of families during the Baby Boom. See this great article.

Another fascinating explanation of our Consumerism culture comes from a recent article called "10 Ways Walmart Changed the World". No joke. The part that struck me the most was how Walmart made things so inexpensive that they became disposable and we are no longer motivated to take good care of our things because it'd be easier to throw it away and buy another one. And with technology things like phones/cameras/computers/TVs/etc., we know the next model is just a few months away.

There is an environmental price to all of this, as institutions like National Geographic point out. Futuristic movies/TV shows/books predict a world of garbage - either clogging up our waterways, piling higher than skyscrapers, or projected into space and blocking the sun. This is a gloomy picture. Reduce, reuse, recycle!

So what are we to do? What am I to do? I don't proclaim to hold any radical global solutions, but I know the answer to all things can be found in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. And my questions are these -

*How do I find peace in this world of monumental temptations?
*How much of my money can I use to treat myself and how much should I save?
*How much money besides tithing and fast offerings should I donate to the poor and needy? (this is the hardest one, which I have already sought to answer in another blog post)

This life is a test, and I think money is one of God's tools to test us. Just like He has given us stewardship over the earth, our families, our callings, our time, our bodies, and sacred knowledge...God has given us stewardship over money. In all of these stewardships, He has lovingly given us instructions on how to handle them to our fullest happiness through the scriptures, modern prophets, and personal revelation. God has promised us that "he that is a faithful and wise steward shall inherit all things." (D&C 78:22)

Growing up, my wise mother (who is not LDS) taught me 2 things worth investing in that aligns with what the scriptures teaches: knowledge and health.

Knowledge is the only thing that cannot be taken away from us. We can be stripped of all our earthly possessions but no one can rob us of what we put into our minds. And indeed, this principle is even more beautiful when applied to spiritual knowledge - "Whatever principle of intelligence we attain unto in this life, it will rise with us in the resurrection. And if a person gains more knowledge and intelligence in this life through his diligence and obedience than another, he will have so much the advantage in the world to come." (D&C 130:18-19)

Health is crucial to our success in all other areas of life, for we cannot do anything if our bodies cannot carry them out. This doesn't preclude people with disabilities or handicaps from success and happiness; health is relative to our individual optimal levels of well-being. Sleeping enough, eating nutritiously, drinking enough water, exercising regularly, and such are largely within our control. Preventing injuries and illnesses allow us to exercise our agency to a greater extent (unto righteousness). As prophets and apostles like to remind us, our bodies are precious gifts from God - "Know ye not that ye are the temple of God, and that the Spirit of God dwelleth in you? If any man defile the temple of God, him shall God destroy; for the temple of God is holy, which temple ye are." (1 Cor 3:16-17)

So what do I do with my money? The Church gives no strict specific rules on finances (besides the commandment to pay tithing and fast offering - we can't afford NOT to do) but principles to apply to our individual circumstances:

- Keep a budget (I'll get better at this once I regulate my DC cost of living)
- Avoid debt
- Save for emergencies (Emptied my savings to move to DC, now saving for grad school. I'm excited for the day when I can just SAVE.)
- Teach others good financial management

To these, I'll add my own principles:

* Define my life by experiences and relationships, not the things I own
* "Wherefore, do not spend money for that which is of no worth, nor your labor for that which cannot satisfy." (2 Nephi 9:51)
* Invest in things that last
* Never come close to the description in Isaiah 3:16-24

The world would have us believe that we should "Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die; and it shall be well with us." (2 Nephi 28:7) This is a lie.

I want to live in a way that when I die and meet my Maker, He will say to me, "Well done, thou good and faithful servant: thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord." (Matt 25:21)

What are your thoughts on the use of finances?

Signs of the Times

(With all the environmental, social, moral, and political calamity going on in full gear in these latter days, I've been thinking alot about the Second Coming. Chapter 24 of Matthew has never been so compelling or alarming.)

1 And Jesus went out, and departed from the temple: and his disciples came to him for to shew him the buildings of the temple.
2 And Jesus said unto them, See ye not all these things? verily I say unto you, There shall not be left here one stone upon another, that shall not be thrown down.
3 And as he sat upon the mount of Olives, the disciples came unto him privately, saying, Tell us, when shall these things be? and what shall be the sign of thy coming, and of the end of the world?
4 And Jesus answered and said unto them, Take heed that no man deceive you.
5 For many shall come in my name, saying, I am Christ; and shall deceive many.
6 And ye shall hear of wars and rumours of wars: see that ye be not troubled: for all these things must come to pass, but the end is not yet.

It’s hard to think of “wars and rumours of wars” as comforting.

7 For nation shall rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom: and there shall be famines, and pestilences, and earthquakes, in divers places.

Ahem, North Korea and their blatant nuclear missile flaunting! With the unusually warm winter we just had and hot hot summer, I’m afraid our crops will dry up and create a shortage. Having done some research for my job in the Medical School, I am amazed by all the ways humans can get sick and die, and the BILLIONS of dollars spent on trying to cure and heal us. Seismologists say the number of earthquakes has definitely increased in the last few years! In “divers places”!

8 All these are the beginning of sorrows.

YIKES

9 Then shall they deliver you up to be afflicted, and shall kill you: and ye shall be hated of all nations for my name’s sake.

(this is referring to the disciples, pretty sure)

10 And then shall many be offended, and shall betray one another, and shall hate one another.

Corrupted politicians come to mind.

11 And many false prophets shall rise, and shall deceive many.

This reminds me of priests who sexually abuse their vulnerable parishioners. Sickens me to the heart.

12 And because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold.

This is so true – adultery/fornication, abandonment, divorce, betrayal, violence, abuse

13 But he that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved.
14 And this gospel of the kingdom shall be preached in all the world for a witness unto all nations; and then shall the end come.

There are still a handful of countries that haven’t been “preached” to by LDS missionaries, so it’ll probably be at least a few years before the Second Coming. Just guessing...

15 When ye therefore shall see the abomination of desolation, spoken of by Daniel the prophet, stand in the holy place, (whoso readeth, let him understand:)

Grateful that the Church teaches us that the 3 holiest places on earth are: 1) the temple, 2) the home, and 3) church.

16 Then let them which be in Judæa flee into the mountains:
17 Let him which is on the housetop not come down to take any thing out of his house:

This is why it’s important to “lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal” (Matt 6:20) because we need to be able to leave all our earthly possessions immediately if needed.

18 Neither let him which is in the field return back to take his clothes.
19 And woe unto them that are with child, and to them that give suck in those days!
20 But pray ye that your flight be not in the winter, neither on the sabbath day:
21 For then shall be great tribulation, such as was not since the beginning of the world to this time, no, nor ever shall be.

Unimaginable.

22 And except those days should be shortened, there should no flesh be saved: but for the elect’s sake those days shall be shortened.

God is merciful.

23 Then if any man shall say unto you, Lo, here is Christ, or there; believe it not.
24 For there shall arise false Christs, and false prophets, and shall shew great signs and wonders; insomuch that, if it were possible, they shall deceive the very elect.

So grateful for a single prophet/president of the Church, and direct line of succession and authority.

25 Behold, I have told you before.
26 Wherefore if they shall say unto you, Behold, he is in the desert; go not forth: behold, he is in the secret chambers; believe it not.
27 For as the lightning cometh out of the east, and shineth even unto the west; so shall also the coming of the Son of man be.
28 For wheresoever the carcase is, there will the eagles be gathered together.
29 Immediately after the tribulation of those days shall the sun be darkened, and the moon shall not give her light, and the stars shall fall from heaven, and the powers of the heavens shall be shaken:

What does that last part mean?!

30 And then shall appear the sign of the Son of man in heaven: and then shall all the tribes of the earth mourn, and they shall see the Son of man coming in the clouds of heaven with power and great glory.

The painting of the Second Coming with Christ surrounded by angels blowing trumpets (a favorite) comes to mind. The righteous will be joyous at His coming.

31 And he shall send his angels with a great sound of a trumpet, and they shall gather together his elect from the four winds, from one end of heaven to the other.
32 Now learn a parable of the fig tree; When his branch is yet tender, and putteth forth leaves, ye know that summer is nigh:
33 So likewise ye, when ye shall see all these things, know that it is near, even at the doors.
34 Verily I say unto you, This generation shall not pass, till all these things be fulfilled.
35 Heaven and earth shall pass away, but my words shall not pass away.
36 But of that day and hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels of heaven, but my Father only.

We can only guess and try to prepare.

37 But as the days of Noe were, so shall also the coming of the Son of man be.
38 For as in the days that were before the flood they were eating and drinking, marrying and giving in marriage, until the day that Noe entered into the ark,
39 And knew not until the flood came, and took them all away; so shall also the coming of the Son of man be.
40 Then shall two be in the field; the one shall be taken, and the other left.
41 Two women shall be grinding at the mill; the one shall be taken, and the other left.

1 out of 2? Those are pretty scary odds…

42 Watch therefore: for ye know not what hour your Lord doth come.
43 But know this, that if the goodman of the house had known in what watch the thief would come, he would have watched, and would not have suffered his house to be broken up.
44 Therefore be ye also ready: for in such an hour as ye think not the Son of man cometh.

I think the only way we can be ready is to keep our covenants, especially the Sacrament. We renew it each week – repenting, remembering Christ, and promising to obey His commandments. Although, I’m sure, a 72 hour kit can’t hurt.

45 Who then is a faithful and wise servant, whom his lord hath made ruler over his household, to give them meat in due season?
46 Blessed is that servant, whom his lord when he cometh shall find so doing.
47 Verily I say unto you, That he shall make him ruler over all his goods.
If we are “faithful over a few things”, God will make us “ruler over many things” (Matt 25:21).
48 But and if that evil servant shall say in his heart, My lord delayeth his coming;
49 And shall begin to smite his fellowservants, and to eat and drink with the drunken;
50 The lord of that servant shall come in a day when he looketh not for him, and in an hour that he is not aware of,
51 And shall cut him asunder, and appoint him his portion with the hypocrites: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth.